Masochist.

Here I find myself bound by wrists.
Cloth fills my mouth, gagging the screams that tear from my chest.
The bruises deepen, the welts swell, the blood frees

Here I revel in the pain you give me, joy in the tears that you give me. This is my solace. This is my therapy. My suffering washes away my guilt, scrubs away my fear, and cleanses my spirit from the trespasses of others.

I'm strapped down to the table, unable to flee from what I know I need but still fear. Who wouldn't fear being torn open in such a way?

It starts lightly, warming my skin, pink coloring me everywhere. The flogger impacts so sweetly. Then the strikes become harsh, hit truer. Slowly, over time, the pain fades from me, or rather my sensitive to it fades. Soon your strikes become harder, seeking to break through the fog that has consumed my mind.

Canes and the tawse become our dear friends, my dear enemies. I writhe and struggle uselessly. Not able to stand, should I even have the choice. Harder and harder your strike land, harder and harder you push me, giving as much I as I can take, taking as much as I can give. Each strike now breaks my tender skin. Each strike brings on the blood. You paint yourself in it.

Crowds gather, some turned on, some concerned, all entranced. We take no notice. I exist for you alone.

In these moments I know we are hand in hand, running for the light at the end of the tunnel, pushing ourselves to get there. And as we finally break through into that glorious sunshine of subspace, I know that I have found myself in you.

Respect of a submissive

After a recent party, I found myself hitting some inner conflict with the structure of my relationship internally and how it is generally judged externally by others in the community. Please let me state first and foremost, that no unkind words have been spoken that I have heard, and that I am not directing my words here at a particular person, or any group of people. I am simply trying to clarify my standpoint and the boundaries of my relationship so that I can avoid uncomfortable situations for me in the future.

                I am by no means the most experienced person with in our community, not even close. The things I state here are personal opinions, my viewpoints, expressed as I feel the need to express them. They are not guidelines for all relationships. EVERY relationship is different. Every Dominant is different, every submissive is different. We all have different desires and needs and expectations from life and from our relationships. It is up to every individual to express those desires, needs, and expectations to lovers and partners. I am not trying to speak for every submissive, or to give any instruction on how the lifestyle ‘should’ be lived.

                It is general policy, or standard behavior, I think, to treat all submissives the same until more is known about each of us as individuals. For example, it is considered polite behavior, or standard protocol, to approach a Dominant for permission before engaging in a private, or more intimate, conversation with His/ Her submissive. Some even choose to communicate with a submissive only through her Dominant or only in her Dominant’s presence. I am not in particular disagreement with these standards. I understand why those standards have been put into place. I have, however, seen some negative effects that these standards can lead to, as a submissive.

                I am sure there are those that will disagree with me, or simply right me off as bratty, smart-assed, whiny, oversensitive, or whatever… (I will not deny being a SAM or a brat) But I would be interested to know if there is at least one other submissive that has experienced what I am about to say… I have noticed that a few Dominants (by no means all Dominants) have a tendency to talk over a submissive, or to ignore their presence all together. I was brought up to have respect in general for other people, unless they act in such a way to lose that granted respect. I was taught (and I try to show others) that it is disrespectful to interrupt a person as they are speaking. I find it respectful to acknowledge what was said by way of eye contact, vocal feedback, or in some other (at least fairly obvious) way. I believe that submissive’s deserve this same respect. Unless they have received prior direction from their Dominant (or you are possibly in a high protocol situation), I see no reason why the input from a submissive into a conversation isn’t just as valuable as the input from a Dominant.

                I have found myself in this situation a few times since the change in my relationship. Yes, I am submissive. Yes, Sinewave and I are currently partners. But our relationship is not the same as the previous ones that I have been in, in many many ways. The ones that apply here? I am very much welcome to stand on my own two feet with in our community. I do not need permission to socially interact with others. I am able to volunteer myself for activities, speak with other submissives and other Dominants, and attend parties on my own. I am responsible for my own actions. (wow, that’s a little scary) Please, if you happen to have a problem with something that I have said or done, do not hesitate to come to me and discuss what has caused offense.

                On the topic of playing with others, it is for my general protection and safety that my partner is consulted prior to a scene. He may see things about a person that I have not been able to see in my negotiations with them. And I would not want to do anything with someone else that would offend him or leave him feeling involved in my life. That being said, it is my choice to scene with someone else if it is desired. Negotiations are still my responsibility.

                It should also be noted here that just because someone is a submissive does not mean they are everyone’s submissive, whether they are single or not. It does not matter how long a Dominant has been in the lifestyle. Submission should be freely given, not demanded or expected. I have noticed this occurring more and more often. If you are a Dominant, I would ask that you give me the same respect and courtesy that you would give anyone else. Ask me to do something, and I would generally be happy to honor your request (with a smile on my face, happy to please). Demand something be done and you will likely encounter an unpleasant face the first time. If it continues to occur, I will attempt a polite conversation letting you know that you have crossed a boundary. It’s about simple respect to me.

                I know that there is a consistent stream of people new to the lifestyle and the community, and that sometimes people enter into it with certain preset ideas of how things should be. I know that I did, and it was (a points at least) a hard concept for me to understand that every relationship within this lifestyle functions differently, and has different expectations and guidelines. I hope that this little piece of writing helps to clarify the differences in mine.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please do not hesitate to comment below or to email me in private.

Collaring....

I was collared. A ring of steel lay about my neck and I was bound to him beyond the confines of a wedding ring or marriage certificate.

Now that I am no longer under that collar, I find myself afraid to be under another. Its like playing with fire, far more edgy than the cutting and burning and bleeding that I delight in every weekend. So when Daddy brought it up.....

It started out as something someone mentioned to him and he was curious what it meant. We talked a little and read some about a Collar of Consideration.... Then yesterday, he mentioned getting one... Making one.. I panicked and could have possibly overreacted... a lot.... I'm terrified by the thought now... And my response was so intense, that he has no desire to bring the subject up again for a while.... Why am I afraid?

What a weekend!

Doesn't my weekend look like it was fun? It was...

We attended our second play party at Xpressions. We scened twice. The first time was a nice little spanking over a bench. A nice little warm up, a nice little touch.... I wore this cute little grey and pink business skirt and a grey vest with a sheer black shirt underneath, perfect to show off the sexy red and black bra I bought for Daddy for V-day. Plus my pink and black 4 inch heels... We left the bra and little underskirt on for most of the scene...

After, we gave ourselves some time to cool down. We waited on a space to clear.. It didn't look like it was going too... but then... Daddy asked some people that were just hanging out to move so that we could.... Well you can see the picture.... It was fucking fantastic... Add to it the fact that it stings (like a BITCH) anytime I move my neck... And well.. You can imagine that I've been in subspace for a while now.... Everytime I start to drop I/we do something to make it hurt again and down down down I go.

Yesterday we spent some time working to help move Xpressions from the old location (oh the party on Saturday night was the last one in that space, what a way to say goodbye) to the new, much much bigger space. It felt really really good to be involved in my community. So my next post will be about just that... Submissive involvement in the community....

Big Changes for a Little Girl

I took a vacation from my blog as I took a vacation from the lifestyle. I've been playing vanilla for the past month or so as I reorient my bearings in life. School has restarted, and while I planned on taking 6 classes this semester, I quickly realized that was not at all feasible. I dropped two, and i'm much happier, much less overwhelmed.

Devin and I have had a pretty normal relationship, and vanilla sex. With the natural ebb and flow of dominance and submission in personality that most couples experience. A mild spanking here and there. With the exception of our Daddy-little girl-ness. I flow into and out of that state with a easiness around him, as I am his trusting little girl, looking up to him for my needs and desires to be met. Sometimes he is wrapped around my little finger, sometimes I am wrapped around his. He spoils me, its true, yet i seem to manage to spoil him as well...

So I was avoiding submission, avoiding the lifestyle as a whole, for a number of reasons. I shut off my masochistic side (with great force and pain) believing that it clouded my thinking and that it was unsafe. Devin is new to that lifestyle being more than a fantasy, so I was scared of having to be the one to teach, unsure how to teach the mechanics of being dominant (as I am submissive), scared of being the one he learned on (because I might get hurt and because he might learn and then seek to grow further with another), and afraid that he would see what the lifestyle, as well as my submissive self, as to offer and decide that it was not what he wanted, or worst be disgusted by it and disgusted by my desire for it. I also have spent the last two years feeling overwhelmed, even conquered by, the lifestyle and my own submission. I have given up my own goals and desires because they did not match with those of my dominant (despite his protests), given up my personality to be something for someone else out of love and utter devotion. Devotion that I am still finding it hard to unwind from (thus being so internal enslaved).

Saturday night Devin and I attended a party. His first ever, my first in several months (maybe a year?). Everyone was really welcoming to him, and I found myself at  home again. Kinda like when you move away from your parent's house as a young adult and then visit your old room and old bed and feel so comfy and all the old memories come flooding back. It was like that. Made me realize how much I missed my kink family, and more than that, how much I missed my kink self. That submission really does run through my soul and it is inescapable, and not dependent on the guy i'm with. Talk about self-confirmation.

Master of Reason was there, was actually the one that sent us the invitation to come. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it could have been, and as it probably sounds to everyone else.

So Devin and I hung out and watched a few scenes, then did a little spanking of our own. It was nice, a great warm up for more heavy play, a re-introduction to my friend sub-space and my friend-enemy sub-drop. We relaxed a bit and then something strange happened.

Devin like invited Master of Reason to scene with me.... I was like what the hell? And then had to step-in and go, okay, this is fine, but ONLY with like heavy negotiations first. I had conditions. I didn't want something so sexual, so heavy, so... humiliation based as I know is Master of Reason... forte? I also demanded that Devin was involved. And... well... I got my wish.

Which is how I found myself chained to a bench getting flogged, pinched and pleasantly tortured by my old Master and new not-so-vanilla boyfriend.