Spirited just made a very good point with me. Ask. I don't think i do that very often if i think about it. Something in me just doesn't feel right asking for what i want. I guess it feels selfish. Like what right do i have to ask for anything? It goes back to self-esteem, something that i struggle with often. I don't feel worthy of being his submissive, let alone asking for something more than that. So i don't ask. i'm actually not sure if i have ever come out and asked for something from him. i communicate what i am feeling, what i think i need, most of the time, but that is something very different than requesting, or begging.
Master wrote an article a while ago for all his future submissives to read on the art of begging. He said that it was a three step process: ask, humble, and offer. Sounds simple enough. Ask for what you want. If it is not granted and still important, ask again, but humble yourself at the same time. The third step is to offer. Offer something of yourself, or for Master. Offer to beg for swats, or provide a back massage etc. Offering trips me up, because anything i can offer, he already holds in the palm of his hand. Everything i have, he can have at any moment. And in my moments of desire, nothing i have to offer ever seems good enough. Its like i feel i am offering dirt and rocks in exchange for gold and precious gems. The pedestal i place him on is rather high, and often seems unreachable for me.
So i have the tendency to not ask, to not beg, and become very frustrated that i am not getting what i need from our relationship. and there it is... i feel unsatisfied, that i am not getting what i need from our relationship not because he doesn't make the effort toward me, but because in my stubbornness and lack of self-esteem, i don't ask or direct. I don't make my needs, my desires and how to fulfill them, clear. I whine and pout and resist, all of which is very inappropriate and gets me all of no where....
Wow... did i mention i wasn't perfect? You, my dear readers, just witnessed that moment. That light bulb going off for me. That step in the right direction from a moment of clarity.
I told master a week or so ago that i wasn't getting what i needed from our relationship. i meant, that i hadn't gotten the pain i needed from him in over a month. and i'm a needy little pain slut. It was easy to blame him. After all, he has known from the beginning that i need a certain dose of pain to keep me going in the right direction. It is very much an addiction for me, and without it, my body craves, it aches. But not once did i stop whining, stop bitching, and sink to my knees at his feet and beg. Not once did i start by putting either of us in the proper headspaces for the scene that i so desperately crave, by asserting his dominance and my submission, by lowering myself from the beginning. And that was my mistake. He should not have to force my submission, should not have to bring it out of me through orders or flogging or cropping. It is my gift to offer it up to him willingly.