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Monday, September 28, 2009

Second Tradition of the House of Reason

"I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but may also lead to physical and emotional harm."

Of the three traditions i have learn thus far in my training, this one has been the most struggle as of late. Several times over the past couple of weeks, the lines of communication have all but shut down, and the gates of defense i have built so tall i can not see around them came crashing down, shutting me off from my new Master. Part of this comes from lack of trust, not because of anything that he has done or not done, but because of the past mistakes of others. Part of its is that i was taught that it is better not to argue, that i should just keep my mouth shut. And part of it is that i feel sometimes that what i think, feel, need, is not important enough to vocalize. This weekend for example, my hands were tied behind my back and i had to rely on someone else to feed me lunch. Master wanted me to have to ask for help. But rather than do that, i did everything in my power to feed myself- using only my mouth. I didn't want to bother anyone else because they were all eating. Fortunately for me, my subbie sister didn't need to be asked, she simple started to feed me, in between her bites. I was glad for the help, as drinking especially was an issue. Then yesterday, i was too be rewarded for good behavior, for struggling past issues and overcoming fear. The 'reward' that Master offered me, was not exactly what i would consider a reward (i guess i'm a little spoiled) and i attempted to vocalize that. I ended up feeling so bad for not excepting his intial offering that i asked to be punished. Though it was soon obvious to me that instead to reeinforcing gratitude or making me less spoiled, the punishment was slamming into me that i should not communicate what i want, that doing so just ruins everything... Though i pointed this out to Master Reason, the damage was done. He spoke to me afterward, telling me that He did want me to communicate with him, that the scene, the night, had gone badly, that that was not the lesson he was trying to enforce, that communicating with him is one of the most important things i can do as his submissive, that with communication, he risks losing me as his submissive. So i continue to struggle with this, continue to record me thoughts, to try to realize that i need to voice my opinion...

1 comment:

  1. I hope you don't mind my posting a comment here. My name is marion I am being mentored by Master Reason and have been since April 2007. (This little piece of info is so that the reader knows a bit about me.) This tradition has also been a very difficult one for me too. With Master Reason and with my HusDom. Lately I have been doing a much better job communicating with both of these very important men in my life. And as you have come into my life through His, I hope that we too, can learn to communicate with each other openly and honestly.
    Owned and Loved by TQ
    Mentored by Master of Reason
    House of Reason