Master, as much as any other man, can be quite... frustrating. Maybe more so then regular vanilla men, because in my perspective, so much of my lively hood depends on him. Not in a i can't breathe without you sort of way, or the i literally can't make even one decision without consulting you sort of way (though i'm sure it feels that way to him sometimes), but in a i look to him for guidance and he controls most of my life sort of way.
I read lots of blogs that are more like porn. Addicting (i've read most of them for months), but lacking real substance. They talk alot about spankings and sex and fantasies. About masturbation. Few ever really get into the grit of being a submissive. The times when you just want to bite your Master's head off, tell him to get it his damned self, or need, really need, to be put first. What about when you, as a submissive, need a back rub or would like sex to focus on your pleasure? Don't give me this bullshit answer that it NEVER happens, that a good submissive lives for pleasing the Dominant, that you get all you could ever ever need just from pleasing him. I don't buy it. If it is the case that i am the only one to struggle with my submission, that i occasionally want to be put first, to have my needs met, then maybe i should rethink my chosen lifepath. But i doubt it.
I think that everyone struggles, but most of us are too afraid to admit it. We all read the same perfect porn blogs, that never face the upsets, never face the punishments or trials. You don't read on someones blog how they lost their temper and yelled at Master. Because to do so would admit weakness, fallibility. A blemish on the face of the perfect slave. I will no longer hide in such a way.
I'm not perfect, i'm no where close. And i often lose my temper, my head, my faith, and my ability to function as, or even imagine the existence of, a perfect submissive version of myself. I say things that don't make sense to me a hour or two later. I can be mean, vicious even. I don't always get everything that i need by pleasing my master. I fail. I struggle. I stumble. I get dirty and cry. I can feel like an attention starved brat. I have the emotional mood swings of a hormonal teenager.
The important thing is that i keep going. I don't let anyone piece of trash stop me from running, walking, crawling even to my destination of being the best that i can be for him. And i am lucky enough that i have a wise and tough master willing to pick my ass up when i fall.
Adult Content
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Showing posts with label failing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failing. Show all posts
Monday, September 28, 2009
Second Tradition of the House of Reason
"I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but may also lead to physical and emotional harm."
Of the three traditions i have learn thus far in my training, this one has been the most struggle as of late. Several times over the past couple of weeks, the lines of communication have all but shut down, and the gates of defense i have built so tall i can not see around them came crashing down, shutting me off from my new Master. Part of this comes from lack of trust, not because of anything that he has done or not done, but because of the past mistakes of others. Part of its is that i was taught that it is better not to argue, that i should just keep my mouth shut. And part of it is that i feel sometimes that what i think, feel, need, is not important enough to vocalize. This weekend for example, my hands were tied behind my back and i had to rely on someone else to feed me lunch. Master wanted me to have to ask for help. But rather than do that, i did everything in my power to feed myself- using only my mouth. I didn't want to bother anyone else because they were all eating. Fortunately for me, my subbie sister didn't need to be asked, she simple started to feed me, in between her bites. I was glad for the help, as drinking especially was an issue. Then yesterday, i was too be rewarded for good behavior, for struggling past issues and overcoming fear. The 'reward' that Master offered me, was not exactly what i would consider a reward (i guess i'm a little spoiled) and i attempted to vocalize that. I ended up feeling so bad for not excepting his intial offering that i asked to be punished. Though it was soon obvious to me that instead to reeinforcing gratitude or making me less spoiled, the punishment was slamming into me that i should not communicate what i want, that doing so just ruins everything... Though i pointed this out to Master Reason, the damage was done. He spoke to me afterward, telling me that He did want me to communicate with him, that the scene, the night, had gone badly, that that was not the lesson he was trying to enforce, that communicating with him is one of the most important things i can do as his submissive, that with communication, he risks losing me as his submissive. So i continue to struggle with this, continue to record me thoughts, to try to realize that i need to voice my opinion...
Of the three traditions i have learn thus far in my training, this one has been the most struggle as of late. Several times over the past couple of weeks, the lines of communication have all but shut down, and the gates of defense i have built so tall i can not see around them came crashing down, shutting me off from my new Master. Part of this comes from lack of trust, not because of anything that he has done or not done, but because of the past mistakes of others. Part of its is that i was taught that it is better not to argue, that i should just keep my mouth shut. And part of it is that i feel sometimes that what i think, feel, need, is not important enough to vocalize. This weekend for example, my hands were tied behind my back and i had to rely on someone else to feed me lunch. Master wanted me to have to ask for help. But rather than do that, i did everything in my power to feed myself- using only my mouth. I didn't want to bother anyone else because they were all eating. Fortunately for me, my subbie sister didn't need to be asked, she simple started to feed me, in between her bites. I was glad for the help, as drinking especially was an issue. Then yesterday, i was too be rewarded for good behavior, for struggling past issues and overcoming fear. The 'reward' that Master offered me, was not exactly what i would consider a reward (i guess i'm a little spoiled) and i attempted to vocalize that. I ended up feeling so bad for not excepting his intial offering that i asked to be punished. Though it was soon obvious to me that instead to reeinforcing gratitude or making me less spoiled, the punishment was slamming into me that i should not communicate what i want, that doing so just ruins everything... Though i pointed this out to Master Reason, the damage was done. He spoke to me afterward, telling me that He did want me to communicate with him, that the scene, the night, had gone badly, that that was not the lesson he was trying to enforce, that communicating with him is one of the most important things i can do as his submissive, that with communication, he risks losing me as his submissive. So i continue to struggle with this, continue to record me thoughts, to try to realize that i need to voice my opinion...
Labels:
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Monday, June 22, 2009
Punishments and piss slut
A weekend full of punishments finally ending today. Stemmed from my lack of trust in others, even in my Master. And of course the new Professor. Trust is a scary new thing and my doubt has a tendency to swat at it like a fly. So friday, even though i had a friend over, i had to stand in the corner for 30 min and think on what i had done, then sleep neck to ankle in clothing, which is not very comfortable for me. And then the Professor didn't talk to me all weekend. That was the hardest. i drove myself crazy thinking about Him and checking my mail every half an hour. Did i mention patience is not my strongest trait? And the finally, the Professor called me this morning and came by. W/we chatted for a bit on things that had happened and the weekend and punishment and atonement. To me, punishment is knowing that i disappointed my Master or Sir and atonement is whatever They think up to torture me after. In this case... The Professor peed on me. :( i'm not really into watersports and He knew that, but it is something He likes and i thinking was testing my submission to Him. i didn't argue, so afraid i was of being cast out of favor once again. He was kind and gentle and didn't make me sit for long afterward, but it was somewhat humilating. And i think that was the point. But things are right again in this little sub's world.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A struggling afternoon
Today presented me with a challenge, completely unexpected, and for the most part, unforeseeable. i was cleaning my apartment in anticipation of Master's arrival next weekend (5.5 days to go *giggles*) and that lead me to emptying out my old makeup bag and throwing things away. i like to be thorough. Anyway, so i empty out on the floor and in the bottom of the bag, and therefore on top of the pile, is my razor blade. The one i used when i was out (hence in the makeup bag). i panicked, freaked. i wanted to use it. Habit, i guess... Something clicked in me that made me realize that there was no REASON for me to want it. i was in a good mood, feeling just fine. And feeling something, not being numb. So it was stupid. Yet i couldnt move myself to throw it away.
i called Master. It was lucky that He was available to answer His phone. This is a moment i can truly say that i dont know what would have happened if i wasnt able to speak with Him. i told the truth. Told Him what i was feeling, that i couldnt do it. But, with His command, i could. and did. It took a little convincing, something in me didnt want let that go. But Master gave me no choice. And now its in the dumpster. It left me with that after scene feeling, the subdrop feeling... I curled up on my slave space as i have begun to think about it, and let my heart come back down from my throat to my chest. i remembered how to breathe...
Thank You Master...
i called Master. It was lucky that He was available to answer His phone. This is a moment i can truly say that i dont know what would have happened if i wasnt able to speak with Him. i told the truth. Told Him what i was feeling, that i couldnt do it. But, with His command, i could. and did. It took a little convincing, something in me didnt want let that go. But Master gave me no choice. And now its in the dumpster. It left me with that after scene feeling, the subdrop feeling... I curled up on my slave space as i have begun to think about it, and let my heart come back down from my throat to my chest. i remembered how to breathe...
Thank You Master...
Labels:
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Sunday, May 10, 2009
The bad weekend
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:40:42 PM): *sigh*
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:42:24 PM): confession before W/we speak tonight... i didnt wear it (my buttplug) at all today, its annoying, always sliding out and today i just didnt want to deal with it. i also havent been playing today. i'm not really in a sexual mood and its more annoying than anything... i'm sorry Sir... but i feel so alone and so out of touch today, all i want to do is scream or sleep
Sir (4/11/2009 8:56:16 PM): hello
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:56:31 PM): hello Sir :(
Sir (4/11/2009 8:56:54 PM): yes...im disappointed
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:57:14 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 8:57:34 PM): thank you for telling me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:57:51 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:08 PM): I am sorry you feel alone
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:58:21 PM): it happens
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:41 PM): yes...you are correct
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:54 PM): it doesnt make you feel any better
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:58:59 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:59:12 PM): bu that doesnt excuse my behavior or attitude
Sir (4/11/2009 8:59:23 PM): you are correct
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:59:44 PM): i just wish i felt something
Sir (4/11/2009 8:59:55 PM): what do you mean?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:04 PM): i mean i'm numb
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:09 PM): i dont feel anything...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:22 PM): i dont feel my submission, i dont feel sad, i dont feel happy
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:31 PM): i just dont feel
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:48 PM): im used to cutting when i feel this way
Sir (4/11/2009 9:00:59 PM): Im sorry you feel that way...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:01:06 PM): no cutting
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:01:12 PM): no Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:02:06 PM): why do you feel this way? is it something I have done?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:03:11 PM): no it is nothing You have done Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:21 PM): then what?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:03:32 PM): i dont know
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:45 PM): thats not an answer...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:53 PM): something
Sir (4/11/2009 9:04:16 PM): what is bothering you?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:04:56 PM): http://hislittlekitten.blogspot.com/2008/03/fight.html
Sir (4/11/2009 9:07:14 PM): ok..
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:30 PM): i want that
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:48 PM): i want... i want rough
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:51 PM): i want force
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:58 PM): i want attention, whether good or bad
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:02 PM): i want pain
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:10 PM): i want to hurt, i feel i deserve
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:11 PM): it
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:22 PM): another good blog, i feel her way of thinking
Sir (4/11/2009 9:11:41 PM): I understand
Sir (4/11/2009 9:13:47 PM): I will have to read thru her blog
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:00 PM): I know you want and need the attention
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:08 PM): its good, i wanna feel like that sometimes
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:12 PM): and I wish I could give you more
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:15 PM): her blog i mean
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:20 PM): Your busy, Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:24 PM): i understand
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:42 PM): yes I am busy..and I give you all I can
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:47 PM): i know Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:49 PM): is it enough for you?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:15:23 PM): ... i know that it will not be in the long run
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:15:43 PM): but for now...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:16:10 PM): it works, i guess, enough that i am not willing to give it up for something i dont think exists.
Sir (4/11/2009 9:17:00 PM): ok...but I want to know why you chose to disobey an order that I gave you
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:17:20 PM): which one?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:17:42 PM): all of them
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:18:20 PM): i have no good reason... i'm annoyed with the plug, it keeps slipping out, its uncomfortable
Sir (4/11/2009 9:18:44 PM): not everything I tell you will be comfortable
Sir (4/11/2009 9:18:53 PM): but I told you to wear it
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:18:58 PM): and i attempted to play... it didnt even feel the least bit good
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:19:10 PM): it was... iratating at best
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:01 PM): and the more i tried, the more angry i felt, untill that was all i felt, and that has died away, it has left nothing, like a fire searing the landscape
Sir (4/11/2009 9:20:12 PM): so the thought that you playing is pleasing to me didnt enter you thoughts?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:14 PM): i dont feel submissive, i dont feel sexual
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:20 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:25 PM): i'm sorry Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:21:43 PM): hmmm
Sir (4/11/2009 9:21:48 PM): not sure what to say
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:22:40 PM): that i am a horrible horrible sub and dont deserve Your attention, much less affection.. and that You wont be seeing me this friday even if i beg?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:22:58 PM): no..i will still be there on fri
Sir (4/11/2009 9:23:11 PM): unless you are hoping that I wont come
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:23:33 PM): very much the opposite, im terrified that You wont show
Sir (4/11/2009 9:23:50 PM): i told you I would be there
Sir (4/11/2009 9:24:45 PM): do you not believe me? I have been honest with you
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:25:37 PM): i guess i believe You... but... i think some of my trust has been lost
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:25:46 PM): i think that is part of why i feel this way
Sir (4/11/2009 9:25:55 PM): why?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:01 PM): i dont trust You to stay around
Sir (4/11/2009 9:26:30 PM): have I done anythign to make you think that?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:40 PM): yes Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:48 PM): or rather, W/we did
Sir (4/11/2009 9:27:03 PM): when we split
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:27:09 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:27:36 PM): I had put that behind me....I guess you have been over thinking again
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:27:46 PM): always Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:02 PM): and i guess in a way
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:17 PM): i am testing my limitations, my boundaries with You...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:39 PM): seeing how much You will let me get away with, wondering how much i can push before You walk away
Sir (4/11/2009 9:28:56 PM): that kinda what I was thinking
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:29:13 PM): do i get points for admiting it?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:29:21 PM): nope
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:29:44 PM): didnt think so
Sir (4/11/2009 9:39:55 PM): ok..so you are wanting to see if you push hard enough and see if I run
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:40:13 PM): i guess
Sir (4/11/2009 9:40:21 PM): i wont
Sir (4/11/2009 9:41:11 PM): unless you ask me to leave
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:41:18 PM): i dont want that
Sir (4/11/2009 9:42:10 PM): i understand your pushing..in fact, i was wondering when it would start and thought it might be this weekend
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:42:27 PM): why did You think that?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:42:56 PM): because all week you were excited..we talked and chatted..everything was good...but I was seeing hints
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:43:25 PM): like what Sir?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:38 PM): and I figured that once you had a whole day (almost) where you couldnt talk to me, you would start to think
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:53 PM): and wonder
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:56 PM): and push
Sir (4/11/2009 9:44:08 PM): and try to see if I would punish you
Sir (4/11/2009 9:44:31 PM): you have been burned..and you want me but you dont want me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:44:44 PM): i dont want You?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:06 PM): you expect me to run off lilke others may have
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:19 PM): but that is trying to top from the bottom
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:25 PM): you are the sub
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:31 PM): I am your Master
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:45:47 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:46:12 PM): I expect you to feel this way until we meet
Sir (4/11/2009 9:46:18 PM): off and on
Sir (4/11/2009 9:47:13 PM): from what you know of me...do you think I would drop you just becuase you ignore my commands and push back?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:47:23 PM): waht kind of Dom does that make me?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:36 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:48 PM): that would mean that You are not a real Dom, but that is the point anyway
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:51 PM): isnt it?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:48:25 PM): to be proven to that my faith in You was useless and that You were never worth it, that i was stupid for trusting You
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:49:03 PM): it never crosses my mind that it is You to blame for lying to me, it is always my fault for not seeing it
Sir (4/11/2009 9:50:01 PM): have I lied?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:14 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:30 PM): that was hypothetical, based on previous experience
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:42 PM): not actually You Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:50:47 PM): ok...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:51:25 PM): my question to you is this...are we going to have to go back thru this every weekend?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:33 PM): its what i am terrified of
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:42 PM): i dont know
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:53 PM): did W/we do this last weekend?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:52:17 PM): pretty close
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:52:36 PM): i'm sorry Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:53:04 PM): no prob...i know it comes from having free time to think
Sir (4/11/2009 9:53:17 PM): maybe I need to have you doing things that keep you busy
Sir (4/11/2009 9:54:15 PM): sigh
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:54:32 PM): yeah
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:54:51 PM): and i now i sit and wonder and wait
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:55:02 PM): when i am going to be 'to much to deal with'
Sir (4/11/2009 9:55:32 PM): i dont know...I was hoping we could enjoy what we have
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:56:41 PM): yeah but i'm emotional and clingy and U/us not doing this anymore would really just be in my best interest because i need to find a Dom that can meet my needs and You tryint to do this is just exhausting for You
Sir (4/11/2009 9:57:20 PM): sigh....last week all over again
Sir (4/11/2009 9:57:46 PM): i dont know
Sir (4/11/2009 9:58:04 PM): i would like to see...I like having you as my sub
Sir (4/11/2009 9:58:25 PM): but if you dont want me as a Dom, then you are correct...it wont work
Sir (4/11/2009 9:59:24 PM): I dont know what to do here
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:00:33 PM): why in the HELL WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT i DONT WANT YOU AS MY DOM???? MY ONLY PROBLEM THAT THIS POINT IS THAT YOU CANT BE AS MUCH OF A DOM AS YOU AND i WOULD BOTH LIKE YOU TO BE AND YOU KNOW IT
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:06 PM): ok..i get that you want me as your dom..
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:21 PM): and you are right, i cant be as much as we would like
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:32 PM): and thats not going to change
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:02:33 PM): no Sir You cant be
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:02:42 PM): but i will take what i can get
Sir (4/11/2009 10:03:32 PM): so do you wish to continue?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:00 PM): You dont seem to understand that i am willing to suffer thru weeks, maybe months of not seeing You because i believe that when i do that experience will be worth all the waiting and suffering in the world
Sir (4/11/2009 10:04:12 PM): i do understand that
Sir (4/11/2009 10:04:24 PM): what i dont understand is why this happens
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:43 PM): because everything that i have done... everything
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:51 PM): You have not once punished me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:56 PM): why did i just say that
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:01 PM): i hate my honesty
Sir (4/11/2009 10:05:16 PM): i have already realized my mistake in that dept
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:30 PM): and today i was left much to my own devices
Sir (4/11/2009 10:05:30 PM): at the beginnning of our conversation
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:39 PM): much like yesterday and the day before
Sir (4/11/2009 10:06:31 PM): I know you want me to control you day and night
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:31 PM): i need You to have more control than that... i like structure, i like assignments, not that i have to report to You every five seconds of the day
Sir (4/11/2009 10:06:47 PM): ok
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:48 PM): but a daily routine would be nice
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:54 PM): not just 'play with yourself'
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:07:01 PM): i cant have this be all about sex
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:07:11 PM): i'm more than that to You, right?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:07:15 PM): yes
Sir (4/11/2009 10:07:27 PM): it is a small part
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:08:02 PM): think back to the things You have had me do... almost all have been about sex, except for making me ask permission to use the bathroom
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:08:25 PM): and telling me where to eat lunch on thursday
Sir (4/11/2009 10:08:44 PM): waht kind of control do you want?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:09:05 PM): telling you when to eat and what to eat can be difficult
Sir (4/11/2009 10:09:30 PM): bathroom already seemed to cause an issue
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:10:28 PM): its more about the control You want to have... but more than this... yes my pussy belongs to You, but so does the rest of me.. You can control everything You want from what i read to what i eat... etc... and the bathroom didnt cause a problem, i just happened to be sick at the time, which i am over now
Sir (4/11/2009 10:11:40 PM): but from my side, i have to worry about the problems...it is one thing if im there with you...much more difficult long distance
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:12:02 PM): problems?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:16 PM): if you hold pee too long
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:25 PM): dont eat at proper times
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:41 PM): if i cant call you in a timely manner
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:09 PM): i can understand you wnating me to have this control
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:19 PM): and I said I dont mind taking it
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:41 PM): but you have to give me time to adjust to this also
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:50 PM): one step at a time
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:14 PM): you are basically asking to be a slave
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:27 PM): and I have not had that much control before
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:31 PM): i can learn
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:45 PM): but you have to give me a little time to figure out
Sir (4/11/2009 10:15:51 PM): does that make sense?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:15:58 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:19 PM): I can see your issues and desires
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:34 PM): and I will do my best to fulfill them
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:16:54 PM): i feel like i am asking too much
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:59 PM): no dont
Sir (4/11/2009 10:17:08 PM): but i ask that you be patient with me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:17:19 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:17:29 PM): i have to learn a new aspect of this
Sir (4/11/2009 10:18:07 PM): as you have learned..being a Dom isnt easy
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:18:20 PM): no Sir it isnt
Sir (4/11/2009 10:19:34 PM): so all I ask is that you give me a chance if you wish to continue
Sir (4/11/2009 10:19:44 PM): im a pretty smart dude...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:19:55 PM): of course i want to continue Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:20:06 PM): the last thing i want is for You to turn away from me
Sir (4/11/2009 10:20:33 PM): i dont wish too..i would like to see how this works out
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:20:53 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:21:41 PM): are you willing to be a bit more patient with me?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:21:49 PM): yes Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:42:24 PM): confession before W/we speak tonight... i didnt wear it (my buttplug) at all today, its annoying, always sliding out and today i just didnt want to deal with it. i also havent been playing today. i'm not really in a sexual mood and its more annoying than anything... i'm sorry Sir... but i feel so alone and so out of touch today, all i want to do is scream or sleep
Sir (4/11/2009 8:56:16 PM): hello
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:56:31 PM): hello Sir :(
Sir (4/11/2009 8:56:54 PM): yes...im disappointed
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:57:14 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 8:57:34 PM): thank you for telling me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:57:51 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:08 PM): I am sorry you feel alone
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:58:21 PM): it happens
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:41 PM): yes...you are correct
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:54 PM): it doesnt make you feel any better
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:58:59 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:59:12 PM): bu that doesnt excuse my behavior or attitude
Sir (4/11/2009 8:59:23 PM): you are correct
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:59:44 PM): i just wish i felt something
Sir (4/11/2009 8:59:55 PM): what do you mean?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:04 PM): i mean i'm numb
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:09 PM): i dont feel anything...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:22 PM): i dont feel my submission, i dont feel sad, i dont feel happy
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:31 PM): i just dont feel
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:48 PM): im used to cutting when i feel this way
Sir (4/11/2009 9:00:59 PM): Im sorry you feel that way...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:01:06 PM): no cutting
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:01:12 PM): no Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:02:06 PM): why do you feel this way? is it something I have done?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:03:11 PM): no it is nothing You have done Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:21 PM): then what?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:03:32 PM): i dont know
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:45 PM): thats not an answer...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:53 PM): something
Sir (4/11/2009 9:04:16 PM): what is bothering you?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:04:56 PM): http://hislittlekitten.blogspot.com/2008/03/fight.html
Sir (4/11/2009 9:07:14 PM): ok..
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:30 PM): i want that
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:48 PM): i want... i want rough
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:51 PM): i want force
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:58 PM): i want attention, whether good or bad
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:02 PM): i want pain
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:10 PM): i want to hurt, i feel i deserve
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:11 PM): it
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:22 PM): another good blog, i feel her way of thinking
Sir (4/11/2009 9:11:41 PM): I understand
Sir (4/11/2009 9:13:47 PM): I will have to read thru her blog
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:00 PM): I know you want and need the attention
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:08 PM): its good, i wanna feel like that sometimes
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:12 PM): and I wish I could give you more
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:15 PM): her blog i mean
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:20 PM): Your busy, Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:24 PM): i understand
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:42 PM): yes I am busy..and I give you all I can
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:47 PM): i know Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:49 PM): is it enough for you?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:15:23 PM): ... i know that it will not be in the long run
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:15:43 PM): but for now...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:16:10 PM): it works, i guess, enough that i am not willing to give it up for something i dont think exists.
Sir (4/11/2009 9:17:00 PM): ok...but I want to know why you chose to disobey an order that I gave you
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:17:20 PM): which one?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:17:42 PM): all of them
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:18:20 PM): i have no good reason... i'm annoyed with the plug, it keeps slipping out, its uncomfortable
Sir (4/11/2009 9:18:44 PM): not everything I tell you will be comfortable
Sir (4/11/2009 9:18:53 PM): but I told you to wear it
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:18:58 PM): and i attempted to play... it didnt even feel the least bit good
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:19:10 PM): it was... iratating at best
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:01 PM): and the more i tried, the more angry i felt, untill that was all i felt, and that has died away, it has left nothing, like a fire searing the landscape
Sir (4/11/2009 9:20:12 PM): so the thought that you playing is pleasing to me didnt enter you thoughts?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:14 PM): i dont feel submissive, i dont feel sexual
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:20 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:25 PM): i'm sorry Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:21:43 PM): hmmm
Sir (4/11/2009 9:21:48 PM): not sure what to say
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:22:40 PM): that i am a horrible horrible sub and dont deserve Your attention, much less affection.. and that You wont be seeing me this friday even if i beg?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:22:58 PM): no..i will still be there on fri
Sir (4/11/2009 9:23:11 PM): unless you are hoping that I wont come
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:23:33 PM): very much the opposite, im terrified that You wont show
Sir (4/11/2009 9:23:50 PM): i told you I would be there
Sir (4/11/2009 9:24:45 PM): do you not believe me? I have been honest with you
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:25:37 PM): i guess i believe You... but... i think some of my trust has been lost
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:25:46 PM): i think that is part of why i feel this way
Sir (4/11/2009 9:25:55 PM): why?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:01 PM): i dont trust You to stay around
Sir (4/11/2009 9:26:30 PM): have I done anythign to make you think that?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:40 PM): yes Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:48 PM): or rather, W/we did
Sir (4/11/2009 9:27:03 PM): when we split
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:27:09 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:27:36 PM): I had put that behind me....I guess you have been over thinking again
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:27:46 PM): always Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:02 PM): and i guess in a way
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:17 PM): i am testing my limitations, my boundaries with You...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:39 PM): seeing how much You will let me get away with, wondering how much i can push before You walk away
Sir (4/11/2009 9:28:56 PM): that kinda what I was thinking
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:29:13 PM): do i get points for admiting it?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:29:21 PM): nope
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:29:44 PM): didnt think so
Sir (4/11/2009 9:39:55 PM): ok..so you are wanting to see if you push hard enough and see if I run
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:40:13 PM): i guess
Sir (4/11/2009 9:40:21 PM): i wont
Sir (4/11/2009 9:41:11 PM): unless you ask me to leave
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:41:18 PM): i dont want that
Sir (4/11/2009 9:42:10 PM): i understand your pushing..in fact, i was wondering when it would start and thought it might be this weekend
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:42:27 PM): why did You think that?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:42:56 PM): because all week you were excited..we talked and chatted..everything was good...but I was seeing hints
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:43:25 PM): like what Sir?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:38 PM): and I figured that once you had a whole day (almost) where you couldnt talk to me, you would start to think
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:53 PM): and wonder
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:56 PM): and push
Sir (4/11/2009 9:44:08 PM): and try to see if I would punish you
Sir (4/11/2009 9:44:31 PM): you have been burned..and you want me but you dont want me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:44:44 PM): i dont want You?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:06 PM): you expect me to run off lilke others may have
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:19 PM): but that is trying to top from the bottom
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:25 PM): you are the sub
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:31 PM): I am your Master
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:45:47 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:46:12 PM): I expect you to feel this way until we meet
Sir (4/11/2009 9:46:18 PM): off and on
Sir (4/11/2009 9:47:13 PM): from what you know of me...do you think I would drop you just becuase you ignore my commands and push back?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:47:23 PM): waht kind of Dom does that make me?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:36 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:48 PM): that would mean that You are not a real Dom, but that is the point anyway
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:51 PM): isnt it?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:48:25 PM): to be proven to that my faith in You was useless and that You were never worth it, that i was stupid for trusting You
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:49:03 PM): it never crosses my mind that it is You to blame for lying to me, it is always my fault for not seeing it
Sir (4/11/2009 9:50:01 PM): have I lied?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:14 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:30 PM): that was hypothetical, based on previous experience
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:42 PM): not actually You Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:50:47 PM): ok...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:51:25 PM): my question to you is this...are we going to have to go back thru this every weekend?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:33 PM): its what i am terrified of
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:42 PM): i dont know
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:53 PM): did W/we do this last weekend?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:52:17 PM): pretty close
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:52:36 PM): i'm sorry Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:53:04 PM): no prob...i know it comes from having free time to think
Sir (4/11/2009 9:53:17 PM): maybe I need to have you doing things that keep you busy
Sir (4/11/2009 9:54:15 PM): sigh
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:54:32 PM): yeah
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:54:51 PM): and i now i sit and wonder and wait
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:55:02 PM): when i am going to be 'to much to deal with'
Sir (4/11/2009 9:55:32 PM): i dont know...I was hoping we could enjoy what we have
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:56:41 PM): yeah but i'm emotional and clingy and U/us not doing this anymore would really just be in my best interest because i need to find a Dom that can meet my needs and You tryint to do this is just exhausting for You
Sir (4/11/2009 9:57:20 PM): sigh....last week all over again
Sir (4/11/2009 9:57:46 PM): i dont know
Sir (4/11/2009 9:58:04 PM): i would like to see...I like having you as my sub
Sir (4/11/2009 9:58:25 PM): but if you dont want me as a Dom, then you are correct...it wont work
Sir (4/11/2009 9:59:24 PM): I dont know what to do here
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:00:33 PM): why in the HELL WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT i DONT WANT YOU AS MY DOM???? MY ONLY PROBLEM THAT THIS POINT IS THAT YOU CANT BE AS MUCH OF A DOM AS YOU AND i WOULD BOTH LIKE YOU TO BE AND YOU KNOW IT
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:06 PM): ok..i get that you want me as your dom..
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:21 PM): and you are right, i cant be as much as we would like
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:32 PM): and thats not going to change
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:02:33 PM): no Sir You cant be
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:02:42 PM): but i will take what i can get
Sir (4/11/2009 10:03:32 PM): so do you wish to continue?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:00 PM): You dont seem to understand that i am willing to suffer thru weeks, maybe months of not seeing You because i believe that when i do that experience will be worth all the waiting and suffering in the world
Sir (4/11/2009 10:04:12 PM): i do understand that
Sir (4/11/2009 10:04:24 PM): what i dont understand is why this happens
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:43 PM): because everything that i have done... everything
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:51 PM): You have not once punished me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:56 PM): why did i just say that
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:01 PM): i hate my honesty
Sir (4/11/2009 10:05:16 PM): i have already realized my mistake in that dept
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:30 PM): and today i was left much to my own devices
Sir (4/11/2009 10:05:30 PM): at the beginnning of our conversation
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:39 PM): much like yesterday and the day before
Sir (4/11/2009 10:06:31 PM): I know you want me to control you day and night
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:31 PM): i need You to have more control than that... i like structure, i like assignments, not that i have to report to You every five seconds of the day
Sir (4/11/2009 10:06:47 PM): ok
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:48 PM): but a daily routine would be nice
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:54 PM): not just 'play with yourself'
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:07:01 PM): i cant have this be all about sex
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:07:11 PM): i'm more than that to You, right?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:07:15 PM): yes
Sir (4/11/2009 10:07:27 PM): it is a small part
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:08:02 PM): think back to the things You have had me do... almost all have been about sex, except for making me ask permission to use the bathroom
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:08:25 PM): and telling me where to eat lunch on thursday
Sir (4/11/2009 10:08:44 PM): waht kind of control do you want?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:09:05 PM): telling you when to eat and what to eat can be difficult
Sir (4/11/2009 10:09:30 PM): bathroom already seemed to cause an issue
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:10:28 PM): its more about the control You want to have... but more than this... yes my pussy belongs to You, but so does the rest of me.. You can control everything You want from what i read to what i eat... etc... and the bathroom didnt cause a problem, i just happened to be sick at the time, which i am over now
Sir (4/11/2009 10:11:40 PM): but from my side, i have to worry about the problems...it is one thing if im there with you...much more difficult long distance
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:12:02 PM): problems?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:16 PM): if you hold pee too long
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:25 PM): dont eat at proper times
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:41 PM): if i cant call you in a timely manner
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:09 PM): i can understand you wnating me to have this control
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:19 PM): and I said I dont mind taking it
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:41 PM): but you have to give me time to adjust to this also
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:50 PM): one step at a time
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:14 PM): you are basically asking to be a slave
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:27 PM): and I have not had that much control before
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:31 PM): i can learn
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:45 PM): but you have to give me a little time to figure out
Sir (4/11/2009 10:15:51 PM): does that make sense?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:15:58 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:19 PM): I can see your issues and desires
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:34 PM): and I will do my best to fulfill them
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:16:54 PM): i feel like i am asking too much
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:59 PM): no dont
Sir (4/11/2009 10:17:08 PM): but i ask that you be patient with me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:17:19 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:17:29 PM): i have to learn a new aspect of this
Sir (4/11/2009 10:18:07 PM): as you have learned..being a Dom isnt easy
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:18:20 PM): no Sir it isnt
Sir (4/11/2009 10:19:34 PM): so all I ask is that you give me a chance if you wish to continue
Sir (4/11/2009 10:19:44 PM): im a pretty smart dude...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:19:55 PM): of course i want to continue Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:20:06 PM): the last thing i want is for You to turn away from me
Sir (4/11/2009 10:20:33 PM): i dont wish too..i would like to see how this works out
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:20:53 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:21:41 PM): are you willing to be a bit more patient with me?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:21:49 PM): yes Sir
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