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Monday, May 11, 2009

discovering my submission

i was collared the first time when i was 13 years old. my step-father was, and still is, big into the Gorean lifestyle, and brought it into our home. i was not willing and had no understanding of what it meant to be a slave. That is something i am still learning 10 years later. i had no choice. i was taught various positions, and that i had no choice in the matter. i submitted or was hurt. i was not worth having a choice. i was not worth anything better. my social contact was restricted. The only friends i had were in school, and i was not close with those. It was too hard to explain why i could not attend a sleep over or school dance or date. i had two boyfriends in high school, one who did not treat me much better than things at home, and the other was mostly about sex. He had a screwed up home life too, and didn't question too much, just excepted that i was not allowed to call him, and was happy to hold my hand, make out and cop a feel in the hallways and at lunch.
When i rediscovered BDSM and the D/s lifestyle when i was 21, it occurred to me that it was something i never really left behind. i simply chose to see it as rough sex. my first sexual partner (the more aggressive boyfriend in high school) would slap me during sex sometimes, get really rough. i didn't have much choice about the when or the where. The other high school boyfriend and i got back together when i turned 20. Again our sex life wasn't exactly normal. While he wasn't mean about things, he demanded sex from me often. my hormones always running high, i was happy to oblige. But i found great enjoyment in things he would do that i have since discovered is not run of the mill. He would deny me orgasm, pulling back when he knew i was close, over and over, then make me orgasm so many times over that i couldn't see straight, and tell me what a good girl i was for coming for him. Hearing him say those words would send me over the edge again. There were also times when i would have trouble orgasmic when we would have sex, and i would beg him to fuck me with my dildo, which was longer and hard and plastic. He could get a different angle and more power behind his hand, than his hips. It hurt and i loved it. i would say the dirtiest things when he would do that, words that i trip over otherwise.
When he and i split up, i met Max. Max and i met online and connected really well. W/we chatted for hours by computer and by phone before deciding to meet in person. Max is the very short relationship that was the cataclysmic beginning to my spiral into submission and slavery. He was doing research with a female friend that was writing a book about BDSM. He was neither exceptionally submissive or Dominant in my memories of him. But he was a well of information. He recognized submissive tendencies in me and pointed them out. He encouraged me to explore my desires online after i pumped him for all the information i could.
i read everything i could get my hands on. i found out how much the term 'BDSM' encompasses, how many different was there are to be different. i was shocked as i discovered things more extreme than i had ever imagined. i watched alot of porn. i got very wet at some of it. And i talked to alot of people. i found out that most porn is fake, and the good stuff costs money. i don't pay for porn. i found alot of people with bad experiences, mostly involving some inexperienced jackass that claims He/She is a 'real Dom/me' but in reality had no idea what he/she is doing. i learned ways of telling the difference.
i am still learning, still only have a small grasp at what my limits are, how far i can push myself, or how far i can be pushed. i have been lucky, for the most part, in finding good men who are great Doms and have no problem admitting when They don't know something, rather than fake it and hurt me.

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