Desires...

Master and I played with another girl on Tuesday night. It was something we had been talking about for a long time. We talked about three different scenarios- me being a top, a bottom, and neutral to the other female involved. I was most interested in being neutral the first time- being a completely ignored observer, but Master wanted me more involved. So I ended up kinda topping, and kind being on equal level with her. There was some rope play, a little impact play, hogtieing her. Then Master fucked her as i worshiped his feet from the floor... It was rather intense for me, and a first for us...

I'm interested in doing it all again. The girl, watching them fuck, hurting her, being hurt, worshiping both their feet, her foot pushing down on my head... *happy sigh*

And above that... I want to scene soooo fucking bad. I want to be beaten, bruised, bleeding, sore, stiff, giggling, cumming, tortured... I can't help it... I'm just a fucking pain slut...

TTWD: Internal Enslavement

I was browsing through my blog statistics and saw that I had many many page views for the Internal Enslavement post that I did in june of 2009. IE is also the term that leads people to my page most often. Related searches are "how to develop internal enslavement" and "how tos of internal enslavement" (those last two were in the last month). When I googled it, I was the fourth listed site on the subject, right after the enslavement website that I have previously quoted. So first off, I will say thank you to those that come to my blog to get read the short post that I had up already.

That all being said, my first post wasn't all that... intimate. I basically defined what internal enslavement was, and left it at that. At the time (some what early in my submission) I didn't have a great concept of what IE was, what it could possibly mean to me, and I was seeking an answer as I am sure that most of the people that have been lead to my blog are doing now. but it isn't really enough to read a definition. When the average kinkster is seeking answers, they, i think, are looking to find real life examples, and not just positive ones. Those new to the concept or to the D/s lifestyle are seeking a how to guide, perhaps. They heard the term at a much, saw a post on fetlife, and became rather curious as to what it meant. It struck a very good nerve, and now they must scour the internet searching for some way to achieve such an deep form of submission.

For me, internal enslavement was something I found myself in, without a name for it. The name came by accident. I was reading everything about D/s I could find, and stumbled upon the term on a blog I read briefly, and then had the desire to learn what I could about the concept and what I was realizing I got myself into. The aforementioned website says something like this "detailed examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership."

This is exactly what my Master does. He uses my thoughts, my emotions, and my experiences in life to gain better control of me. When I first started to journal, Master told me (as a matter of fact, i think it is written in my first journal) that anything I wrote in it would be used to his advantage to understand me better as a submissive and a person, and to gain better control of me. I shrugged it off in the beginning, but that was exactly what he did. Today, I don't journal, but everything I say in any conversation could potentially be used to gain more control of me...

So the "How to develop internal enslavement" works something like this...

Ask questions.
LISTEN to answers.
Judge Reactions.
Observe... EVERYTHING.

Internal enslavement is not meant for those that keep their D/s play solely to the bedroom. It is not for the vanilla spicers or the unsure or weak. A dominant actively engaging in IE carries a lot more responsibility than that of the average dominant... Your submissive's physical, emotional, and mental well-being is dependent on YOU. I'm not saying that a submissive that has been involved in IE is incapable of thinking for herself, or would never survive if left on her own. I am saying that that the IE relationship marks a person for life.

There is very little in my life that my Master does not control. My clothing, hair color, eating habits, sexuality, recreational activities, hobbies, and financial security are things on the surface that are relatively easy to see and understand. My emotional health and mental stability are also very closely linked to him. That is what most people don't see. He grounds me when I fly too high or to wild. He is my balance. I feed off of his emotions, and crave to please him. There is not an action I take during the day that I do not consider his point of view, his thoughts, his approval. I make the majority of my decision based on the things that he has taught me and if he would approve or not. Because I trust his judgement. Because I know that he knows me well enough to make decisions for me, or to give me the best advice. He takes care of me, works to keep me happy, because I serve and obey him. In return, he is my world.

It was said recently to Master by a friend of his that he was "unsure if I was truly submissive or if I only submitted to Master because I would lose him otherwise". I stated later that evening (without being aware of the comment) that I didn't think I would submit to another dominant if I were to lose Master. I took some time to ponder both statements. At first, I didn't see a difference.

"I am choosing to submit, isn't that enough?" I asked Master. He told me that he wanted a willing submissive, not a slave that felt forced to submit because of love or blackmail.

I don't feel like a slave. I went into this relationship seeking a Master, a dominant. I sought the lifestyle, craved it, though I was never this far in. It has never been something Master has forced upon me, nor will it ever be. Yes, there are days that I struggle with my role, but I have never had the desire to turn my back on it. Mostly, I struggle because of some of the people around me. Largely, society has rebelled so far against the 1950s housewife, that it isn't normal to be a dependent, soft woman. We aren't supposed to want to be taken care of anymore.

Does it make me less of a submissive in general for never wanting another Master? No. I just don't think someone else could fill his shoes. I'm not sure I would want someone else to try. To me, he is irreplaceable.

Thoughts...

Thank you for all the well wishes and crossed fingers. To my thoughts the interview went well, but i am still waiting to hear back from them. It's a state job and you know what they say about government work...

There are so many thoughts swirling in my brain at the moment that it is hard to pin just one down to write about. Forgive me if this post makes no sense....

I'm a member of fetlife and have recently been disgusted by the actions of some members of the "lifestyle community." Someone, we will call him Dick, was recently publicly outed and accused of abuse. He went on LIVE tv stating that he had a sexual contract with a girl that allowed him to hit her. GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that. I happen to have experience with this individual that occurred when i was still a new submissive, and even i knew enough to stay the hell away from him. He was creepy, and attempted to control me from the beginning of our conversation. I blocked him from my yahoo messenger and moved on. My ex-girlfriend is now in a relationship with Dick, along with a few other girls.. I think he has 4 in total now. Dick, and anyone in a relationship with him, has been banned from every group in the state. OKCKINK, TULSA, TDS, OKCTNG, Dominion, TULSATNG have ALL BANNED HIM. Some of these bannings took place BEFORE his most recent arrest (the third i believe). So he and his girls started a new group. Now, i'm a member of the Board of Directors for OKCTNG. One of the other board members was approached by one of his girls (also my exgirlfriend) and asked to be allowed to post events being hosted by their group on our board. We declined. SHE DID IT ANYWAY. It was subsequently deleted and she was banned from our group. When i logged on to fet today. There were postings from the group IN EVERY OTHER GROUP I BELONG TO, except to OPPA, the one i run. SOMEONE hasn't gotten the HINT, that they aren't wanted here. They are considered dangerous and 'sketchy.' I have one report of one of his girls lying about a sustained injury just to make someone look bad. HE and ALL OF HIS GIRLS DISGUST me!

On the other side of things, i am quite excited to be moving with my Master. I am still waiting to hear back about the job i applied for, but am confident i will soon. I've been busy packing up my apartment, still need to get rid of my couch, and rent a UHAUL.

And somehow without play, i am lost in that floaty, needy, fuzzy world that comes after subspace. I feel the need to... 'crawl into him where it's safe' in mouse's words. I need to be close to him, and cannot. I need to feel him around me, inside of me, controlling me- completely and totally- and cannot... I long for him. It will only be a few days till i see him again, as we are attending a concert together friday night.

Where is my craving for pain? Where is my need to hurt, to suffer, to bruise? Why do i feel... nervous about the pain? Afraid of it even. Why?

TTWD: My submission

I've always been a masochist. Pain has just always been this huge part of my life. It was easy to accept, easy to watch the bruises and scrapes and cuts heal. The initial pain might be very intense, but it eventually fades away, leave new skin, beautiful and perfect.

When i started cutting, it was for much the same reason. I wanted to watch that beautiful perfectness form, wanted to cut away the old me, suffer the pain to hope and watch for a more perfect me, one with less pain on the inside. It turned into a habit. I started cutting because i wanted to, because it was something i could control on the outside, but before long it was an addiction, just like smoking or drinking or shopping can be for some people.

After understanding all of that about myself, it wasn't impossible for the younger me (at about 16 or so) to imagine the connections between pain and sex. I was already getting high on the adrenaline pumping through my veins, why not combine that with fucking? To me, both things felt good, so when my first boyfriend and i tried combining the two- just a little hair pulling or rough sex- i wasn't surprised to find sex more enjoyable.

Fast forward several years to when i first heard about BDSM and all this madness. I have always seen myself as 'under' anyone i have ever dated. I would fetch drinks and sit on the floor and rub feet. It was my natural state to take care of others. Of anyone else. So much so that i would cease to take care of myself. I read the pretty stories, just like everyone else. I identified with O, at least in some way. I learned that liking pain, being sexually stimulated by it was experienced by a lot of people. So many people in fact that there was a entire community built around it.

I went for some time believing that i understood what submission meant, believing that i was a submissive, or a slave. I understood the word kajira. I continued to research, continued to explore, but like most people at a young age, i, for the most part, believed that i knew it all. That while some of the technical details still escaped me, i knew what it meant to be submissive.

When met Master of Reason in October, it was half by randomness, by chance. The relationship i was in had just ended (with in hours), though i had been struggling with it for a while. I didn't understand why i was struggling, but it wasn't working. And after 9 months of not looking, He just happened to pop onto collarme.com and see my profile. We started chatting, had our first date, and things have spiraled from there.

What he has taught me along the way is that almost everything i thought i knew about submission, i didn't. I didn't really know anything at all. And i was controlled by fear so much that there was no way anyone else could truly own me.What i had been struggling with was the need for a deeper relationship, a need to really give everything over. And what i have learned on my own is that submission comes from the heart. It really is a gift to be given, as taking it from someone, forcing it, taints the beauty of it.

So this brings us back to present day. I've worked to earn this collar. I've had to let go of my fear, to let go of my past, to let go of my anger.

This weekend taught me that i have to let go of my control, too. That when it really comes down to it, with him, i am helpless. I have no control. Not since i gave myself to him. Sure, i can beg and plead, and if absolutely necessary i can use my safe word or leave. But in the realm of our relationship, he owns me, he controls me.

He also protects me, even from myself at times. He cherishes me. I am His three-holed slut, His fuck-toy, His whore. I wash his dishes, fetch his drinks, fetch his inhaler. When i am lucky, i shower him, sleep next to him. I am whatever he needs me to be. I am his cherished submissive, his puppy dog. He can be mean, almost cruel even. But He is also sweet and gentle and loving and protective. He listens when my days are shitty, and helps me to center myself.

I am whatever he requires. I always try to keep Him in mind in my decisions. I am His.

Craving to Serve

I'm still in search of my meaning of submission. Still trying to understand this thing we do, this way i feel... In my search i found this image, and the little poem, and liked it so much i thought i would share it with you.

Though i might not really understand the way i think and feel, i do know that there is this deep desire within me to feel his control, to feel powerless and owned. This was said a few times last night as Master and i chatted.

"You own me" "Yes, I do. You are mine. And I love you very much."

As stressed as i have found myself lately, those words wrapped around me like a heated blanket on a freezing night. i slept peacefully for the first time all week, with no tears, no nightmares; i don't even remember dreaming. i slept the deep sleep of a girl, owned completely, and safe in that possession.

Gor has been on my mind a lot to day, for no particular reason that i can express. Master and i have had those moments of play with this lifestyle. Leading my through the house by my hair, ordering me off the bed with a sharp "floor kajira!" While neither of us consider ourselves or our relations Gorean, and we see the books for just that- fiction novels that could be role-played, i think it echoes something deep in both of us. That little fantasy in my head where i truly have no consent and no responsibility. Where i truly am property, and He owns me completely, to sell, to trade, to love, to keep. It is an edge that we dance on... A line we step to, nudge at, but do not cross completely. It is more like a game we play.

As some of you know, my nickname on several website's is kslave. k for my first name, k for kajira. Why? i just said i don't identify as Gorean. And kajiraslave is a little redundant. Because i was raised kajira. And while it wasn't always so obvious, the training was always there, directly or indirectly; i was always taught to serve. And, at the moment at least, i crave that total powerlessness, i crave giving up everything to Him, concentrating on nothing but Him, serving Him. Letting all thoughts of work and life and pain and anguish drift away, give over to the desire to serve....

TTWD: What is submission?

What is submission? It's a word i hear used a lot in the community. It sparks a lot of debate. Consent, whether than consent can be removed. If you can ever give yourself to someone so fully that you have no choices left, not even the choice to leave.

My six month training collar is up in June, and as the date approaches, as i think more about TTWD, i find myself questioning myself, my submission, submission as a whole. I am searching for answers any place i know to look. Myself, my Master, forums and boards, and you, my readers.

What is submission to you?

Does it come with restrictions on your dominant and the things that He/she can have you do?

Do you still have a level of consent, of choice (forget what the law says, i want to know how you feel)?

Is your submission 24/7?