Why do submissives stop communicating?

Master has an article somewhere that his mentoree, we'll call her M, wrote about journaling. I think its titled something like "How to get your slave to journal". I know i've read it a couple of times, going through the binder that we keep all the BDSM articles written in. I'm not sure if she remember it, or still holds the same opinions that she expressed there, but I would like to write my own little piece about the topic here. However, i am expanding from journaling to communicating in general.

From this submissives point of view, journaling is just another form of communication with the Dominant. It is at times more honest, as some find it easier to be forthcoming in writing and there are no immediate reactions or judgments and no interruptions. Journaling can, if used properly, be an excellent method of open honest communication. I have seen some Dominants use the journal as a training tool, accessing the submissives thoughts and feelings after a scene, or during times of struggle. I have also seen it allowed for a submissive's journal to be a safe space- somewhere the submissive can write in a free space sort of way, away from any restrictions of speech, completely unedited. It is not free in that confession would go ignored or unpunished, but that some credit was given for confessing in the first place.

It is important to remember, however, as both submissive and Dominant, that journaling, should be only one method for communicating out of many. While journaling has the benefits i already talked above, it also has a drawback or to. First is clarity. It is easy to lose the meaning of a statement when it is written down. When said, something might be funny. When written, it falls flat. You lose your tone of voice. Body language- facial expressions, hand gestures, eye contact (or lack of it), posture- all play into what is said, and all are lost when words are written. It is also as easy to lie when you write as to be honest. Someone can write pages upon pages without ever really saying anything at all, or without saying anything true. Care must be taken.

So, now after that basic information and slight bit of rambling, why does a submissive stop communicating? It is a basic service to the Dominant to communicate, to share needs, desires, limits, experiences, emotions, struggles, fears. It is a basic service to be open, to be vulnerable, so that they may know their property, so that nothing is kept from them. So that ownership is complete. So why keep secrets? Fear, guilt, confusion, and feeling ignored can all lead to a breakdown in communication.

Fear is a factor in daily life. We fear what we do not understand. We fear the responses that we might get from others. We fear our own recognition. To speak something, to write it, gives it validity. It gives it existence. It is no long a quiet thought in a hidden shadow in the mind. It has a body, a form, a life. The what ifs can be overwhelming. What if i said this and he gets angry, or disappointed? What if i am wrong?

Shame and guilt often keep us quiet. We don't want to be punished, or to disappoint. A submissive might be kept quiet by the values that society has placed on her. Even if the Dominant approves of something, or supports it, often upbringing and contemporary values do not. Reassurance is needed here.

A submissive may not understand her own thoughts or feelings. Confusion may lead to lack of communication as she sifts through what she is thinking in an effort to understand herself. Her confusion could also be about something that was said or done to her. She may not know how to respond to it, and so decides not to respond at all. Confusion can put a block to logical communication, and in this case, patience and careful discussions are the best ways to approach the situation.

The 'why bother' cause of a lack of communication is for me, the worst, and hardest to deal with. The attitude from the submissive side is something like "He doesn't read my journal anyway, so why should i write in it?" or "My opinion doesn't really matter, so i just won't say anything." These lines of thinking could have a few different causes. The Dominant might have been overwhelmed recently with other activities, causing is attention to shift from training for long periods of time (or shorter periods of time, depending on how attention seeking the submissive is). Previous experiences in life may have caused this line of thinking to settle deep with in the submissive's mind. Again, reassurances should be made, as well as a careful look as a Dominant at your own actions. Does your submissive have a point? If it has been several weeks since you last read anything from her journal, if you haven't taken the time to sit and talk to her about her feeling, her stances in her submission, do you really understand her mind?

The bonsai tree must be monitored closely and pruned wisely. It should be observed as it grows to that it can be trimmed, or tied as needed. If allowed to grow freely, or untamed, it loses part of its beauty. The same is true for a submissive. Communication is observance. It is pruning. It is part of the control that we, as submissives seek...

What women want from men... Or what i want from men.

I found this article while browsing the top 20 worst drinks in america. I always interested to know what men's magazine's say that women want, cause i think 99% of it is BS. This is the 50 things women want men to do, but they don't. The full list can be found here: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/what_women_want_from_men/

I picked out the things in the list that apply to me. Please realize that these were written by (maybe, probably mostly) vanilla women. My comments are *in stars*

What She Wishes You Knew #1

Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count. *Nor does it solve all relationship problems.*

What She Wishes You Knew #3

I will leave if you lie

What She Wishes You Knew #5

I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so. *not every time....*

What She Wishes You Knew #6

I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear. *especially dirty things in public*

What She Wishes You Knew #7

"Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

What She Wishes You Knew #8

Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. *most times. Occasionally, its Johnny Depp*

What She Wishes You Knew #9

I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

What She Wishes You Knew #10

I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you. *or a text message. Or a phone call. Even at 2am when i'm slightly pissed at you*

What She Wishes You Knew #11

I expect you to call me. *and am disappointed when you don't*

What She Wishes You Knew #13

I'm scared of losing my independence. *Even though i crave to submit to you totally, most of the time*

What She Wishes You Knew #14

I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

What She Wishes You Knew #16

You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

What She Wishes You Knew #17

If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.

What She Wishes You Knew #20

When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

What She Wishes You Knew #21

A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies. *this doesn't change simply because i'm submissive.*

What She Wishes You Knew #22

You look hot in hooded clothing items. *its true*

What She Wishes You Knew #25

My breasts love much licking and sucking. *99% of the time. While they enjoy pinching and twisting about 75% of the time*

What She Wishes You Knew #26

If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

What She Wishes You Knew #27

I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

What She Wishes You Knew #28

I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

What She Wishes You Knew #31

Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

What She Wishes You Knew #32

I'm in heaven when you hold my hand. *especially when i sit next to you in the car*

What She Wishes You Knew #33

You're sexy when you're: shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby. *Master doesn't wear jeans, but its true*

What She Wishes You Knew #34

I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now. *remember that i expect you to call me?*

What She Wishes You Knew #35

Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving. *i love surprises*

What She Wishes You Knew #36

I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you to recognize this.

What She Wishes You Knew #37

If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking . . .

What She Wishes You Knew #39

I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

What She Wishes You Knew #40

Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

What She Wishes You Knew #41

I love it when you're sweaty.

What She Wishes You Knew #42

It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas. *though if you truly thought i will like something, i'm impressed even if the idea fails.*

What She Wishes You Knew #43

A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

What She Wishes You Knew #44

I like porn. *nods lots*

What She Wishes You Knew #45

I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands. *mostly when we are having sex*

What She Wishes You Knew #46

Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public. *and i'm a naughty girl, so what does that tell you?*

What She Wishes You Knew #47

It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read . . .

What She Wishes You Knew #48

For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

What She Wishes You Knew #49

I remember everything about our relationship.

What She Wishes You Knew #50

You should know all this and more without my telling you.

One or two of my own

I love to lay next you you and squirm while your hand works between my legs. It makes me feel more submissive knowing that you control the pleasure, that you can make me squirm, and more connected, feeling your body pressed against mine chest to hip. Its also sexy to me for you to do it rather than just commanding me to do it. Not that i don't love to masturbate for you too.

Thanksgiving- a holiday?

I took monday and tuesday off of work so that i could come up here to Master's house for thanksgiving. We drove up late friday night, got here about 3am. i spent saturday cleaning the house, and sunday grocery shopping. Monday, tuesday, and most of wednesday we just lazed around the house, watching old episodes of Star Trek: TNG. Today, i cooked, fed his family that came over, and now i am hiding in the office, writing on this blog, escaping people i don't know.

Its not there is anything wrong with them, dont make that assumption. They seem nice enough. I'm just a little bit overloaded. Too many new people, too small a space, too hot. Plays on all my nerves. Its also interesting that they all half know about the D/s side of our relationship, and that Pia is here (she is Master's... other girl, a pet submissive of sorts) and what she is to him. I'm trying not to cross to many lines (his or theirs or mine) and still joke and be relaxed. I wonder how much trouble i will be in when they all leave.

I've learned a couple things about this lifestyle over the last few weeks; things that now seem so obvious, but somehow i missed before. First, i now understand that love and sex and relationships and D/s do not all have to go together, and sometimes don't. And that is perfectly acceptable. I don't love M, but i had no problem turning his ass a nice shade of purple. We didn't have sex. I am not his mistress, nor will i be. Secondly, Sadism does not equal dominance, or the other way around. Nor does masochism equal submission. Those things frequently go hand and hand, but do not have to.

And i was reminded of several things i already knew. Like, love doesn't fix everything, doesn't make a relationship succeed. It is quite possible to love someone fully and completely and not be able to be with them. Also, there is a 1-10 of dominance and submission in all people, the same way that Hirschfield and Kinsey defined sexuality. Very few people are completely dominant (a 10) or completely submissive (1). This does not mean that D/s is a competition, because if you are honest with yourself and with other people, there really is no changing who you are at heart, just ways of disguising it.

Third Tradition of the House of Reason

I will be responsive to my Master. I will not hide what my mind and body are feeling so that i my assist my Master in his responsibilities as my authority. I realize that my Master is not a telepath, and will not expect my Master to know thoughts or feelings which i do not share.

I'm fairly easy to read, emotionally, with my heart always on my sleeve. I may try to hide, but for someone who knows me, these attempts are usually useless. Still, i have a tendency to say 'i'm fine' when asked what is bothering me, or to cover up pain and sickness. I often refuse to disclose my thoughts and fears, my anger or frustration, until it is either too late or everything comes out in an explosion of discontent. Not only is it hazardous to my mental and physical health to both hide and explode in rage, but it is also hazardous to relationships. I don't think that anyone really enjoys being blindsided by an emotional 2x4.
Hiding what my body is feeling can, in extreme cases, cause serious physical injury. A Dominant may scene harder than is healthy for a submissive if he doesn't know that she is suffering from a health issue. Here is an example. If you are a dominant that has not been told the medical history of the submissive you are playing with, you could be aware that she has blood sugar issues. During an intense scene, her blood sugar drops, heart rate and breathing slow and she falls unconscious. Time is wasted in panic and then 9-1-1 is called. This could have been avoided with glucose tablets, which raise blood sugar quickly. In this situation, the blame lies with both parties. The girl obviously should have communicated with the dominant she was playing with. However, i believe it just as important for the dominant to ask any potential playmates about medical issues, as for a submissive to volunteer the information. Master of Reason, for example, took note of my medical history before we ever played seriously. It keeps both of us safe.

Second Tradition of the House of Reason

"I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but may also lead to physical and emotional harm."

Of the three traditions i have learn thus far in my training, this one has been the most struggle as of late. Several times over the past couple of weeks, the lines of communication have all but shut down, and the gates of defense i have built so tall i can not see around them came crashing down, shutting me off from my new Master. Part of this comes from lack of trust, not because of anything that he has done or not done, but because of the past mistakes of others. Part of its is that i was taught that it is better not to argue, that i should just keep my mouth shut. And part of it is that i feel sometimes that what i think, feel, need, is not important enough to vocalize. This weekend for example, my hands were tied behind my back and i had to rely on someone else to feed me lunch. Master wanted me to have to ask for help. But rather than do that, i did everything in my power to feed myself- using only my mouth. I didn't want to bother anyone else because they were all eating. Fortunately for me, my subbie sister didn't need to be asked, she simple started to feed me, in between her bites. I was glad for the help, as drinking especially was an issue. Then yesterday, i was too be rewarded for good behavior, for struggling past issues and overcoming fear. The 'reward' that Master offered me, was not exactly what i would consider a reward (i guess i'm a little spoiled) and i attempted to vocalize that. I ended up feeling so bad for not excepting his intial offering that i asked to be punished. Though it was soon obvious to me that instead to reeinforcing gratitude or making me less spoiled, the punishment was slamming into me that i should not communicate what i want, that doing so just ruins everything... Though i pointed this out to Master Reason, the damage was done. He spoke to me afterward, telling me that He did want me to communicate with him, that the scene, the night, had gone badly, that that was not the lesson he was trying to enforce, that communicating with him is one of the most important things i can do as his submissive, that with communication, he risks losing me as his submissive. So i continue to struggle with this, continue to record me thoughts, to try to realize that i need to voice my opinion...