Truth

Master, as much as any other man, can be quite... frustrating. Maybe more so then regular vanilla men, because in my perspective, so much of my lively hood depends on him. Not in a i can't breathe without you sort of way, or the i literally can't make even one decision without consulting you sort of way (though i'm sure it feels that way to him sometimes), but in a i look to him for guidance and he controls most of my life sort of way.

I read lots of blogs that are more like porn. Addicting (i've read most of them for months), but lacking real substance. They talk alot about spankings and sex and fantasies. About masturbation. Few ever really get into the grit of being a submissive. The times when you just want to bite your Master's head off, tell him to get it his damned self, or need, really need, to be put first. What about when you, as a submissive, need a back rub or would like sex to focus on your pleasure? Don't give me this bullshit answer that it NEVER happens, that a good submissive lives for pleasing the Dominant, that you get all you could ever ever need just from pleasing him. I don't buy it. If it is the case that i am the only one to struggle with my submission, that i occasionally want to be put first, to have my needs met, then maybe i should rethink my chosen lifepath. But i doubt it.

I think that everyone struggles, but most of us are too afraid to admit it. We all read the same perfect porn blogs, that never face the upsets, never face the punishments or trials. You don't read on someones blog how they lost their temper and yelled at Master. Because to do so would admit weakness, fallibility. A blemish on the face of the perfect slave. I will no longer hide in such a way.

I'm not perfect, i'm no where close. And i often lose my temper, my head, my faith, and my ability to function as, or even imagine the existence of, a perfect submissive version of myself. I say things that don't make sense to me a hour or two later. I can be mean, vicious even. I don't always get everything that i need by pleasing my master. I fail. I struggle. I stumble. I get dirty and cry. I can feel like an attention starved brat. I have the emotional mood swings of a hormonal teenager.

The important thing is that i keep going. I don't let anyone piece of trash stop me from running, walking, crawling even to my destination of being the best that i can be for him. And i am lucky enough that i have a wise and tough master willing to pick my ass up when i fall.

Diligence

I sometimes use this blog as a bouncing board, writing out my thoughts as i do in my journal. I place them here in the hope that someone who is just entering the lifestyle or perhaps a lost submissive will read them and realize that there is hope. I also use it to reflect on things i am learning, like the traditions. But typing out entries for each of the twelve traditions, i come to grasp a better knowledge of them. Its voicing my thoughts, my understanding. Maybe one You D-types will read them and adopt them. My blog is not just for submissives to learn and grow from. As a grateful slave says in "Slavecraft" D-types "are often mystified be submissives, both bottoms ans slaves, and cannot understand why we enjoy submission, or, more importantly, how we do it." (pg 42). He speaks of the myth of slave training. He means that slaves or submissives (especially new to the lifestyle, or the thought of slavehood or submission) believe that they will receive any and all training they need from this perfect D-type. The problem, as slave states, is that most Dominants don't have a clue on h0w to do what we s-types do. My Master has admitted that he does not know how to guide me on my path of submission. He knows how to train me- my behaviors, the way i cook, the way i dress, etc- but nothing on finding the inner sanctuary of peace that i glimpse through submission or the tools that i need to destruct my inner resistances and fight against the internal challenges i face in the journey to become his. I often wish that i had a more experienced submissive or slave that i could go to to confide in, to seek advice from. I read the blogs of others and find some comfort, but general feel alone on my path. It is very frustrating at time. And so, to help prevent other s-types to cope with that feeling, and perhaps so that my D-type readers may come to understand their s-type companions better, i continue to log my journey into submission here. I realize that i have approached this in a very scientific way as of yet, defining traditions and not giving any insight into overcoming my struggles. So, as i will be accepting a six month training collar soon, i hope to more regularly post my internal conflicts and how i have found to resolve them. I would like to say that i will post every day, but i will not set such a high and possibly unobtainable goal for myself. My life interferes, and i hope to be kept busy by training sessions. As i will not post for the next few days, i will wish all of you a happy kinky new year and close for the night.

Responsibility

For about a year or so now i have been acting more like a teenager or child than the 23 yearold woman that i am. I leave things for the last minute, especially chores, when i know i can get away with it (like when Master will not be around to see my house in a horrible state of disarray), make excuses for not doing things, and generally can get pretty lazy during the week. Master made a point to me last night, that little slaves like me need and can crave the tight leash, that i need him to watch things constantly or slack off and have a tendency to misbehave or get an attitude. As usual, Master is quite correct. I'm not always sure what it is that causes this, as i like to please my Master and most of the time try very hard to be a good girl. I guess part of it is lack of motivaton and a lean toward procrastination. I like schedules. Not exactly micromanagement, but more "Today you must accomplish A. B. and C." or "Every day you should spend ___ minutes doing this" It keeps me focused and reminds me that no matter how far away he is, and though he cannot see it at the moment, My Master is always with me, always watching out for me, always cares.

Fifth Tradtion of the House of Reason

"I will not try to manipulate my master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. In other words, I will not top from the bottom."

Manipulation is a way of life. Its using something to get what you want. Sex, emotion, etc. Flirting is manipulation, so is intimidation. I used to be very used to using sex to get my way. Men pretty much always want sex and are used to doing, saying just about anything to get it. Master refused to sleep with me when we started dating. He took control of that from the begining. It was a smart move.
I admit I am still guilty of this from time to time, mostly unintentionally. I have yet to gain the ability to ask for something that I desire without manipulation. I am still childish in many ways, prone to outbursts and emotional breakdowns. On some level, I suppose these outburst and breakdowns are another form of manipulation, however unintentional. I am no where near the perfect submissive, and I understand that I have much more to learn and much further to grow before i am worth of accepting a collar for life from my Master.

Thanksgiving- a holiday?

I took monday and tuesday off of work so that i could come up here to Master's house for thanksgiving. We drove up late friday night, got here about 3am. i spent saturday cleaning the house, and sunday grocery shopping. Monday, tuesday, and most of wednesday we just lazed around the house, watching old episodes of Star Trek: TNG. Today, i cooked, fed his family that came over, and now i am hiding in the office, writing on this blog, escaping people i don't know.

Its not there is anything wrong with them, dont make that assumption. They seem nice enough. I'm just a little bit overloaded. Too many new people, too small a space, too hot. Plays on all my nerves. Its also interesting that they all half know about the D/s side of our relationship, and that Pia is here (she is Master's... other girl, a pet submissive of sorts) and what she is to him. I'm trying not to cross to many lines (his or theirs or mine) and still joke and be relaxed. I wonder how much trouble i will be in when they all leave.

I've learned a couple things about this lifestyle over the last few weeks; things that now seem so obvious, but somehow i missed before. First, i now understand that love and sex and relationships and D/s do not all have to go together, and sometimes don't. And that is perfectly acceptable. I don't love M, but i had no problem turning his ass a nice shade of purple. We didn't have sex. I am not his mistress, nor will i be. Secondly, Sadism does not equal dominance, or the other way around. Nor does masochism equal submission. Those things frequently go hand and hand, but do not have to.

And i was reminded of several things i already knew. Like, love doesn't fix everything, doesn't make a relationship succeed. It is quite possible to love someone fully and completely and not be able to be with them. Also, there is a 1-10 of dominance and submission in all people, the same way that Hirschfield and Kinsey defined sexuality. Very few people are completely dominant (a 10) or completely submissive (1). This does not mean that D/s is a competition, because if you are honest with yourself and with other people, there really is no changing who you are at heart, just ways of disguising it.

Fourth Tradition of the House of Reason

I will give my gift of submission only to those that can responsibly accept and desire to receive. I will not place anyone in a position of Topping me non-consensually, nor will I give my respect to someone who has not earned it.

In the past year of finding my self as a submissive, and of searching for a Master, i stumbled across a lot of people with varying degrees of knowledge and experience. i belong to several websites, both vanilla and lifestyle based, and received many messages from all types. At first, i was flattered by all the attention, and would read emails with a innocent sense of hope. My perception of the shining knight on a horse had changed, but not the desire to be swept away. But the more messages i receive, the more disappointed i was. People were rude, and couldn't spell. But beyond that, i found many fake "Doms" that initially sounded good but were even more unknowledgeable about the lifestyle than i was. While i'm sure they had given many floggings online, very few went further than that. Most also expected perfect submission to them upon the first interaction. Since then, i have come across other 'dominants' undeserving of respect and submission, at least from my view point. One woman i had wanted to scene with, months ago. Then, at a party i watched her drink (several shots and a few beers) then scene with her submissive.I watched him cry, and watched her push him even further. I lost all respect for her that night. I think all of this can ber flipped and applied to submissives as well. There are as many fake submissives and wanna be slaves as dominants and Masters.

The second part of this tradition is about forcing submission on someone who doesnt really want it. A few examples come to mind for me. The first is something i have done. Shortly i discovered the lifestyle, i was dating a vanilla man that i cared for very much. i tried to introduce him to the things that i wanted, tried to force a paddle in his hand so to speak. I want to submit to him and wanted him to hurt me in all those fun ways... I learned in the end, however, that we were simply not compatiable in that respect. Another example i have seen. A girl i knew once was exceptionally clingy to a master that would not collar her. She nagged and goaded him into scenes, refusing to, or unable to, realize that he had no interest in her. And far from the scene pleasing him, serving him, he just wanted to get it over with.

Third Tradition of the House of Reason

I will be responsive to my Master. I will not hide what my mind and body are feeling so that i my assist my Master in his responsibilities as my authority. I realize that my Master is not a telepath, and will not expect my Master to know thoughts or feelings which i do not share.

I'm fairly easy to read, emotionally, with my heart always on my sleeve. I may try to hide, but for someone who knows me, these attempts are usually useless. Still, i have a tendency to say 'i'm fine' when asked what is bothering me, or to cover up pain and sickness. I often refuse to disclose my thoughts and fears, my anger or frustration, until it is either too late or everything comes out in an explosion of discontent. Not only is it hazardous to my mental and physical health to both hide and explode in rage, but it is also hazardous to relationships. I don't think that anyone really enjoys being blindsided by an emotional 2x4.
Hiding what my body is feeling can, in extreme cases, cause serious physical injury. A Dominant may scene harder than is healthy for a submissive if he doesn't know that she is suffering from a health issue. Here is an example. If you are a dominant that has not been told the medical history of the submissive you are playing with, you could be aware that she has blood sugar issues. During an intense scene, her blood sugar drops, heart rate and breathing slow and she falls unconscious. Time is wasted in panic and then 9-1-1 is called. This could have been avoided with glucose tablets, which raise blood sugar quickly. In this situation, the blame lies with both parties. The girl obviously should have communicated with the dominant she was playing with. However, i believe it just as important for the dominant to ask any potential playmates about medical issues, as for a submissive to volunteer the information. Master of Reason, for example, took note of my medical history before we ever played seriously. It keeps both of us safe.