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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Trusting in His hands

i have a fear of being choked, of not being able to breathe. i don't like having hands around my neck. So then, how did i end up laying on my living room floor as Master fucked me hard with my dildo, pressing His hand tighter and tighter on my throat until when i came i could see stars?

Master wants me to show that i trust Him fully. When W/we met up the first time, i hadn't told Him that it bothered me or why. So when i was laying there and He did it i freaked out. i tried to get away from Him the best that i could (which i don't remember being particularly successful). So this time when He came down it was something He pushed me on. He would lightly rest His hands against my neck, and feel my pulse jump. i would start to swallow hard and He would talk to me, tell me to breathe, to look at Him...

At the play party, Master decided not to do a scene, but W/we did (sort of) anyway. i was sitting at His feet in front of Him, my back resting on the chair between His legs and He put His hands there again. He was good, going slowly, reminding me to breathe, and by the end of the night, i was comfortable with His hands on my neck, even squeezing a little. It was very intense for me to trust Him like that, very intense to let go and put everything in His hands...

Sunday morning, W/we had a long talk about many things (most of which i do not care to discuss here), and once again i was left nervous and scared that He would leave me, which brings into question my trust in Him, i think, as He has told me that He will not abandon me, will not leave me to deal alone. As a point of proving my trust in Him, i took His hands and placed them on my neck myself. He told me how proud He was of me, of how far i had come in such a short time. But then He put me under the true test, to go the other direction and put my neck in His hands. This means leaning over into Him, means not being able to look into His eyes, to see His face. i managed it, after some deep breathes and some lip biting.

Occasionally, i really love painful sex. i mean, i always love pain, and i always love sex, but there are times in my life when i crave the pain that only comes from having my cervix rammed and pounded over and over and over. And oh! the reaction it causes in me. It causes me to bleed a little and to cramp for a few days and the crash, the drop, is immediate after orgasm and very intense. Putting me into tears and shaking. But the feeling, the freedom, is wonderful. Things come out of my mouth then that i cannot say otherwise. *blush* i become quite the little slut and love being told that that is what i am.

This time was a little different, and Master was skeptical. i asked, begged for Him to fuck me with my dildo like that while His hand was on my neck. Something about the fear in me makes it that much hotter for me. And he did. All i remember after laying on the floor with a pillow under my rump to give the right angle, is sensations and seeing stars. i remember the sweet pain, the fear of Him pressing a little harder, and the need for Him too. i remember Him telling me that i was His slut, or something like that and the whispered word 'cum'. i remember the lights sparkling around me, my vision faded and pink, and clinging to Him, sobbing into Him, so thankful for the release of the entire scene, and letting everything, every trouble go. i remember trusting Him so completely. it was wonderful...

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