the Math of my Death

i have a kinds of bad, long ranging habit of thinking about mortality. Mine and everyone else's. i was in the bath tub last night and my brain went fuzzy, the start of the bipolar crash for me. i thought about how long it would take someone to figure out i had drown in the bath. Master talks to me most frequently of course, but doesn't have the phone number for anyone. He could email Miss L and Sir, after trying to call me. Okay.. Lets say i get in the bath at 7pm (as i did last night). i'm tired and the hot water is soothing, relaxing, plus in causes my blood pressure to lower. i fall asleep and drown, well say by 745pm. Master and i don't chat until 9 or 930. We'll say 9 cause that is what it was last night. Thats an hour and fifteen minutes. He waits until 910 to call me. i don't answer. He calls again and again until 930. At 930, He is worried enough that He emails Miss L, and She's there. She tries calling me as She drives down too. Lets assume that She leaves right away, doing 70-80 miles an hour the whole way here. If she doesn't get pulled over, She makes it here by 10. 2 hours and 15 minutes after my death. But no one has a key. They have two choices, break down the door or call the police and wait for them to break down the door. They take choice B. The police show, kick in my door, find me asleep in my bathtub, 3 hours after my death. This is the faster of two situations, the other being that Miss L doesn't get an email until the next day. If it was not for Master, it could be several days before i am discovered dead.

And if Master dies, suddenly, for whatever reason, how long until i know. No one close knows about me, no one would call. It would take, i believe, me calling His cell phone, and someone close by paying enough attention to answer it, assuming that it wasn't destroyed in whatever killed Him. And i would be finding out from His wife, and would recieve no comfort, to this situation that might kill me. Its scary.....

The Professor

The Professor is my little nick name for Him. Yes, it applies, as He does teach at a college. But at the same time, calling Him the professor raises some horny school girl in me and visions of time spent bent over a wooden desk earning my A comes to mind. No, no, don't get the wrong idea. i still belong to Master and that isn't changing any time soon. The Professor may be... what to call it? a playmate? a supplemental Dom? One more drug dealer in my addiction to being touched and spanked? All of the above? Master and i are discussing the Professor borrowing me.

Already He has kissed me. And had access to my lower lips. He escorted me to lunch today and spent a little time, toying with my clit (would have made me cum if i had been allowed, but stopped when i told Him that that was breaking the rules) and later fiddling with my smart balls, feeling them inside me. He pressed gently on my secret place too, but i told Him that was new and not something Master had done yet. It caused quite a reaction in me, by the look on His face.

It caused a strange reaction in me later, when telling Master what happened. When i got to that last part, it dropped me on my ass hard into little girl mode. It was like telling a grown-up what another grown-up did to me. Or that naughty little boy at school. Don't get me wrong, on some level, i liked it, it did feel good. But Master owns my ass most of all. i think that is because it is the spot on my body that involves the most submission from me. Enemas and anal plugs aren't my favorite things, and Master watching me or demanding them from me, really is a demand. It is not something i would do on a very regular basis without request from an outside source. i do like a little anal play now and then, though.

i do like the Professor. He's very handsome. And has very nice hair. And is sweet and listens when i talk. But just like Master, He is very Dom. Very present. He commands attention from me without demanding it. He could be real trouble... Real fun trouble... >:D

Safety in Distance

kslave: are You afraid of losing me?
Sir : no...not for that
kslave: i mean in general
Sir : i dont want to lose you if that is what you are asking
Sir : am I worrried? no
kslave: why not?
Sir: I dont know...just not worried..I guess I feel I can carry my own
Sir : I am Me..
Sir : that is all I can be
lotusblossum4 : yea
Sir : ok?
kslave: ok what?
Sir : are you ok?
Sir: your eyes are telling me there is an issue
Sir : Im telling you
Sir : the eyes dont lie
kslave: no
Sir: are you ok for the nite?
kslave: i dont have much of a choice
Sir: talk to me
kslave: it wasnt the answer i wanted or feel like i needed to hear
Sir : but its the answer I gave
kslave: yep
Sir: you ask these really deep questions..and it is difficult for me, be cause I dont think about it..I just do
Sir: ans I realize that it is your nature to question everything
Sir: but I dont always have the answers
Sir : I...just am
kslave: i know and honestly i got the answers i expected just not the ones i hoped for i am still a teenager, or a young girl in many way but i have adult understanding at the same time so there is a part of me that hopes for a fairytale must of me knows that fairytales are bullshit and if you wanna get saved you have to do it yourself at the same time
kslave: i wanted You to tell me that the idea of losing me from Your life hurts or scares You, even just a little and that You aren't worried about it because You see how much i love You
Sir: to be honest..it will hurt me
Sir: more than you probably think
kslave: and You dont feel like someone could take me away from You because of it
kslave: what do You mean? 'more than i probably think'?
Sir: im sure you think when the time comes I will just "discard" you
Sir: it wont be like that
Sir: you will have a place in my heart
Sir: my own slave girl
Sir: I have a big heart
Sir: I am always sad when I lose a friend..and you are much more than that
kslave: oh?
Sir: i may not be that good at expressing myself sometime but I have my feelings for you and I thank you for the time we spend together may still not be the answer you want
Sir: but as I said..I am me

Ture, it still wasn't the answer i really wanted, but i am not sure if i would have been happy getting the 'it would tear me apart to lose You, i'll never leave You' speech from Him. W/we simply don't have that kind of a relationship. And i think in part O/our kind of relationship is what is making Him feel so safe, because in one way or another, He is still distant from me, still on the other side of that wall. He can never be fully mine, W/we can never live together, never have babies. And that keeps some space between us i think, because someday, with someone, those are things that i want. So there is distance. And in that distance, because i am so fucked up, there is safety...

A struggling afternoon

Today presented me with a challenge, completely unexpected, and for the most part, unforeseeable. i was cleaning my apartment in anticipation of Master's arrival next weekend (5.5 days to go *giggles*) and that lead me to emptying out my old makeup bag and throwing things away. i like to be thorough. Anyway, so i empty out on the floor and in the bottom of the bag, and therefore on top of the pile, is my razor blade. The one i used when i was out (hence in the makeup bag). i panicked, freaked. i wanted to use it. Habit, i guess... Something clicked in me that made me realize that there was no REASON for me to want it. i was in a good mood, feeling just fine. And feeling something, not being numb. So it was stupid. Yet i couldnt move myself to throw it away.
i called Master. It was lucky that He was available to answer His phone. This is a moment i can truly say that i dont know what would have happened if i wasnt able to speak with Him. i told the truth. Told Him what i was feeling, that i couldnt do it. But, with His command, i could. and did. It took a little convincing, something in me didnt want let that go. But Master gave me no choice. And now its in the dumpster. It left me with that after scene feeling, the subdrop feeling... I curled up on my slave space as i have begun to think about it, and let my heart come back down from my throat to my chest. i remembered how to breathe...

Thank You Master...