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Sunday, May 17, 2009

A struggling afternoon

Today presented me with a challenge, completely unexpected, and for the most part, unforeseeable. i was cleaning my apartment in anticipation of Master's arrival next weekend (5.5 days to go *giggles*) and that lead me to emptying out my old makeup bag and throwing things away. i like to be thorough. Anyway, so i empty out on the floor and in the bottom of the bag, and therefore on top of the pile, is my razor blade. The one i used when i was out (hence in the makeup bag). i panicked, freaked. i wanted to use it. Habit, i guess... Something clicked in me that made me realize that there was no REASON for me to want it. i was in a good mood, feeling just fine. And feeling something, not being numb. So it was stupid. Yet i couldnt move myself to throw it away.
i called Master. It was lucky that He was available to answer His phone. This is a moment i can truly say that i dont know what would have happened if i wasnt able to speak with Him. i told the truth. Told Him what i was feeling, that i couldnt do it. But, with His command, i could. and did. It took a little convincing, something in me didnt want let that go. But Master gave me no choice. And now its in the dumpster. It left me with that after scene feeling, the subdrop feeling... I curled up on my slave space as i have begun to think about it, and let my heart come back down from my throat to my chest. i remembered how to breathe...

Thank You Master...

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