First Tradition of the House of Reason

I accept the responsibility for discovering what pleases my Master and will do my best to fulfill his wishes and desires.

This is a very fundamental thought for me as a submissive. It is my responsibility to discover what makes my Master happy and to do it. A 'yes Sir' when requests or demands are made of me, from fetching drinks and food, to acting as a table or kneeling. The basic desire to please a dominant is a standard for a submissive. A submissive being extremely different from a simple masochist. A masochist enjoys pain being inflicted on them, usually for sexual pleasure. A submissive to me serves a Dominant, seeks to please Him (or her as someone's case maybe). Pleasing him, serving him, is more often than not, not really an option. I don't mean that if i dont please him, i will lose him (though that would more than likely be the eventual outcome), or that he would punish me (though he would). It is a basic need for me as a submissive. I need to please him, with out that purpose for me, for my life, i become lost. Like i said, basic.

I am no longer collared. No longer owned. No longer his submissive...

We split up last night. I took my collar off about 30 minutes ago. I feel naked.

I won't say this was a mutual decision. But, despite the fact that he called that final shot, and i'm the one in shock, but i think we both felt it coming, both knew neither of us were happy. I just didn't want to admit it, wanted to believe that it could be fixed.

This all being said. I'm shutting down this blog. It was, after all, "Sweet Submission in the House of Reason" and I am not longer a submissive in the House of Reason. I WILL be keeping the web address, kslaveconfessions.blogspot.com, I will just be revamping my blog page over the next couple of weeks, and probably removing several posts.

I need a fresh start.

Desires...

Master and I played with another girl on Tuesday night. It was something we had been talking about for a long time. We talked about three different scenarios- me being a top, a bottom, and neutral to the other female involved. I was most interested in being neutral the first time- being a completely ignored observer, but Master wanted me more involved. So I ended up kinda topping, and kind being on equal level with her. There was some rope play, a little impact play, hogtieing her. Then Master fucked her as i worshiped his feet from the floor... It was rather intense for me, and a first for us...

I'm interested in doing it all again. The girl, watching them fuck, hurting her, being hurt, worshiping both their feet, her foot pushing down on my head... *happy sigh*

And above that... I want to scene soooo fucking bad. I want to be beaten, bruised, bleeding, sore, stiff, giggling, cumming, tortured... I can't help it... I'm just a fucking pain slut...

TTWD: Internal Enslavement

I was browsing through my blog statistics and saw that I had many many page views for the Internal Enslavement post that I did in june of 2009. IE is also the term that leads people to my page most often. Related searches are "how to develop internal enslavement" and "how tos of internal enslavement" (those last two were in the last month). When I googled it, I was the fourth listed site on the subject, right after the enslavement website that I have previously quoted. So first off, I will say thank you to those that come to my blog to get read the short post that I had up already.

That all being said, my first post wasn't all that... intimate. I basically defined what internal enslavement was, and left it at that. At the time (some what early in my submission) I didn't have a great concept of what IE was, what it could possibly mean to me, and I was seeking an answer as I am sure that most of the people that have been lead to my blog are doing now. but it isn't really enough to read a definition. When the average kinkster is seeking answers, they, i think, are looking to find real life examples, and not just positive ones. Those new to the concept or to the D/s lifestyle are seeking a how to guide, perhaps. They heard the term at a much, saw a post on fetlife, and became rather curious as to what it meant. It struck a very good nerve, and now they must scour the internet searching for some way to achieve such an deep form of submission.

For me, internal enslavement was something I found myself in, without a name for it. The name came by accident. I was reading everything about D/s I could find, and stumbled upon the term on a blog I read briefly, and then had the desire to learn what I could about the concept and what I was realizing I got myself into. The aforementioned website says something like this "detailed examination of a female slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences to establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership."

This is exactly what my Master does. He uses my thoughts, my emotions, and my experiences in life to gain better control of me. When I first started to journal, Master told me (as a matter of fact, i think it is written in my first journal) that anything I wrote in it would be used to his advantage to understand me better as a submissive and a person, and to gain better control of me. I shrugged it off in the beginning, but that was exactly what he did. Today, I don't journal, but everything I say in any conversation could potentially be used to gain more control of me...

So the "How to develop internal enslavement" works something like this...

Ask questions.
LISTEN to answers.
Judge Reactions.
Observe... EVERYTHING.

Internal enslavement is not meant for those that keep their D/s play solely to the bedroom. It is not for the vanilla spicers or the unsure or weak. A dominant actively engaging in IE carries a lot more responsibility than that of the average dominant... Your submissive's physical, emotional, and mental well-being is dependent on YOU. I'm not saying that a submissive that has been involved in IE is incapable of thinking for herself, or would never survive if left on her own. I am saying that that the IE relationship marks a person for life.

There is very little in my life that my Master does not control. My clothing, hair color, eating habits, sexuality, recreational activities, hobbies, and financial security are things on the surface that are relatively easy to see and understand. My emotional health and mental stability are also very closely linked to him. That is what most people don't see. He grounds me when I fly too high or to wild. He is my balance. I feed off of his emotions, and crave to please him. There is not an action I take during the day that I do not consider his point of view, his thoughts, his approval. I make the majority of my decision based on the things that he has taught me and if he would approve or not. Because I trust his judgement. Because I know that he knows me well enough to make decisions for me, or to give me the best advice. He takes care of me, works to keep me happy, because I serve and obey him. In return, he is my world.

It was said recently to Master by a friend of his that he was "unsure if I was truly submissive or if I only submitted to Master because I would lose him otherwise". I stated later that evening (without being aware of the comment) that I didn't think I would submit to another dominant if I were to lose Master. I took some time to ponder both statements. At first, I didn't see a difference.

"I am choosing to submit, isn't that enough?" I asked Master. He told me that he wanted a willing submissive, not a slave that felt forced to submit because of love or blackmail.

I don't feel like a slave. I went into this relationship seeking a Master, a dominant. I sought the lifestyle, craved it, though I was never this far in. It has never been something Master has forced upon me, nor will it ever be. Yes, there are days that I struggle with my role, but I have never had the desire to turn my back on it. Mostly, I struggle because of some of the people around me. Largely, society has rebelled so far against the 1950s housewife, that it isn't normal to be a dependent, soft woman. We aren't supposed to want to be taken care of anymore.

Does it make me less of a submissive in general for never wanting another Master? No. I just don't think someone else could fill his shoes. I'm not sure I would want someone else to try. To me, he is irreplaceable.

Here and Open

For a while i starting posting on a different blog, inthehouseofreason.wordpress.com and i don't feel like maintaining two blogs at once, so i will be shutting that one down at sometime in the future. I moved cause i wanted to make a fresh start, an open start. Instead, i shut down as quickly as i started... I begin to wonder if maybe i am just not the regular blogging type. I like having an outlet here, and it has helped to open me up with Master, but without a topic to post on every day, i tend to slack off. And honestly, i tend to slack off anyway simply because i'm lazy or busy. I don't know how long i will continue writing here, but somethings have happened in life recently that i need a space to talk about....

Master and i have decided to open our relationship up to other people. i know this sounds crazy to anyone that has read many of my posts... Hell the last post here was me bitching about him playing with another girl... It has been the topic of discussion for a while now, but usually in the form of finding a sister for me or just someone else for him to play with. When the idea was posed to me by an outside source that perhaps my jealous was due to the fact that i was not allowed (or never got to) play with someone else, something clicked for me. We went to a play party several weeks ago and he played with other people, and i was left on my own for the night. It was not done necessarily on purpose, but it was the way things happened. Frustration raged in me. Not jealousy, but frustration of sitting on my hands all night because no one wanted to play with me.... So following that, i posted up on fet that i was open to playing with others, that i was a sadist, not just a submissive, that i was here in my own right, not just as an extension of my Master. I also sent out a couple of emails asking others if they might want to top me. The next party, a mere few days after said posting, I was asked to top a lovely little girl in warm up for a scene for her later that night. After asking Master's permission, i quickly agreed, and the first scene of the night for me was a lovely flogging applied to her back ass tits and cunt, as well as making her admit what a little pain slut she is. Master was doing a fire scene with someone else in another room, so he didn't get to see much of it.... After his scene ended, he was asked to do a rope demo by the same girl i flogged, and oh! how my heart soared when he told her that he was willing to do so only after he had scened with me. Our scene was beautiful and intense and i felt more connected to him in that hour and a half than i have in a long time. I will refrain from posting it here, as i am still holding it close to my heart. We finished up the night by tying the little girl slut up and letting anyone that wanted to touch her touch her. It was incredible hot to work with Master in such a way... Not quite his equal, but not so under him either.

This was a turning point in our relationship. It made us stronger, and it made me realize that it was not the idea of him playing with someone else that made me freak, but rather the idea of being left alone while it was happening. As i started getting more comfortable with it, i have started planning finding Master an additional girl. Then we bought a bar....

Well... Actually, Master's father bought a bar, realized it wasn't as much fun as he would have liked, and gave the bar to Master. Suddenly, it took over all rational and civil life. We both have put a lot of hours into it, trying to get paperwork done and everything legal and up and running. We are finally making progress... But this as given me a lot of time at home alone....

Which is how i met J. J is a friend of Spirited One's Master, Asha, who lives here in the states. Friend is a bit of an understatement, they say they are more like brothers. They certainly act like it. Asha got me into play Lord of the Rings Online, and there i met J. And we clicked... Through one conversation or another (they are kind of blurring together on me at the moment) we were discussing the fact that Master isn't really okay with being a Daddy and that J thought that it was incredible hot... And well... I like him.. I like being his Princess... It feels wonderful to have a place to express that side of me in a safe healthy (?) way. I adore him.

Bringing up the need to define our relationship as open with Master went a lot smoother that i would have thought. I made sure to clarify that it wasn't that i didn't want to be with him , or that i wanted to cheat. It was ultimately his decision. I told him honestly and bluntly that there were things that we both wanted in a relationship that we couldn't give each other and that it seemed silly to limit our happiness by staying monogamous. He agreed. Just that simple.

Well... It might have been that simple for him to agree, but it has taken me a bit to adjust to liking someone else.... Okay more than a bit, cause i'm still not adjusted. But i'm working on that...

Fetch Fido

I got a dog yesterday. At 8 months old, he's already 70 pounds. But what can you expect from a malamute/Pyrenees? His name is Bear. No, i didn't name him.

When i posted up the previous poll, i was thinking about writing a fantasy. As many of you know, i play puppy sometimes. It really is a form of play, and i really do become that puppy. Some how or another, thoughts of sex got tangled in with thoughts of puppy, and not only do i have fantasies about being fucked while in puppy space, i have had thoughts about being fucked by another puppy while in puppy space. For a while, i thought that i was going mad, that i was sick and twisted, and never ever revealed to any my thoughts on the subject. One night many months ago, i was talking to Spirited's Sir (we had been talking for a few months at that point... Or maybe it was a couple of months? Time passes oddly in subby space) and i confided in him what i was thinking. I had even watched some porn on the subject by that point. He encouraged me to explore, to fantasize, talked to me about the right and wrong of it. Eventually, i worked up the courage to tell MOR. His reaction was not... altogether perfect, but after sometime he adjusted to the idea. I think for him he wanted it to humiliate me (i'm such a slut i'll fuck a dog), and i guess it still does make me blush. Up till now it has all just been fantasies playing in my head, and maybe they will get left that way..

Then again, maybe not...

Under the weather...

I'm feeling a bit under the weather today, physically and mentally. I feel like i just can't keep up with certain things going on in my life. I feel sluggish. At the same time, i am ready to jump ahead in a few areas, ready to move, ready for my school to start, ready for the Tulsa side of my life to really begin. The things i want to move forward are stuck, waiting on time to pass. The other things are falling through my fingers like water.

I know i just saw him Sunday, but i really miss Master. I want to serve, to be of service, in the most domesticated sense. I am afraid of the pain, not craving the sex, but desiring to serve, to please in a more... DD sort of way i guess? *shrug*

*yawn* time for a nap i think...

TTWD: My submission

I've always been a masochist. Pain has just always been this huge part of my life. It was easy to accept, easy to watch the bruises and scrapes and cuts heal. The initial pain might be very intense, but it eventually fades away, leave new skin, beautiful and perfect.

When i started cutting, it was for much the same reason. I wanted to watch that beautiful perfectness form, wanted to cut away the old me, suffer the pain to hope and watch for a more perfect me, one with less pain on the inside. It turned into a habit. I started cutting because i wanted to, because it was something i could control on the outside, but before long it was an addiction, just like smoking or drinking or shopping can be for some people.

After understanding all of that about myself, it wasn't impossible for the younger me (at about 16 or so) to imagine the connections between pain and sex. I was already getting high on the adrenaline pumping through my veins, why not combine that with fucking? To me, both things felt good, so when my first boyfriend and i tried combining the two- just a little hair pulling or rough sex- i wasn't surprised to find sex more enjoyable.

Fast forward several years to when i first heard about BDSM and all this madness. I have always seen myself as 'under' anyone i have ever dated. I would fetch drinks and sit on the floor and rub feet. It was my natural state to take care of others. Of anyone else. So much so that i would cease to take care of myself. I read the pretty stories, just like everyone else. I identified with O, at least in some way. I learned that liking pain, being sexually stimulated by it was experienced by a lot of people. So many people in fact that there was a entire community built around it.

I went for some time believing that i understood what submission meant, believing that i was a submissive, or a slave. I understood the word kajira. I continued to research, continued to explore, but like most people at a young age, i, for the most part, believed that i knew it all. That while some of the technical details still escaped me, i knew what it meant to be submissive.

When met Master of Reason in October, it was half by randomness, by chance. The relationship i was in had just ended (with in hours), though i had been struggling with it for a while. I didn't understand why i was struggling, but it wasn't working. And after 9 months of not looking, He just happened to pop onto collarme.com and see my profile. We started chatting, had our first date, and things have spiraled from there.

What he has taught me along the way is that almost everything i thought i knew about submission, i didn't. I didn't really know anything at all. And i was controlled by fear so much that there was no way anyone else could truly own me.What i had been struggling with was the need for a deeper relationship, a need to really give everything over. And what i have learned on my own is that submission comes from the heart. It really is a gift to be given, as taking it from someone, forcing it, taints the beauty of it.

So this brings us back to present day. I've worked to earn this collar. I've had to let go of my fear, to let go of my past, to let go of my anger.

This weekend taught me that i have to let go of my control, too. That when it really comes down to it, with him, i am helpless. I have no control. Not since i gave myself to him. Sure, i can beg and plead, and if absolutely necessary i can use my safe word or leave. But in the realm of our relationship, he owns me, he controls me.

He also protects me, even from myself at times. He cherishes me. I am His three-holed slut, His fuck-toy, His whore. I wash his dishes, fetch his drinks, fetch his inhaler. When i am lucky, i shower him, sleep next to him. I am whatever he needs me to be. I am his cherished submissive, his puppy dog. He can be mean, almost cruel even. But He is also sweet and gentle and loving and protective. He listens when my days are shitty, and helps me to center myself.

I am whatever he requires. I always try to keep Him in mind in my decisions. I am His.

Alone in the Dark

Master and i went to a party on Saturday night. It was very small, about 8 people of the expected 30. We haven't been to a part since January i believe, so i was nervous and excited. The first hour or two was just hanging out and a class called 'Stagecraft for Perverts' which had some good funny parts. Afterward, we had the little scene that i will describe below. I'm just going to post the details of the scene here, then i will in another post, i will describe its affects, as it has changed my mindset.

At the play space there is this table, about waist high on me (3 feet maybe?) with two posts on the front that are about 5 1/2 foot tall. The front has a little grove cut out of it, and its topped with vinyl. Master told me to strip, and i was glad to get out of the 3.5 inch heels he had made me wear that night. I had already unpacked the toybag, so he had no trouble find the ankle cuffs. He chained and locked my ankles to the rings at the tops of each post, so that my legs were spread up in the air. Then he locked my wrists to the sides of the table. So here i am lying on my back, naked, spread like i'm at the gyno's office. There's some gothy creepy music playing, and a little gas space heater turned out, so Master turns off the lights. The walks out of the room, closing the door. Thats right. He chained me up and left me all alone!

Now secret of secrets, i'm a bit afraid of the dark, and more afraid of being helpless in the dark. But thats what he did. He made sure i couldn't escape and left me. i tried to be calm, at first, but the longer he was gone, the more panicked i felt, twisted and pulling at the cuffs (to no avail), whimpering in the dark. It felt like 20 minutes, though he says it was only about 10, just long enough to smoke a cigarette.

The rest of the scene is a bit of a blur. I remember candles brought in by our hostess, crying out as the hot wax dripped on my body. I remember the host bringing in ice cubes, being encouraged to touch me. I remember biting at him, trying to kick him. I remember feeling something sticking to my chest as Master pulled it off (lots of plastic wrap i later learned as i cleaned up), i remember admitting that i was helpless, that He had all the control. When he took the chains off, i remember asking him to leave the ankle cuffs on. Which he did, as well as the wrist cuffs with a chain between them.

The rest of the night is fuzzy as well, there was much talking, and friendly, before sleeping in his arms at home

work week, and panties!

So, I skipped this week's Tantalizing Tuesday entry, and haven't posted in a week. Anybody miss me? :P

I've been a bit overwhelmed at work, doing performance reviews (giving and receiving), putting out fires, dealing with lost orders, and other things. It left be quite stressed. And the stressed was making me a bit sick, so i took naps in the afternoon after work when i would normally have spent time blogging or cleaning or some such. Master had been in the same boat, cept not with work. His grandmother died, and though it was not totally unexpected, it was still hard.

I've been emotional (PMSing) on top of all that this weekend. But Master has been very supportive, helping to steady me and center me, the best that he can considering he has been on the road for his job the past couple of days. We worked on some 'training' and talked about things affecting me. All in all its left me a little sub spacy.

This morning Master got me up early, worked me through my exercise routine, and picked out my clothes for me. Then sent me shopping for sexy underwear. I only am allowed panties during my period, but Master still wanted them sexy. So after three stores, i came home with 6 pairs. 2 pairs of blue bikinis, 1 blue thong, 1 gray thong, 1 dark blue extra ruffled boyshorts, and 1 pair of white panties. The white ones aren't for my period, they are for little time. We are working on getting me a catholic school girl outfit. Master has promised more shopping over spring break. I need a new bra, and a few summery dresses as well.

The rest of my afternoon i think i will devote to finishing my cleaning that i started yesterday and maybe work on a sculpture or painting? haven't decided on that yet.

Peace through simplicity and submission

This weekend was wonderful, not because of any big event or overturning or long beating. But because of its simplicity. Time was spent on domestic duties, though we did play a little. Oh, and i gave Master a lap dance- something i was very nervous about doing. Master wrapped a chain around my waist, and then locked it to my collar so that the chain was between my breasts. It made me nervous at first, but i got more and more comfortable and barely noticed it was there. Oh and did i mention the amazing fucks? *chuckles* I never lost my feeling of submission, never felt frustrated or overwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong, i'm a little pain slut, and i still want a good scene like everyday *giggles* but i don't feel that it is a necessary for my happiness as it once was.

Happy Birthday Master!

Today is Master's 29th birthday. I came to spend the weekend with him and promised a weekend that he could just chill out, so the days were mostly spent reading and relaxing around him as he played Star Trek Online. We did go to a used book store in the next major city, a bought a few new to us books, some of the Terry Brooks ones. I made him a blue cheesecake (just colored it blue, his favorite color), and Pia made him brownies. All very low key.

Tonight it is back to my apartment and i hate to go. This place is home now, here in my Master's house, next to his feet, or in his bed. I cannot wait to move. I know i have talked about the struggles that i have felt in dealing with the distance, and i feel the need to spend a moment to express my love and gratitude to my Master.

Sir-

I know we struggle sometimes with the physical distance between us, but through it all i try to remember that we are struggling for eachother's happiness, and FOR our relationship. When i touch the collar around my neck i remember always, our love and commitment for each other. I am so very happy to be yours.

I love You always.
Your slave

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy V-day, Readers! I hope you all had a very joyful, very kinky weekend. Master came down for a visit on friday. That night i made manicotti for dinner and we spent several hours reading outloud to each other, snuggled up on the couch. Saturday we went to lunch at Olive Garden and then to the Oklahoma City Art muesum, which was a wonderful treat for me, as i hadn't been since i was in high school and am a bit of an art geek. All in all it was a wonderful visit, despite being cut a bit short because Master was not feeling very well, with his breathing and all. But i got what i asked for, which was some time with him that was unintruded upon. While i am finding ways to be more accepting of my Master's relationship with Pia, it was important to me to keep this seperate. Well, i'm keeping this short tonight, but will update more relationshipy issues later...

*kiss kiss*

Last night Master, Pia, and i attended the Torture Chamber. We went with high expectations. We knew that the first level was a mini horror convention, and that it was open to all ages with some very heavy metal music. We went upstairs to the VKP (very kinky person) section, and looked around for a bit. Master was skeptical, but soon forgot to be when i volunteered to get into one of the cages they had set up. It had a doggie bed in the bottom, but i was instructed to remain free of puppy space until told otherwise. I've always been afraid of cages as i'm slightly claustrophobic. Its not a hard limit, just a discomfort. But i knew it would please him, and i was most of the reason we even went to the party, so i volunteered to be in the cage mostly naked- my nips were taped over and i had to have panties on still, as it was a public venue.

At first, no one really paid me any attention, as someone was on an inversion table, getting some swats from a couple of women. As that crowd dissipated, a pretty blond turned to my Master and asked if she was allowed to do anything other than observe. When he asked what she had in mind, she told him that she wanted me to lick her boots. i have never been made to serve another in any capacity, and haven't had a lot of D/s contact with strangers, so i was nervous. He asked if i wanted to, and i shook my head. Of course, that made him want me to do it all the more, and the top of the cage was lifted so that she could stick one long leg with a beautiful almost knee high leather boot in my cage. I bowed down and proceeded to lick and clean her boot as i would my Master's feet, knowing i was serving him, pleasing him, in the process. I had floated away into that serving space rather nicely until she pulled on my hair a bit and told me to look her in the eye as i cleaned her boots. I started at the bottom, and would make eye contact with her as i worked my way up, first licking, then wiping the boot clean with my face. Afterward, she told me what a good girl i was and petted me a bit.

The cage top went back down and i stayed there, quiet for a little while. People looked, but didn't interfer too much. There was another little crowd of people that showed up then, and had called me a kitty. Master corrected that i was a puppy, and had tried to make it clear that i wasn't a pup, but a slave at the moment, but they didn't really get the hint. So, he gave in with "Missy, speak!"*ark ark* The pup was.. well not out of the cage, but.. ya know. The noise attracted more people, though they kept a distance for the most part, except for a woman with leather gloves that had a soft spot for puppies. She gave me pets and scritches told me i was a good girl.

I remember being in the middle of trying to get the attention of a friend of ours when Master pulled me out of space to introduce me to someone. Then he let me out of the cage altogether, and i was allowed to stretch my legs a bit. We went back in the main area of socialization (still upstairs), and got some water.

We were chatting with people, when Master spied the pretty blond from earlier, and told me to ask her permission to do the other boot. I refused at first, embarrassed at doing it free from the cage and in front of more people. I argued a bit, but he wasn't giving in, so i approached her. I pointed out to her that she was unbalanced, and asked if i could be allowed to do her other boot. She was happy to comply. I went to work cleaning the second boot, much as i had the first, until she pulled me up by my hair and told me what a good girl i was and rewarded me with a kiss on the lips! I was a bit shocked, but not objectionable.

We went home shortly after this, as Master was tired of screaming over the music to have a conversation and made rounds to say goodbye. On our way out, he had someone take a picture of him on this throne thing with Pia and i crawling up to him. It was hot.

So the entire night was not a total bust. I enjoyed myself a bit, and Master made some connections, and renewed some old connections.

Today i get to drive myself back home before the weather gets icky, and go back to the everyday life that seems to intrude upon things i would rather be doing :D

Direction

My life often feels like it is free flowing without much direction. i don't mean this in reference to Master or D/s, but my career path, my sense of goals and accomplishments. What i want to do. I have a hard time settling on a hobby, often bouncing around from one thing to another. Picking a career field has been even more difficult. You see, all my life, the only thing i ever really wanted to do was to be a mother. The 1950s PTA mom. I'm very maternal with friends and even my employees. When i met Master, who didn't want children so much he got snipped (and burned), that path changed. But instead of the clear cut path i could see so well, the new road in my life was blurred or blinding, i stumbled along without much of a clue.

We recently have gotten into some serious conversations about children, and whether or not my desire to have them was so strong that i would tear me away from him. At first, it was easy to say "i love you more than that." I didn't understand all the frustration and 'lost'ness i was feeling was because i lost what i knew to be my path in life. It has brought me to tears on more than one occasion.

Master wants to travel, to see the states, the world. A bike trip to the Falls, a cruise to Mexico. Hard to do that with a child. I understand his wants. It appeals to the gypsy part of me, the part that always craves change.

Today my horoscope suggested flexibility and compromise. What career could i choose that would allowed for both sides of desire? Children and Mexico. Love of my life, fulfilling my instincts.

Teaching. I'd toyed with the idea multiple times. Elementary school. Grades 1st through 3rd or 4th? Just old enough to really comprehend and focus, not so old that collages and Halloween parties are cliche. I hate high schoolers. I didn't like them when i was one. And day care has way to many politics. Plus, teaching, you get out for spring break, Christmas, and summer vacation, giving us plenty of time to travel. It seems like a good compromise.

Master's short visit

Master finally got into town yesterday at about 2. We cuddled for a while before heading out to wander about town, enjoying each others company, alone for the first time in what seemed like forever (but was really only about 2.5 weeks). When we got home he did his homework for his mentor class while i fixed dinner- yummy homemade pork lo mien- then ate. We got part way into a movie and decided that it was not what we wanted and that some play time was needed. The new cuffs that we bought at the Christmas bizarre went on, floggers came out, i went up... and then came down. The new cuffs were too tight to be comfortable, i still can't make a play list on my mp3 player yet (though it is supposed to have the capability, i have not figured out how), and 'it' just wasn't felt. But he rocked my world with several orgasms with the glass dildo, till i couldn't stand. So he had me kneel. Then bow. He put his hands on my face as i bowed, while i recited the traditions (one through six at least), reinforcing each one with me. i started to get a little floaty, and he had started to switch tasks wanting me to massage him, when he could tell i was disappointed and upset.
He cuddled with me on the bed and let me talk, about how i needed that release, but wanted to please him, how i felt selfish for expressing my own needs. He took care of me. Made me go get the really thin stingy paddle that i hate/love so much and started out with that. Then switched to the flogger, then back to the paddle, i'm not sure how many times he went back and forth cause this time it didn't take me long to drop. I felt so taken care of, so wonderful at the end of the night. I didn't realize that i missed worshipping at his feet, that i like this activity now, instead of just having to get through it to please him. I find joy. This morning i am exhausted, but happily so.
We had a couple of long talks yesterday, and while we both know that the future is not set in stone, i think we both feel better about things. I feel less insecure, less ignored, more grounded in reality. He is still concerned that i want children, and is afraid that it will tear us apart. That my instincts and hormones will not subside with out a strong voice in my future. I'm not entirely sure he is right, though i am not entirely sure he is wrong... More on this later.

Seventh Tradition of the House of Reason

I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. I realize that my needs and limits will change, as I will continue to grow and develop as a submissive and as a human being.

A few years ago, i would have seen it as extremely unlikely that i would ever find myself kneeling for any one. While i enjoyed rough sex and was naturally submissive in some ways, i would not be owned, would not be controlled, would slap someone for spitting on me or calling me a slut (whore, fucktoy, cumdump, slave etc). Several months ago, i panicked when i felt hands around my throat. Now i love being choked. i have grown and changed as a person, and have come to a better understanding of who i am and what excites and pleases me. i expect to grow and change more and i age, and as i come into more contact with what the world has to offer me. i have learned that i must keep an open mind when exploring new things. That what was once a hard limit, sometimes becomes a maybe, then a yes please, then a please Master, please!
In the same way, the things i need change too. i used to need time in that little girl space to help me cope with stressful situations around me. i used to need my handheld at every moment. While i am still needy and still enjoy time spent in little space, i need these things less and less. It is not that the stress in my life has faded away, just that i have found better ways of coping with them.
It is important to keep an open mind in the face to new ideas and obstacles. Fear is what causes our minds to close. Fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt or hurting others, fear of failing. And as fear is can be just as demanding as my master is, i cannot be controlled by both at once.
Just yesterday, Master took my fear and dropped me with it. I do not like hoods or masks or things covering my entire face. It scares me, panics me, even if i am in no real danger. It strips away too many of my senses. Master, as always, challenges this fear, this limit. He started with just putting his hands over my face. He was patient, waiting for me to adjust, to stop pulling away. He waited until i willingly put my face in his hands before having Pia tie a scarf around my face and his hands. The first time i felt the material, i still pulled away. But eventually i gave into my trust in my Master and was tied to his hands.

Collar

It is a ring of steel around my neck. It closes with a very very tiny allen screw to which i have no key. It is heavy, but not weighing me down. For the next sixth months, this training collar will sit around my neck. I thought it would be hard to sleep with it on, thought i would panic or worry. I begged Master for a while to give me a key. But once it was on, all the worry faded away. All the frustration of the past couple of weeks, all the doubt, all the fear, fell away. It was just... gone. I feel light, weightless, floating. I didn't realize that the actual collar would make such a difference, as in my heart i feel he owns me (whether he realized it or not).
Collaring, even a training collar such as this, comes with commitment and responsibility on both sides. It is my responsibility to communicate, to obey, and to please him to the best of my ability. It is my commitment to him until June 21st. It is his responsibility to protect me, to keep in mind my physical, emotional, and mental health, and to communicate with me as well. I look to the next sixth months with excitement instead of fear, with joy instead of anger, and love instead of discontentment.

Sixth Tradition of the House of Reason

I will be obedient to my master even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation.

In the book Slavecraft by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin, slave talks about what he calls the principle of obedience. This is the same thing. It is the essence of submission, of slavehood. he states "For slaves, our obedience determines what can be enjoyed. It determines our self-esteem and pleasure. It connects us. It gives us purpose. It protects us. It validates us. i have come to believe that obedience is the very spirit of slavery; it is the special charisma of slave creatures. Obedience is the structural steel of our slave identity, and the spine of a slave's conviction." And yet, i struggle, as i think we all do at some point.
Dominant's push us. They find our resistances and seek to break through them. They want our obedience to become instinctual, just as much as we do. There have been times in our relationship that my Master has asked things of me that i had previously thought i could not do. And we have struggled together to work past my inner resistances and in doing so, i have become more and more his. My obedience to him becomes more internal. i don't just do as he asks or demands, but i understand why he wants the thins he asks of me. Yes, sometimes it is just to please him. Sometimes it is to show off his training of me, sometimes it is about respecting other dominants.
My obedience protects me. I am doing 'right' if i am being obedient, whether i am obeying a direct order or keeping in mind the traditions and ideals that he has of submission. I am doing 'wrong' if i am disobeying or disappointing him. Yes, some of the thing that he has demanded or asked for have been wrong by society standards. But i am doing right as long as i am obedient.
I am sure that there will be occasions when i outright disagree with something my Master has demanded of me, even though nothing comes to mind at the moment. I hope that when this time comes i will keep in mind that he often knows what is best for me better than i do, and that i will trust this and follow his orders.
Obedience is, after all, mostly about trust. I must trust that my Master would not order anything of me that you harm me physically, emotionally, or mentally. i have to trust that he would not endanger my job or my relationships with family or friends. I must trust his judgement.

Responsibility

For about a year or so now i have been acting more like a teenager or child than the 23 yearold woman that i am. I leave things for the last minute, especially chores, when i know i can get away with it (like when Master will not be around to see my house in a horrible state of disarray), make excuses for not doing things, and generally can get pretty lazy during the week. Master made a point to me last night, that little slaves like me need and can crave the tight leash, that i need him to watch things constantly or slack off and have a tendency to misbehave or get an attitude. As usual, Master is quite correct. I'm not always sure what it is that causes this, as i like to please my Master and most of the time try very hard to be a good girl. I guess part of it is lack of motivaton and a lean toward procrastination. I like schedules. Not exactly micromanagement, but more "Today you must accomplish A. B. and C." or "Every day you should spend ___ minutes doing this" It keeps me focused and reminds me that no matter how far away he is, and though he cannot see it at the moment, My Master is always with me, always watching out for me, always cares.