Master, as much as any other man, can be quite... frustrating. Maybe more so then regular vanilla men, because in my perspective, so much of my lively hood depends on him. Not in a i can't breathe without you sort of way, or the i literally can't make even one decision without consulting you sort of way (though i'm sure it feels that way to him sometimes), but in a i look to him for guidance and he controls most of my life sort of way.
I read lots of blogs that are more like porn. Addicting (i've read most of them for months), but lacking real substance. They talk alot about spankings and sex and fantasies. About masturbation. Few ever really get into the grit of being a submissive. The times when you just want to bite your Master's head off, tell him to get it his damned self, or need, really need, to be put first. What about when you, as a submissive, need a back rub or would like sex to focus on your pleasure? Don't give me this bullshit answer that it NEVER happens, that a good submissive lives for pleasing the Dominant, that you get all you could ever ever need just from pleasing him. I don't buy it. If it is the case that i am the only one to struggle with my submission, that i occasionally want to be put first, to have my needs met, then maybe i should rethink my chosen lifepath. But i doubt it.
I think that everyone struggles, but most of us are too afraid to admit it. We all read the same perfect porn blogs, that never face the upsets, never face the punishments or trials. You don't read on someones blog how they lost their temper and yelled at Master. Because to do so would admit weakness, fallibility. A blemish on the face of the perfect slave. I will no longer hide in such a way.
I'm not perfect, i'm no where close. And i often lose my temper, my head, my faith, and my ability to function as, or even imagine the existence of, a perfect submissive version of myself. I say things that don't make sense to me a hour or two later. I can be mean, vicious even. I don't always get everything that i need by pleasing my master. I fail. I struggle. I stumble. I get dirty and cry. I can feel like an attention starved brat. I have the emotional mood swings of a hormonal teenager.
The important thing is that i keep going. I don't let anyone piece of trash stop me from running, walking, crawling even to my destination of being the best that i can be for him. And i am lucky enough that i have a wise and tough master willing to pick my ass up when i fall.