I've always been a masochist. Pain has just always been this huge part of my life. It was easy to accept, easy to watch the bruises and scrapes and cuts heal. The initial pain might be very intense, but it eventually fades away, leave new skin, beautiful and perfect.
When i started cutting, it was for much the same reason. I wanted to watch that beautiful perfectness form, wanted to cut away the old me, suffer the pain to hope and watch for a more perfect me, one with less pain on the inside. It turned into a habit. I started cutting because i wanted to, because it was something i could control on the outside, but before long it was an addiction, just like smoking or drinking or shopping can be for some people.
After understanding all of that about myself, it wasn't impossible for the younger me (at about 16 or so) to imagine the connections between pain and sex. I was already getting high on the adrenaline pumping through my veins, why not combine that with fucking? To me, both things felt good, so when my first boyfriend and i tried combining the two- just a little hair pulling or rough sex- i wasn't surprised to find sex more enjoyable.
Fast forward several years to when i first heard about BDSM and all this madness. I have always seen myself as 'under' anyone i have ever dated. I would fetch drinks and sit on the floor and rub feet. It was my natural state to take care of others. Of anyone else. So much so that i would cease to take care of myself. I read the pretty stories, just like everyone else. I identified with O, at least in some way. I learned that liking pain, being sexually stimulated by it was experienced by a lot of people. So many people in fact that there was a entire community built around it.
I went for some time believing that i understood what submission meant, believing that i was a submissive, or a slave. I understood the word kajira. I continued to research, continued to explore, but like most people at a young age, i, for the most part, believed that i knew it all. That while some of the technical details still escaped me, i knew what it meant to be submissive.
When met Master of Reason in October, it was half by randomness, by chance. The relationship i was in had just ended (with in hours), though i had been struggling with it for a while. I didn't understand why i was struggling, but it wasn't working. And after 9 months of not looking, He just happened to pop onto collarme.com and see my profile. We started chatting, had our first date, and things have spiraled from there.
What he has taught me along the way is that almost everything i thought i knew about submission, i didn't. I didn't really know anything at all. And i was controlled by fear so much that there was no way anyone else could truly own me.What i had been struggling with was the need for a deeper relationship, a need to really give everything over. And what i have learned on my own is that submission comes from the heart. It really is a gift to be given, as taking it from someone, forcing it, taints the beauty of it.
So this brings us back to present day. I've worked to earn this collar. I've had to let go of my fear, to let go of my past, to let go of my anger.
This weekend taught me that i have to let go of my control, too. That when it really comes down to it, with him, i am helpless. I have no control. Not since i gave myself to him. Sure, i can beg and plead, and if absolutely necessary i can use my safe word or leave. But in the realm of our relationship, he owns me, he controls me.
He also protects me, even from myself at times. He cherishes me. I am His three-holed slut, His fuck-toy, His whore. I wash his dishes, fetch his drinks, fetch his inhaler. When i am lucky, i shower him, sleep next to him. I am whatever he needs me to be. I am his cherished submissive, his puppy dog. He can be mean, almost cruel even. But He is also sweet and gentle and loving and protective. He listens when my days are shitty, and helps me to center myself.
I am whatever he requires. I always try to keep Him in mind in my decisions. I am His.