sleepless

Third night in a row that i haven't been able to sleep. It's not that i'm not tired, but part of me can't seem to settle. Add that to my back/neck/shoulders hurting and i toss and turn and am still awake way past my bed time. my heart is thumping like a little caged animal. my brain won't shut up. It bugs me that He hasn't written me back. Maybe He doesn't see a response as necessary, maybe whatever i said disgusted Him. Maybe He decided i was too much drama. i just hate not knowing.

A struggling afternoon

Today presented me with a challenge, completely unexpected, and for the most part, unforeseeable. i was cleaning my apartment in anticipation of Master's arrival next weekend (5.5 days to go *giggles*) and that lead me to emptying out my old makeup bag and throwing things away. i like to be thorough. Anyway, so i empty out on the floor and in the bottom of the bag, and therefore on top of the pile, is my razor blade. The one i used when i was out (hence in the makeup bag). i panicked, freaked. i wanted to use it. Habit, i guess... Something clicked in me that made me realize that there was no REASON for me to want it. i was in a good mood, feeling just fine. And feeling something, not being numb. So it was stupid. Yet i couldnt move myself to throw it away.
i called Master. It was lucky that He was available to answer His phone. This is a moment i can truly say that i dont know what would have happened if i wasnt able to speak with Him. i told the truth. Told Him what i was feeling, that i couldnt do it. But, with His command, i could. and did. It took a little convincing, something in me didnt want let that go. But Master gave me no choice. And now its in the dumpster. It left me with that after scene feeling, the subdrop feeling... I curled up on my slave space as i have begun to think about it, and let my heart come back down from my throat to my chest. i remembered how to breathe...

Thank You Master...

Hi, i'm k and i'm an over thinker

i'm an over-analytical, over-thinking submissive/slave. i judge, criticize, and question almost every action, answer, response, and look. i over-think my submission to Master and judge myself rather than just accepting His judgment. He tells me i'm beautiful and i call Him crazy. He says i'm a wonderful person and i tell Him He's blind. He asks me to kneel and i question why (most of the time from a kneeling position). i question His faith in me and if He will stick around, if He is strong enough to deal with all my crazy...
i suppose i should explain that part a bit more... i'm constantly on an emotional rollercoaster. i was abused when i was younger (from about 11-16), have never resloved my issues with it. i have clinical depression, was a self-abuser (in some ways still am). i was major trust issue, no real sense of self-esteem, and go through times the opposite of my depression; times when i cannot sit still, have trouble sleeping, feel so consumed by rage and aggression that i can feel nothing else. When the that fire burns away, there is nothing left; i am numb. i have attempted suicide, was actually dead for like 20 seconds before they restarted my heart. Had my stomach pumped and was hospitalized. i have had many relationships end, romantic, D/s, and plutonic alike, because the other person could no longer deal or handle my mood swings.

Introduction...

i am Master W's little slave girl. i am 22 years old and in a D/s relationship with a married man that lives a couple hundred miles away from me. O/our relationship is complicated to say it best... And yet i wouldn't trade it. i am a slavish-submissive, as Master puts it... A submissive that requires a great amount of control and attention. i am an attention whore, definitely, but Master doesn't seem to mind. There is something that feels so wonderful to me about giving up my control to Him. Just as it feels wonderful to sink to my knees in front of Him, to give myself to Him. i wonder everyday why me, why my submission He chooses to take. And why He considers Himself lucky to have my submission.
Yes it is a LDR. And yes W/we, especially i, struggle with this everyday. but W/we are fighting to make it work. Apparently i'm worth it....

slave girl k