It was not that long ago that i was prone to self-injury. Mostly cutting, sometimes slamming my head against a wall so hard i would get dizzy or black out. I never really matured emotionally. Anything and everything could set me off, and a hour later, i was fine. The initial catalyst seemed small and insignificant.
Every Master i have had since entering in to this lifestyle has made me promise pretty much the same thing- that i would not injure myself on purpose, as i was Theirs to guide and protect, considered property, i could not seem to argue. I wouldn't key my Master's car. So i shouldn't cut on this body, considered his.
Still, as is the case with most addictions, the thought of self injury is never far from my mind. When my stress level rises, it is the first thing that i involuntarily think of. I chase the thoughts away like mice, beating them with the broom of my submissive promise. Mind you, this is not something i speak of to most people, even to my Master. It is hard for most people to understand, to not panic and try to commit me. I speak of it now, here, because it is rotting the core of my being to keep it inside. I push the words out to expose the demon poking at my soul so that i may learn his weaknesses and expel him from my being permanently rather than quieting him moments at a time.
When i drive myself home late at night, i picture jerking my car to the left, flipping it into the ditch next to highway, hopefully snapping my neck in the process. I don't do it for two main reasons. The first, and most important, is partially what i have already spoken of- i belong to my Master and would not destroy his property, would not seek to hurt him in such a way. Nor do i desire to hurt my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friends (like Sir). Secondly- and mostly as a after thought- i am afraid of my failure in this. What if i just wreck my car? Or if i hurt myself but do not die? If i were to ever do such an act, i would want to do it completely, not half way, stuck to live with the consequences of failed actions.
Being so prone to this method of emotion expulsion (because it is just another means of emotional relief- like smoking or drinking- just considered more taboo because it is looked down upon by society), i sometimes find it awkward to be in this lifestyle. I am turned on by the pain, when cause by my beloved Master. It makes me drip with excitement, where my self inflicted injury does not. It is, however, another way to relieve the emotional pressure that builds inside of me, threatening to explode, though i have found it is not needed as often. It lulls the demon to sleep, for a longer period of time than my self-inflicted masochism ever did. However, i often wonder if i have traded in one habit for another. Now the pain is not always my choice, nor is it always soothing in the way that i had come to expect things to be, sometimes i suffer simply to please him. Because i know he enjoys my pain, enjoys the way i whimper, the way i scream.
Maybe it is that the original self injury lead to the brain chemical addiction. Maybe it is not now that i need the pain, but that i crave the floating chemicals the pain produces. I remember years ago, cutting myself, and floating away as i watched the blood flow. I assumed then it was a result of giving into the feeling, of knowing i was still alive through the pain, but perhaps it is what i feel now, that chemical compound soothing my ache and upping my serotonin level.
Here again i am rambling, when perhaps silence would be better. It seems i cannot help myself, and will publish this anyway, laying myself naked, open, and vulnerable to the view of strangers who will judge, condemn, or pity....