Thoughts...

Thank you for all the well wishes and crossed fingers. To my thoughts the interview went well, but i am still waiting to hear back from them. It's a state job and you know what they say about government work...

There are so many thoughts swirling in my brain at the moment that it is hard to pin just one down to write about. Forgive me if this post makes no sense....

I'm a member of fetlife and have recently been disgusted by the actions of some members of the "lifestyle community." Someone, we will call him Dick, was recently publicly outed and accused of abuse. He went on LIVE tv stating that he had a sexual contract with a girl that allowed him to hit her. GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that. I happen to have experience with this individual that occurred when i was still a new submissive, and even i knew enough to stay the hell away from him. He was creepy, and attempted to control me from the beginning of our conversation. I blocked him from my yahoo messenger and moved on. My ex-girlfriend is now in a relationship with Dick, along with a few other girls.. I think he has 4 in total now. Dick, and anyone in a relationship with him, has been banned from every group in the state. OKCKINK, TULSA, TDS, OKCTNG, Dominion, TULSATNG have ALL BANNED HIM. Some of these bannings took place BEFORE his most recent arrest (the third i believe). So he and his girls started a new group. Now, i'm a member of the Board of Directors for OKCTNG. One of the other board members was approached by one of his girls (also my exgirlfriend) and asked to be allowed to post events being hosted by their group on our board. We declined. SHE DID IT ANYWAY. It was subsequently deleted and she was banned from our group. When i logged on to fet today. There were postings from the group IN EVERY OTHER GROUP I BELONG TO, except to OPPA, the one i run. SOMEONE hasn't gotten the HINT, that they aren't wanted here. They are considered dangerous and 'sketchy.' I have one report of one of his girls lying about a sustained injury just to make someone look bad. HE and ALL OF HIS GIRLS DISGUST me!

On the other side of things, i am quite excited to be moving with my Master. I am still waiting to hear back about the job i applied for, but am confident i will soon. I've been busy packing up my apartment, still need to get rid of my couch, and rent a UHAUL.

And somehow without play, i am lost in that floaty, needy, fuzzy world that comes after subspace. I feel the need to... 'crawl into him where it's safe' in mouse's words. I need to be close to him, and cannot. I need to feel him around me, inside of me, controlling me- completely and totally- and cannot... I long for him. It will only be a few days till i see him again, as we are attending a concert together friday night.

Where is my craving for pain? Where is my need to hurt, to suffer, to bruise? Why do i feel... nervous about the pain? Afraid of it even. Why?

Letter...

How do i tell you all the things i think? I've neglected my writing because i'm afraid to tell you what i think. Afraid i will hurt you.

I've never really thought that it was my job to protect you. But i guess i have always acted that way. I censor myself, censor my thoughts, my words. I walk on eggshells to keep myself from telling you the truth. Because i love you. Because of who you are. Because of who i remember you being. Because of who i want you to be again.

I feel like you have lost your way, like you don't remember you have the capability of being such an amazing person. So much potential. Remember that time a while ago when you believed the world was at your fingertips? When you sought to be the best? When you had goals and motivation and drive?'

You used to be this strong person, this beautiful inspiring person. Now you work a job you hate and haven't bothered to take responsibility to find better. You whine to others, but do nothing to make it better. You are a loser.

Please, for my sake, remember who you were, who you were growing to be. I depend on you to be strong, to be my rock. I need you.