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Monday, May 11, 2009

Hi, i'm k and i'm an over thinker

i'm an over-analytical, over-thinking submissive/slave. i judge, criticize, and question almost every action, answer, response, and look. i over-think my submission to Master and judge myself rather than just accepting His judgment. He tells me i'm beautiful and i call Him crazy. He says i'm a wonderful person and i tell Him He's blind. He asks me to kneel and i question why (most of the time from a kneeling position). i question His faith in me and if He will stick around, if He is strong enough to deal with all my crazy...
i suppose i should explain that part a bit more... i'm constantly on an emotional rollercoaster. i was abused when i was younger (from about 11-16), have never resloved my issues with it. i have clinical depression, was a self-abuser (in some ways still am). i was major trust issue, no real sense of self-esteem, and go through times the opposite of my depression; times when i cannot sit still, have trouble sleeping, feel so consumed by rage and aggression that i can feel nothing else. When the that fire burns away, there is nothing left; i am numb. i have attempted suicide, was actually dead for like 20 seconds before they restarted my heart. Had my stomach pumped and was hospitalized. i have had many relationships end, romantic, D/s, and plutonic alike, because the other person could no longer deal or handle my mood swings.

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