solitary

I don't do well on my own. I don't mean i need to be constantly micro-managed (though sometimes i suppose i do). I mean that when left on my own with little or no communication with my dominant or significant other, i find myself bogged down my the quiet. Silence invades my mind like a fog of dis-ease, making my heart pick up its pace, my skin grow cold, and my fingers twitch. I much prefer the sounds of a busy home. The TV or music on, a voice on the other end of the phone (or computer), sounds of life.

Master is at the bar, and Daddy has been having computer problems and now is having phone issues as well. I know that neither is trying to ignore me, just that things have gotten in the way of attentions. All very logically i understand. But that does not keep my heart from jumping in its cage and my fingers from checking the phone constantly for missed signs of affection....

Thoughts...

Thank you for all the well wishes and crossed fingers. To my thoughts the interview went well, but i am still waiting to hear back from them. It's a state job and you know what they say about government work...

There are so many thoughts swirling in my brain at the moment that it is hard to pin just one down to write about. Forgive me if this post makes no sense....

I'm a member of fetlife and have recently been disgusted by the actions of some members of the "lifestyle community." Someone, we will call him Dick, was recently publicly outed and accused of abuse. He went on LIVE tv stating that he had a sexual contract with a girl that allowed him to hit her. GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that. I happen to have experience with this individual that occurred when i was still a new submissive, and even i knew enough to stay the hell away from him. He was creepy, and attempted to control me from the beginning of our conversation. I blocked him from my yahoo messenger and moved on. My ex-girlfriend is now in a relationship with Dick, along with a few other girls.. I think he has 4 in total now. Dick, and anyone in a relationship with him, has been banned from every group in the state. OKCKINK, TULSA, TDS, OKCTNG, Dominion, TULSATNG have ALL BANNED HIM. Some of these bannings took place BEFORE his most recent arrest (the third i believe). So he and his girls started a new group. Now, i'm a member of the Board of Directors for OKCTNG. One of the other board members was approached by one of his girls (also my exgirlfriend) and asked to be allowed to post events being hosted by their group on our board. We declined. SHE DID IT ANYWAY. It was subsequently deleted and she was banned from our group. When i logged on to fet today. There were postings from the group IN EVERY OTHER GROUP I BELONG TO, except to OPPA, the one i run. SOMEONE hasn't gotten the HINT, that they aren't wanted here. They are considered dangerous and 'sketchy.' I have one report of one of his girls lying about a sustained injury just to make someone look bad. HE and ALL OF HIS GIRLS DISGUST me!

On the other side of things, i am quite excited to be moving with my Master. I am still waiting to hear back about the job i applied for, but am confident i will soon. I've been busy packing up my apartment, still need to get rid of my couch, and rent a UHAUL.

And somehow without play, i am lost in that floaty, needy, fuzzy world that comes after subspace. I feel the need to... 'crawl into him where it's safe' in mouse's words. I need to be close to him, and cannot. I need to feel him around me, inside of me, controlling me- completely and totally- and cannot... I long for him. It will only be a few days till i see him again, as we are attending a concert together friday night.

Where is my craving for pain? Where is my need to hurt, to suffer, to bruise? Why do i feel... nervous about the pain? Afraid of it even. Why?

TTWD: My submission

I've always been a masochist. Pain has just always been this huge part of my life. It was easy to accept, easy to watch the bruises and scrapes and cuts heal. The initial pain might be very intense, but it eventually fades away, leave new skin, beautiful and perfect.

When i started cutting, it was for much the same reason. I wanted to watch that beautiful perfectness form, wanted to cut away the old me, suffer the pain to hope and watch for a more perfect me, one with less pain on the inside. It turned into a habit. I started cutting because i wanted to, because it was something i could control on the outside, but before long it was an addiction, just like smoking or drinking or shopping can be for some people.

After understanding all of that about myself, it wasn't impossible for the younger me (at about 16 or so) to imagine the connections between pain and sex. I was already getting high on the adrenaline pumping through my veins, why not combine that with fucking? To me, both things felt good, so when my first boyfriend and i tried combining the two- just a little hair pulling or rough sex- i wasn't surprised to find sex more enjoyable.

Fast forward several years to when i first heard about BDSM and all this madness. I have always seen myself as 'under' anyone i have ever dated. I would fetch drinks and sit on the floor and rub feet. It was my natural state to take care of others. Of anyone else. So much so that i would cease to take care of myself. I read the pretty stories, just like everyone else. I identified with O, at least in some way. I learned that liking pain, being sexually stimulated by it was experienced by a lot of people. So many people in fact that there was a entire community built around it.

I went for some time believing that i understood what submission meant, believing that i was a submissive, or a slave. I understood the word kajira. I continued to research, continued to explore, but like most people at a young age, i, for the most part, believed that i knew it all. That while some of the technical details still escaped me, i knew what it meant to be submissive.

When met Master of Reason in October, it was half by randomness, by chance. The relationship i was in had just ended (with in hours), though i had been struggling with it for a while. I didn't understand why i was struggling, but it wasn't working. And after 9 months of not looking, He just happened to pop onto collarme.com and see my profile. We started chatting, had our first date, and things have spiraled from there.

What he has taught me along the way is that almost everything i thought i knew about submission, i didn't. I didn't really know anything at all. And i was controlled by fear so much that there was no way anyone else could truly own me.What i had been struggling with was the need for a deeper relationship, a need to really give everything over. And what i have learned on my own is that submission comes from the heart. It really is a gift to be given, as taking it from someone, forcing it, taints the beauty of it.

So this brings us back to present day. I've worked to earn this collar. I've had to let go of my fear, to let go of my past, to let go of my anger.

This weekend taught me that i have to let go of my control, too. That when it really comes down to it, with him, i am helpless. I have no control. Not since i gave myself to him. Sure, i can beg and plead, and if absolutely necessary i can use my safe word or leave. But in the realm of our relationship, he owns me, he controls me.

He also protects me, even from myself at times. He cherishes me. I am His three-holed slut, His fuck-toy, His whore. I wash his dishes, fetch his drinks, fetch his inhaler. When i am lucky, i shower him, sleep next to him. I am whatever he needs me to be. I am his cherished submissive, his puppy dog. He can be mean, almost cruel even. But He is also sweet and gentle and loving and protective. He listens when my days are shitty, and helps me to center myself.

I am whatever he requires. I always try to keep Him in mind in my decisions. I am His.

TTWD: What is submission?

What is submission? It's a word i hear used a lot in the community. It sparks a lot of debate. Consent, whether than consent can be removed. If you can ever give yourself to someone so fully that you have no choices left, not even the choice to leave.

My six month training collar is up in June, and as the date approaches, as i think more about TTWD, i find myself questioning myself, my submission, submission as a whole. I am searching for answers any place i know to look. Myself, my Master, forums and boards, and you, my readers.

What is submission to you?

Does it come with restrictions on your dominant and the things that He/she can have you do?

Do you still have a level of consent, of choice (forget what the law says, i want to know how you feel)?

Is your submission 24/7?

Direction

My life often feels like it is free flowing without much direction. i don't mean this in reference to Master or D/s, but my career path, my sense of goals and accomplishments. What i want to do. I have a hard time settling on a hobby, often bouncing around from one thing to another. Picking a career field has been even more difficult. You see, all my life, the only thing i ever really wanted to do was to be a mother. The 1950s PTA mom. I'm very maternal with friends and even my employees. When i met Master, who didn't want children so much he got snipped (and burned), that path changed. But instead of the clear cut path i could see so well, the new road in my life was blurred or blinding, i stumbled along without much of a clue.

We recently have gotten into some serious conversations about children, and whether or not my desire to have them was so strong that i would tear me away from him. At first, it was easy to say "i love you more than that." I didn't understand all the frustration and 'lost'ness i was feeling was because i lost what i knew to be my path in life. It has brought me to tears on more than one occasion.

Master wants to travel, to see the states, the world. A bike trip to the Falls, a cruise to Mexico. Hard to do that with a child. I understand his wants. It appeals to the gypsy part of me, the part that always craves change.

Today my horoscope suggested flexibility and compromise. What career could i choose that would allowed for both sides of desire? Children and Mexico. Love of my life, fulfilling my instincts.

Teaching. I'd toyed with the idea multiple times. Elementary school. Grades 1st through 3rd or 4th? Just old enough to really comprehend and focus, not so old that collages and Halloween parties are cliche. I hate high schoolers. I didn't like them when i was one. And day care has way to many politics. Plus, teaching, you get out for spring break, Christmas, and summer vacation, giving us plenty of time to travel. It seems like a good compromise.

Cutting

It was not that long ago that i was prone to self-injury. Mostly cutting, sometimes slamming my head against a wall so hard i would get dizzy or black out. I never really matured emotionally. Anything and everything could set me off, and a hour later, i was fine. The initial catalyst seemed small and insignificant.

Every Master i have had since entering in to this lifestyle has made me promise pretty much the same thing- that i would not injure myself on purpose, as i was Theirs to guide and protect, considered property, i could not seem to argue. I wouldn't key my Master's car. So i shouldn't cut on this body, considered his.

Still, as is the case with most addictions, the thought of self injury is never far from my mind. When my stress level rises, it is the first thing that i involuntarily think of. I chase the thoughts away like mice, beating them with the broom of my submissive promise. Mind you, this is not something i speak of to most people, even to my Master. It is hard for most people to understand, to not panic and try to commit me. I speak of it now, here, because it is rotting the core of my being to keep it inside. I push the words out to expose the demon poking at my soul so that i may learn his weaknesses and expel him from my being permanently rather than quieting him moments at a time.

When i drive myself home late at night, i picture jerking my car to the left, flipping it into the ditch next to highway, hopefully snapping my neck in the process. I don't do it for two main reasons. The first, and most important, is partially what i have already spoken of- i belong to my Master and would not destroy his property, would not seek to hurt him in such a way. Nor do i desire to hurt my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friends (like Sir). Secondly- and mostly as a after thought- i am afraid of my failure in this. What if i just wreck my car? Or if i hurt myself but do not die? If i were to ever do such an act, i would want to do it completely, not half way, stuck to live with the consequences of failed actions.

Being so prone to this method of emotion expulsion (because it is just another means of emotional relief- like smoking or drinking- just considered more taboo because it is looked down upon by society), i sometimes find it awkward to be in this lifestyle. I am turned on by the pain, when cause by my beloved Master. It makes me drip with excitement, where my self inflicted injury does not. It is, however, another way to relieve the emotional pressure that builds inside of me, threatening to explode, though i have found it is not needed as often. It lulls the demon to sleep, for a longer period of time than my self-inflicted masochism ever did. However, i often wonder if i have traded in one habit for another. Now the pain is not always my choice, nor is it always soothing in the way that i had come to expect things to be, sometimes i suffer simply to please him. Because i know he enjoys my pain, enjoys the way i whimper, the way i scream.

Maybe it is that the original self injury lead to the brain chemical addiction. Maybe it is not now that i need the pain, but that i crave the floating chemicals the pain produces. I remember years ago, cutting myself, and floating away as i watched the blood flow. I assumed then it was a result of giving into the feeling, of knowing i was still alive through the pain, but perhaps it is what i feel now, that chemical compound soothing my ache and upping my serotonin level.

Here again i am rambling, when perhaps silence would be better. It seems i cannot help myself, and will publish this anyway, laying myself naked, open, and vulnerable to the view of strangers who will judge, condemn, or pity....

Silence

I talk to much. i'm not great with secrets. Sometimes i open my mouth and out comes all this garbage, like mind vomit. As a little kid, i used to tell everyone what they got for Christmas if i knew. Come to think of it, i still kinda do that...
Yesterday, i bragged about a maybe promotion in the works, now i might not get it. I told one person on campus, someone i thought i could trust (cause i said not to say anything) and now everyone know, and my boss got mad, and i might lose it.
Recently there were things said to me (that had a lot of nothing to do with me) and i wasn't told to keep quiet, but i said those things to the person they were said about (still following) because i partially thought they deserved to know. In the process of telling said person what was said about them i specifically told them NOT to bring me into it. That while i wasn't entirely sure i was breaking confidences, i didn't want to get dragged into the mess. Of course said person disregarded what i said completely, breaking trusts and bonds.
Maybe this blog is just another example of me talking to much. And yet, somehow, in my relationship, i don't communicate. Ever feel like you can't win for losing? I know its about when i communicate, how and with whom, but i just want to tape my mouth shut... Or gag it.. even at work. Should i become the type of person, the type of submissive, that doesn't speak unless spoken to? That reserves all thoughts and opinions until prompted? I have occasionally thought so before, but i am so... talkative on a general basis, that it never sticks. I guess i have not had the self discipline.

Truth

Master, as much as any other man, can be quite... frustrating. Maybe more so then regular vanilla men, because in my perspective, so much of my lively hood depends on him. Not in a i can't breathe without you sort of way, or the i literally can't make even one decision without consulting you sort of way (though i'm sure it feels that way to him sometimes), but in a i look to him for guidance and he controls most of my life sort of way.

I read lots of blogs that are more like porn. Addicting (i've read most of them for months), but lacking real substance. They talk alot about spankings and sex and fantasies. About masturbation. Few ever really get into the grit of being a submissive. The times when you just want to bite your Master's head off, tell him to get it his damned self, or need, really need, to be put first. What about when you, as a submissive, need a back rub or would like sex to focus on your pleasure? Don't give me this bullshit answer that it NEVER happens, that a good submissive lives for pleasing the Dominant, that you get all you could ever ever need just from pleasing him. I don't buy it. If it is the case that i am the only one to struggle with my submission, that i occasionally want to be put first, to have my needs met, then maybe i should rethink my chosen lifepath. But i doubt it.

I think that everyone struggles, but most of us are too afraid to admit it. We all read the same perfect porn blogs, that never face the upsets, never face the punishments or trials. You don't read on someones blog how they lost their temper and yelled at Master. Because to do so would admit weakness, fallibility. A blemish on the face of the perfect slave. I will no longer hide in such a way.

I'm not perfect, i'm no where close. And i often lose my temper, my head, my faith, and my ability to function as, or even imagine the existence of, a perfect submissive version of myself. I say things that don't make sense to me a hour or two later. I can be mean, vicious even. I don't always get everything that i need by pleasing my master. I fail. I struggle. I stumble. I get dirty and cry. I can feel like an attention starved brat. I have the emotional mood swings of a hormonal teenager.

The important thing is that i keep going. I don't let anyone piece of trash stop me from running, walking, crawling even to my destination of being the best that i can be for him. And i am lucky enough that i have a wise and tough master willing to pick my ass up when i fall.

Fifth Tradtion of the House of Reason

"I will not try to manipulate my master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. In other words, I will not top from the bottom."

Manipulation is a way of life. Its using something to get what you want. Sex, emotion, etc. Flirting is manipulation, so is intimidation. I used to be very used to using sex to get my way. Men pretty much always want sex and are used to doing, saying just about anything to get it. Master refused to sleep with me when we started dating. He took control of that from the begining. It was a smart move.
I admit I am still guilty of this from time to time, mostly unintentionally. I have yet to gain the ability to ask for something that I desire without manipulation. I am still childish in many ways, prone to outbursts and emotional breakdowns. On some level, I suppose these outburst and breakdowns are another form of manipulation, however unintentional. I am no where near the perfect submissive, and I understand that I have much more to learn and much further to grow before i am worth of accepting a collar for life from my Master.

Third Tradition of the House of Reason

I will be responsive to my Master. I will not hide what my mind and body are feeling so that i my assist my Master in his responsibilities as my authority. I realize that my Master is not a telepath, and will not expect my Master to know thoughts or feelings which i do not share.

I'm fairly easy to read, emotionally, with my heart always on my sleeve. I may try to hide, but for someone who knows me, these attempts are usually useless. Still, i have a tendency to say 'i'm fine' when asked what is bothering me, or to cover up pain and sickness. I often refuse to disclose my thoughts and fears, my anger or frustration, until it is either too late or everything comes out in an explosion of discontent. Not only is it hazardous to my mental and physical health to both hide and explode in rage, but it is also hazardous to relationships. I don't think that anyone really enjoys being blindsided by an emotional 2x4.
Hiding what my body is feeling can, in extreme cases, cause serious physical injury. A Dominant may scene harder than is healthy for a submissive if he doesn't know that she is suffering from a health issue. Here is an example. If you are a dominant that has not been told the medical history of the submissive you are playing with, you could be aware that she has blood sugar issues. During an intense scene, her blood sugar drops, heart rate and breathing slow and she falls unconscious. Time is wasted in panic and then 9-1-1 is called. This could have been avoided with glucose tablets, which raise blood sugar quickly. In this situation, the blame lies with both parties. The girl obviously should have communicated with the dominant she was playing with. However, i believe it just as important for the dominant to ask any potential playmates about medical issues, as for a submissive to volunteer the information. Master of Reason, for example, took note of my medical history before we ever played seriously. It keeps both of us safe.

Second Tradition of the House of Reason

"I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but may also lead to physical and emotional harm."

Of the three traditions i have learn thus far in my training, this one has been the most struggle as of late. Several times over the past couple of weeks, the lines of communication have all but shut down, and the gates of defense i have built so tall i can not see around them came crashing down, shutting me off from my new Master. Part of this comes from lack of trust, not because of anything that he has done or not done, but because of the past mistakes of others. Part of its is that i was taught that it is better not to argue, that i should just keep my mouth shut. And part of it is that i feel sometimes that what i think, feel, need, is not important enough to vocalize. This weekend for example, my hands were tied behind my back and i had to rely on someone else to feed me lunch. Master wanted me to have to ask for help. But rather than do that, i did everything in my power to feed myself- using only my mouth. I didn't want to bother anyone else because they were all eating. Fortunately for me, my subbie sister didn't need to be asked, she simple started to feed me, in between her bites. I was glad for the help, as drinking especially was an issue. Then yesterday, i was too be rewarded for good behavior, for struggling past issues and overcoming fear. The 'reward' that Master offered me, was not exactly what i would consider a reward (i guess i'm a little spoiled) and i attempted to vocalize that. I ended up feeling so bad for not excepting his intial offering that i asked to be punished. Though it was soon obvious to me that instead to reeinforcing gratitude or making me less spoiled, the punishment was slamming into me that i should not communicate what i want, that doing so just ruins everything... Though i pointed this out to Master Reason, the damage was done. He spoke to me afterward, telling me that He did want me to communicate with him, that the scene, the night, had gone badly, that that was not the lesson he was trying to enforce, that communicating with him is one of the most important things i can do as his submissive, that with communication, he risks losing me as his submissive. So i continue to struggle with this, continue to record me thoughts, to try to realize that i need to voice my opinion...

a new submissive

It hasn't been as long as i expect to go without posting to this blog. But as i am struggling to learn balance to my life, and not panic about smaller things, i realized that posting to my blog helped me cope with a few things, and that others read my blog to gain insight into the submissive mind. The Eleventh Tradition in the House of Reason states this:
"I will be courteous to my fellow submissive. I will share my knowledge and experience with others, in the hope that, they will learn and benefit from where I have been. I will take time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path. For when anyone honestly seeks instruction I want the hand of our community to be there, and for that I know I am responsible."
By stopping my blog, i was going against this tradition, i was holding things in my mind that could possibly help others, which was the opposite of my intention. So here i will start again. i plan to post at least once a week, more as my schedule allows, so that i may assist others in the journey of submission and Dominance.

Out of the frying pan...

Master W released me yesterday, though not out of displeasure or lack of love for me. He realized what some people have known all along, that He and i both suffered, keeping secrets, lying, and being apart so often. It wore Uus both down after a while. He will always be a part of my life that i love, i couldn't hate Him or forget Him if i tried. But it is one section of my story that has come to a close, and i am ready for new doors to open. i was completely closed off to new people in my life because i did not want my relation with W to suffer. i look to the future with a tear stained face, but also with hope and determination. i am still a slave, still a submissive, and that will never change.

xoxoxo
kslave

the Math of my Death

i have a kinds of bad, long ranging habit of thinking about mortality. Mine and everyone else's. i was in the bath tub last night and my brain went fuzzy, the start of the bipolar crash for me. i thought about how long it would take someone to figure out i had drown in the bath. Master talks to me most frequently of course, but doesn't have the phone number for anyone. He could email Miss L and Sir, after trying to call me. Okay.. Lets say i get in the bath at 7pm (as i did last night). i'm tired and the hot water is soothing, relaxing, plus in causes my blood pressure to lower. i fall asleep and drown, well say by 745pm. Master and i don't chat until 9 or 930. We'll say 9 cause that is what it was last night. Thats an hour and fifteen minutes. He waits until 910 to call me. i don't answer. He calls again and again until 930. At 930, He is worried enough that He emails Miss L, and She's there. She tries calling me as She drives down too. Lets assume that She leaves right away, doing 70-80 miles an hour the whole way here. If she doesn't get pulled over, She makes it here by 10. 2 hours and 15 minutes after my death. But no one has a key. They have two choices, break down the door or call the police and wait for them to break down the door. They take choice B. The police show, kick in my door, find me asleep in my bathtub, 3 hours after my death. This is the faster of two situations, the other being that Miss L doesn't get an email until the next day. If it was not for Master, it could be several days before i am discovered dead.

And if Master dies, suddenly, for whatever reason, how long until i know. No one close knows about me, no one would call. It would take, i believe, me calling His cell phone, and someone close by paying enough attention to answer it, assuming that it wasn't destroyed in whatever killed Him. And i would be finding out from His wife, and would recieve no comfort, to this situation that might kill me. Its scary.....

Weekend

Master, Sir, and Miss L. Boy am i a busy girl... Sir was my first Dom. Miss L is His girlfriend. And Master is.. well.. Master. Miss L was at one point Sir's submissive, but do to a multitude of reasons, that is not exactly possible at the moment. So They asked me into Their relationship, in a way. Sir needed someone to beat on. At the beginning of the weekend, Friday night, that was the intention. Solely for Brent to be able to beat on me, really nothing more. i didn't come home until Sunday. It was a wonderful weekend, and i felt more safe and secure than i have for a long time, save when i am with Master. There was a lot of discussion about limits and boundaries and what W/we all wanted. A nice time spent at the lake. W/we watched the Lost Boys. And then... Well, things happened that weren't planned and that i want to keep to myself... Miss L and i spent some good time bonding on Saturday while Sir was at work, having lunch and looking at clothes. i'm Her new barbie doll. She doesn't approve of the way i dress. W/we went to a play party on Saturday night and Sir and i did my first public scene, but had to stop short cause it was in a hotel room and i was a bit loud. Can't really help it when some one is smacking clothespins off Your body with a riding crop. W/we were all exhausted by the end of the weekend, but a good time was had by all.

explanation

i have two things physically connecting me to my Master: my pretty collar with His heart on it, and 'Master's slave' written on my mound above His pussy. i cannot wear cuffs or corset. His t-shirt that i have come addicted to snuggling with at night as i lay down to sleep is at home on my bed, along with my paci. And i have been struggling lately as it is, after the horrible night last week.
i listened to a person i shouldn't have, when He claimed to be a good person and a good Dom. we had talked about my relationship with Master, and how hard it is for me sometimes. i failed in my strength to my Master, doubted everything W/we had been working so hard for. i collapsed, and Master was not up to defending U/us to this slave. He released me from my collar. The searing pain was automatic. i felt like i was being torn apart from the inside out. And with in two hours i was begging for it back, begging for Him back, to know my place once again. i felt so lost that night as He told me to sleep without my collar on, with no journal entry, and picking out my own panties for the next day. i was not His slave that night, and i felt empty. i went to work and left early, laying on my couch wallowing in my own misery waiting for His call. It did come, and long story short, obviously, i am His slave again. But i think W/we have learned vaulable lessons. Master learned to be more strict with me, i think, that it is perfectly okay to tell me to sit down and shut up even if i am stressing... That a simple 'slave' can calm me down. And i learned even more to trust in my relationship with Him, that He is keeping me safe, and that anyone who tells me otherwise can fuck off.
But i feel very disconnected from my Master even though He tells me i am serving Him by helping my sister, and helping her with her baby. i miss Him terribly. i love You, Sir.

Punishments and piss slut

A weekend full of punishments finally ending today. Stemmed from my lack of trust in others, even in my Master. And of course the new Professor. Trust is a scary new thing and my doubt has a tendency to swat at it like a fly. So friday, even though i had a friend over, i had to stand in the corner for 30 min and think on what i had done, then sleep neck to ankle in clothing, which is not very comfortable for me. And then the Professor didn't talk to me all weekend. That was the hardest. i drove myself crazy thinking about Him and checking my mail every half an hour. Did i mention patience is not my strongest trait? And the finally, the Professor called me this morning and came by. W/we chatted for a bit on things that had happened and the weekend and punishment and atonement. To me, punishment is knowing that i disappointed my Master or Sir and atonement is whatever They think up to torture me after. In this case... The Professor peed on me. :( i'm not really into watersports and He knew that, but it is something He likes and i thinking was testing my submission to Him. i didn't argue, so afraid i was of being cast out of favor once again. He was kind and gentle and didn't make me sit for long afterward, but it was somewhat humilating. And i think that was the point. But things are right again in this little sub's world.

Trust

Trust is such a fragile thing.
Like a piece of glass, or ice
Or a sugar crystal.
It takes time to build.
And can be shattered
in one small breath of a moment.
Once broken, it is true,
That it is possible to rebuild.
But like the glass glued together
It has weak points
It is never really the same.
And sometimes, you lose
little pieces, lost forever
in the carpet of the past.

sleepless

Third night in a row that i haven't been able to sleep. It's not that i'm not tired, but part of me can't seem to settle. Add that to my back/neck/shoulders hurting and i toss and turn and am still awake way past my bed time. my heart is thumping like a little caged animal. my brain won't shut up. It bugs me that He hasn't written me back. Maybe He doesn't see a response as necessary, maybe whatever i said disgusted Him. Maybe He decided i was too much drama. i just hate not knowing.

alone

Master is leaving for the weekend this afternoon. He will be gone until Sunday night. It is the first time since i became His submissive that W/we will not be able to chat at night. He will be on a trip to a place with no cell phone service. i'm not sure what to do without Him. i'm scared. i know that He is doing His best to prepare assignments for me for the weekend, something which W/we have been wanting to do for a while. i'm that overthinker kind of a sub and without something to occupy my mind, it wanders to horrible places and i am an emotional mess afterward. For months now, Master has been the thing to keep me stable, to help me to have balance in my emotions. He has kept me from long mood swings and spirals downward. He has helped me to manage my temper. i know that He has confidence in me to make it through the weekend, and i believe that i will because of His belief in me. i honestly dont remember what not being His slave feels like, mostly because i think i want to forget being alone....