Desires...

Master and I played with another girl on Tuesday night. It was something we had been talking about for a long time. We talked about three different scenarios- me being a top, a bottom, and neutral to the other female involved. I was most interested in being neutral the first time- being a completely ignored observer, but Master wanted me more involved. So I ended up kinda topping, and kind being on equal level with her. There was some rope play, a little impact play, hogtieing her. Then Master fucked her as i worshiped his feet from the floor... It was rather intense for me, and a first for us...

I'm interested in doing it all again. The girl, watching them fuck, hurting her, being hurt, worshiping both their feet, her foot pushing down on my head... *happy sigh*

And above that... I want to scene soooo fucking bad. I want to be beaten, bruised, bleeding, sore, stiff, giggling, cumming, tortured... I can't help it... I'm just a fucking pain slut...

TTWD: Internal Enslavement

I was browsing through my blog statistics and saw that I had many many page views for the Internal Enslavement post that I did in june of 2009. IE is also the term that leads people to my page most often. Related searches are "how to develop internal enslavement" and "how tos of internal enslavement" (those last two were in the last month). When I googled it, I was the fourth listed site on the subject, right after the enslavement website that I have previously quoted. So first off, I will say thank you to those that come to my blog to get read the short post that I had up already.

That all being said, my first post wasn't all that... intimate. I basically defined what internal enslavement was, and left it at that. At the time (some what early in my submission) I didn't have a great concept of what IE was, what it could possibly mean to me, and I was seeking an answer as I am sure that most of the people that have been lead to my blog are doing now. but it isn't really enough to read a definition. When the average kinkster is seeking answers, they, i think, are looking to find real life examples, and not just positive ones. Those new to the concept or to the D/s lifestyle are seeking a how to guide, perhaps. They heard the term at a much, saw a post on fetlife, and became rather curious as to what it meant. It struck a very good nerve, and now they must scour the internet searching for some way to achieve such an deep form of submission.

For me, internal enslavement was something I found myself in, without a name for it. The name came by accident. I was reading everything about D/s I could find, and stumbled upon the term on a blog I read briefly, and then had the desire to learn what I could about the concept and what I was realizing I got myself into. The aforementioned website says something like this "detailed examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership."

This is exactly what my Master does. He uses my thoughts, my emotions, and my experiences in life to gain better control of me. When I first started to journal, Master told me (as a matter of fact, i think it is written in my first journal) that anything I wrote in it would be used to his advantage to understand me better as a submissive and a person, and to gain better control of me. I shrugged it off in the beginning, but that was exactly what he did. Today, I don't journal, but everything I say in any conversation could potentially be used to gain more control of me...

So the "How to develop internal enslavement" works something like this...

Ask questions.
LISTEN to answers.
Judge Reactions.
Observe... EVERYTHING.

Internal enslavement is not meant for those that keep their D/s play solely to the bedroom. It is not for the vanilla spicers or the unsure or weak. A dominant actively engaging in IE carries a lot more responsibility than that of the average dominant... Your submissive's physical, emotional, and mental well-being is dependent on YOU. I'm not saying that a submissive that has been involved in IE is incapable of thinking for herself, or would never survive if left on her own. I am saying that that the IE relationship marks a person for life.

There is very little in my life that my Master does not control. My clothing, hair color, eating habits, sexuality, recreational activities, hobbies, and financial security are things on the surface that are relatively easy to see and understand. My emotional health and mental stability are also very closely linked to him. That is what most people don't see. He grounds me when I fly too high or to wild. He is my balance. I feed off of his emotions, and crave to please him. There is not an action I take during the day that I do not consider his point of view, his thoughts, his approval. I make the majority of my decision based on the things that he has taught me and if he would approve or not. Because I trust his judgement. Because I know that he knows me well enough to make decisions for me, or to give me the best advice. He takes care of me, works to keep me happy, because I serve and obey him. In return, he is my world.

It was said recently to Master by a friend of his that he was "unsure if I was truly submissive or if I only submitted to Master because I would lose him otherwise". I stated later that evening (without being aware of the comment) that I didn't think I would submit to another dominant if I were to lose Master. I took some time to ponder both statements. At first, I didn't see a difference.

"I am choosing to submit, isn't that enough?" I asked Master. He told me that he wanted a willing submissive, not a slave that felt forced to submit because of love or blackmail.

I don't feel like a slave. I went into this relationship seeking a Master, a dominant. I sought the lifestyle, craved it, though I was never this far in. It has never been something Master has forced upon me, nor will it ever be. Yes, there are days that I struggle with my role, but I have never had the desire to turn my back on it. Mostly, I struggle because of some of the people around me. Largely, society has rebelled so far against the 1950s housewife, that it isn't normal to be a dependent, soft woman. We aren't supposed to want to be taken care of anymore.

Does it make me less of a submissive in general for never wanting another Master? No. I just don't think someone else could fill his shoes. I'm not sure I would want someone else to try. To me, he is irreplaceable.

TTWD: What is submission?

What is submission? It's a word i hear used a lot in the community. It sparks a lot of debate. Consent, whether than consent can be removed. If you can ever give yourself to someone so fully that you have no choices left, not even the choice to leave.

My six month training collar is up in June, and as the date approaches, as i think more about TTWD, i find myself questioning myself, my submission, submission as a whole. I am searching for answers any place i know to look. Myself, my Master, forums and boards, and you, my readers.

What is submission to you?

Does it come with restrictions on your dominant and the things that He/she can have you do?

Do you still have a level of consent, of choice (forget what the law says, i want to know how you feel)?

Is your submission 24/7?

Why do submissives stop communicating?

Master has an article somewhere that his mentoree, we'll call her M, wrote about journaling. I think its titled something like "How to get your slave to journal". I know i've read it a couple of times, going through the binder that we keep all the BDSM articles written in. I'm not sure if she remember it, or still holds the same opinions that she expressed there, but I would like to write my own little piece about the topic here. However, i am expanding from journaling to communicating in general.

From this submissives point of view, journaling is just another form of communication with the Dominant. It is at times more honest, as some find it easier to be forthcoming in writing and there are no immediate reactions or judgments and no interruptions. Journaling can, if used properly, be an excellent method of open honest communication. I have seen some Dominants use the journal as a training tool, accessing the submissives thoughts and feelings after a scene, or during times of struggle. I have also seen it allowed for a submissive's journal to be a safe space- somewhere the submissive can write in a free space sort of way, away from any restrictions of speech, completely unedited. It is not free in that confession would go ignored or unpunished, but that some credit was given for confessing in the first place.

It is important to remember, however, as both submissive and Dominant, that journaling, should be only one method for communicating out of many. While journaling has the benefits i already talked above, it also has a drawback or to. First is clarity. It is easy to lose the meaning of a statement when it is written down. When said, something might be funny. When written, it falls flat. You lose your tone of voice. Body language- facial expressions, hand gestures, eye contact (or lack of it), posture- all play into what is said, and all are lost when words are written. It is also as easy to lie when you write as to be honest. Someone can write pages upon pages without ever really saying anything at all, or without saying anything true. Care must be taken.

So, now after that basic information and slight bit of rambling, why does a submissive stop communicating? It is a basic service to the Dominant to communicate, to share needs, desires, limits, experiences, emotions, struggles, fears. It is a basic service to be open, to be vulnerable, so that they may know their property, so that nothing is kept from them. So that ownership is complete. So why keep secrets? Fear, guilt, confusion, and feeling ignored can all lead to a breakdown in communication.

Fear is a factor in daily life. We fear what we do not understand. We fear the responses that we might get from others. We fear our own recognition. To speak something, to write it, gives it validity. It gives it existence. It is no long a quiet thought in a hidden shadow in the mind. It has a body, a form, a life. The what ifs can be overwhelming. What if i said this and he gets angry, or disappointed? What if i am wrong?

Shame and guilt often keep us quiet. We don't want to be punished, or to disappoint. A submissive might be kept quiet by the values that society has placed on her. Even if the Dominant approves of something, or supports it, often upbringing and contemporary values do not. Reassurance is needed here.

A submissive may not understand her own thoughts or feelings. Confusion may lead to lack of communication as she sifts through what she is thinking in an effort to understand herself. Her confusion could also be about something that was said or done to her. She may not know how to respond to it, and so decides not to respond at all. Confusion can put a block to logical communication, and in this case, patience and careful discussions are the best ways to approach the situation.

The 'why bother' cause of a lack of communication is for me, the worst, and hardest to deal with. The attitude from the submissive side is something like "He doesn't read my journal anyway, so why should i write in it?" or "My opinion doesn't really matter, so i just won't say anything." These lines of thinking could have a few different causes. The Dominant might have been overwhelmed recently with other activities, causing is attention to shift from training for long periods of time (or shorter periods of time, depending on how attention seeking the submissive is). Previous experiences in life may have caused this line of thinking to settle deep with in the submissive's mind. Again, reassurances should be made, as well as a careful look as a Dominant at your own actions. Does your submissive have a point? If it has been several weeks since you last read anything from her journal, if you haven't taken the time to sit and talk to her about her feeling, her stances in her submission, do you really understand her mind?

The bonsai tree must be monitored closely and pruned wisely. It should be observed as it grows to that it can be trimmed, or tied as needed. If allowed to grow freely, or untamed, it loses part of its beauty. The same is true for a submissive. Communication is observance. It is pruning. It is part of the control that we, as submissives seek...

Ready for the weekend

In the past month, i have actually been with my Master (not counting sleep) twelve hours. It was a good visit, one of our better ones, but too short, for both of us. Tomorrow i make the three hour drive to his house, to home. As much as i get frustrated, and as worried as we both have been about the state of our relationship, he still feels like home... Tonight, i straightened my apartment (just in case, and i like coming home to a clean house), baked a loaf of bread to take to him, baked him cookies, packed, and still have had to make time to take care of myself. Eyebrows, toenails, in a bit a bath to shave and get soft.

At the same time, there has been a whirlwind of thoughts and 'to-do's going on in my head. Now that i have direction, a goal, i am very strong minded in working for that goal. Step one is paying off old school stuff (almost check), then comes enrolling for two classes this summer (and acing them), enrolling for the fall (most likely full time or 3/4 time), and going from there. Another part of that whirlwind comes from receiving "The Submissive Activity Book" by Shannon Reily. It didn't take long to read through most of it, realize the most useful parts to me, and understand that i could really, really benefit from it. I recommend this book to any submissive, regardless of your activity level or relationship status. Riley talks about everything from setting a personal protocol, limits, wants and needs, budgeting, scheduling, and learning new skills. The book contains several worksheets for each section. You don't need to be in a relationship for it to apply. I'm using a majority of it to just get organized.

Part of my pride in myself from the last few days comes from all this goal setting and organization, and the actions i am taking to reach those goals because its SELF MOTIVATED. Master has been busy and i have taken the steps to obtain these goals (as well as setting them) on my own. I've never been a very self-sufficient, self-motivated person, so i feel as if i have grown up a bit recently. Secondly, i haven't had a complete backslide in training without Master's constant guidance. yay!

Collar

It is a ring of steel around my neck. It closes with a very very tiny allen screw to which i have no key. It is heavy, but not weighing me down. For the next sixth months, this training collar will sit around my neck. I thought it would be hard to sleep with it on, thought i would panic or worry. I begged Master for a while to give me a key. But once it was on, all the worry faded away. All the frustration of the past couple of weeks, all the doubt, all the fear, fell away. It was just... gone. I feel light, weightless, floating. I didn't realize that the actual collar would make such a difference, as in my heart i feel he owns me (whether he realized it or not).
Collaring, even a training collar such as this, comes with commitment and responsibility on both sides. It is my responsibility to communicate, to obey, and to please him to the best of my ability. It is my commitment to him until June 21st. It is his responsibility to protect me, to keep in mind my physical, emotional, and mental health, and to communicate with me as well. I look to the next sixth months with excitement instead of fear, with joy instead of anger, and love instead of discontentment.