I took a vacation from my blog as I took a vacation from the lifestyle. I've been playing vanilla for the past month or so as I reorient my bearings in life. School has restarted, and while I planned on taking 6 classes this semester, I quickly realized that was not at all feasible. I dropped two, and i'm much happier, much less overwhelmed.
Devin and I have had a pretty normal relationship, and vanilla sex. With the natural ebb and flow of dominance and submission in personality that most couples experience. A mild spanking here and there. With the exception of our Daddy-little girl-ness. I flow into and out of that state with a easiness around him, as I am his trusting little girl, looking up to him for my needs and desires to be met. Sometimes he is wrapped around my little finger, sometimes I am wrapped around his. He spoils me, its true, yet i seem to manage to spoil him as well...
So I was avoiding submission, avoiding the lifestyle as a whole, for a number of reasons. I shut off my masochistic side (with great force and pain) believing that it clouded my thinking and that it was unsafe. Devin is new to that lifestyle being more than a fantasy, so I was scared of having to be the one to teach, unsure how to teach the mechanics of being dominant (as I am submissive), scared of being the one he learned on (because I might get hurt and because he might learn and then seek to grow further with another), and afraid that he would see what the lifestyle, as well as my submissive self, as to offer and decide that it was not what he wanted, or worst be disgusted by it and disgusted by my desire for it. I also have spent the last two years feeling overwhelmed, even conquered by, the lifestyle and my own submission. I have given up my own goals and desires because they did not match with those of my dominant (despite his protests), given up my personality to be something for someone else out of love and utter devotion. Devotion that I am still finding it hard to unwind from (thus being so internal enslaved).
Saturday night Devin and I attended a party. His first ever, my first in several months (maybe a year?). Everyone was really welcoming to him, and I found myself at home again. Kinda like when you move away from your parent's house as a young adult and then visit your old room and old bed and feel so comfy and all the old memories come flooding back. It was like that. Made me realize how much I missed my kink family, and more than that, how much I missed my kink self. That submission really does run through my soul and it is inescapable, and not dependent on the guy i'm with. Talk about self-confirmation.
Master of Reason was there, was actually the one that sent us the invitation to come. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it could have been, and as it probably sounds to everyone else.
So Devin and I hung out and watched a few scenes, then did a little spanking of our own. It was nice, a great warm up for more heavy play, a re-introduction to my friend sub-space and my friend-enemy sub-drop. We relaxed a bit and then something strange happened.
Devin like invited Master of Reason to scene with me.... I was like what the hell? And then had to step-in and go, okay, this is fine, but ONLY with like heavy negotiations first. I had conditions. I didn't want something so sexual, so heavy, so... humiliation based as I know is Master of Reason... forte? I also demanded that Devin was involved. And... well... I got my wish.
Which is how I found myself chained to a bench getting flogged, pinched and pleasantly tortured by my old Master and new not-so-vanilla boyfriend.