lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:42:24 PM): confession before W/we speak tonight... i didnt wear it (my buttplug) at all today, its annoying, always sliding out and today i just didnt want to deal with it. i also havent been playing today. i'm not really in a sexual mood and its more annoying than anything... i'm sorry Sir... but i feel so alone and so out of touch today, all i want to do is scream or sleep
Sir (4/11/2009 8:56:16 PM): hello
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:56:31 PM): hello Sir :(
Sir (4/11/2009 8:56:54 PM): yes...im disappointed
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:57:14 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 8:57:34 PM): thank you for telling me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:57:51 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:08 PM): I am sorry you feel alone
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:58:21 PM): it happens
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:41 PM): yes...you are correct
Sir (4/11/2009 8:58:54 PM): it doesnt make you feel any better
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:58:59 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:59:12 PM): bu that doesnt excuse my behavior or attitude
Sir (4/11/2009 8:59:23 PM): you are correct
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 8:59:44 PM): i just wish i felt something
Sir (4/11/2009 8:59:55 PM): what do you mean?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:04 PM): i mean i'm numb
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:09 PM): i dont feel anything...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:22 PM): i dont feel my submission, i dont feel sad, i dont feel happy
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:31 PM): i just dont feel
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:00:48 PM): im used to cutting when i feel this way
Sir (4/11/2009 9:00:59 PM): Im sorry you feel that way...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:01:06 PM): no cutting
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:01:12 PM): no Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:02:06 PM): why do you feel this way? is it something I have done?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:03:11 PM): no it is nothing You have done Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:21 PM): then what?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:03:32 PM): i dont know
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:45 PM): thats not an answer...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:03:53 PM): something
Sir (4/11/2009 9:04:16 PM): what is bothering you?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:04:56 PM): http://hislittlekitten.blogspot.com/2008/03/fight.html
Sir (4/11/2009 9:07:14 PM): ok..
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:30 PM): i want that
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:48 PM): i want... i want rough
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:51 PM): i want force
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:07:58 PM): i want attention, whether good or bad
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:02 PM): i want pain
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:10 PM): i want to hurt, i feel i deserve
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:11 PM): it
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:08:22 PM): another good blog, i feel her way of thinking
Sir (4/11/2009 9:11:41 PM): I understand
Sir (4/11/2009 9:13:47 PM): I will have to read thru her blog
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:00 PM): I know you want and need the attention
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:08 PM): its good, i wanna feel like that sometimes
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:12 PM): and I wish I could give you more
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:15 PM): her blog i mean
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:20 PM): Your busy, Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:24 PM): i understand
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:42 PM): yes I am busy..and I give you all I can
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:14:47 PM): i know Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:14:49 PM): is it enough for you?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:15:23 PM): ... i know that it will not be in the long run
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:15:43 PM): but for now...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:16:10 PM): it works, i guess, enough that i am not willing to give it up for something i dont think exists.
Sir (4/11/2009 9:17:00 PM): ok...but I want to know why you chose to disobey an order that I gave you
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:17:20 PM): which one?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:17:42 PM): all of them
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:18:20 PM): i have no good reason... i'm annoyed with the plug, it keeps slipping out, its uncomfortable
Sir (4/11/2009 9:18:44 PM): not everything I tell you will be comfortable
Sir (4/11/2009 9:18:53 PM): but I told you to wear it
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:18:58 PM): and i attempted to play... it didnt even feel the least bit good
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:19:10 PM): it was... iratating at best
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:01 PM): and the more i tried, the more angry i felt, untill that was all i felt, and that has died away, it has left nothing, like a fire searing the landscape
Sir (4/11/2009 9:20:12 PM): so the thought that you playing is pleasing to me didnt enter you thoughts?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:14 PM): i dont feel submissive, i dont feel sexual
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:20 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:20:25 PM): i'm sorry Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:21:43 PM): hmmm
Sir (4/11/2009 9:21:48 PM): not sure what to say
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:22:40 PM): that i am a horrible horrible sub and dont deserve Your attention, much less affection.. and that You wont be seeing me this friday even if i beg?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:22:58 PM): no..i will still be there on fri
Sir (4/11/2009 9:23:11 PM): unless you are hoping that I wont come
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:23:33 PM): very much the opposite, im terrified that You wont show
Sir (4/11/2009 9:23:50 PM): i told you I would be there
Sir (4/11/2009 9:24:45 PM): do you not believe me? I have been honest with you
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:25:37 PM): i guess i believe You... but... i think some of my trust has been lost
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:25:46 PM): i think that is part of why i feel this way
Sir (4/11/2009 9:25:55 PM): why?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:01 PM): i dont trust You to stay around
Sir (4/11/2009 9:26:30 PM): have I done anythign to make you think that?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:40 PM): yes Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:26:48 PM): or rather, W/we did
Sir (4/11/2009 9:27:03 PM): when we split
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:27:09 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:27:36 PM): I had put that behind me....I guess you have been over thinking again
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:27:46 PM): always Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:02 PM): and i guess in a way
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:17 PM): i am testing my limitations, my boundaries with You...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:28:39 PM): seeing how much You will let me get away with, wondering how much i can push before You walk away
Sir (4/11/2009 9:28:56 PM): that kinda what I was thinking
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:29:13 PM): do i get points for admiting it?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:29:21 PM): nope
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:29:44 PM): didnt think so
Sir (4/11/2009 9:39:55 PM): ok..so you are wanting to see if you push hard enough and see if I run
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:40:13 PM): i guess
Sir (4/11/2009 9:40:21 PM): i wont
Sir (4/11/2009 9:41:11 PM): unless you ask me to leave
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:41:18 PM): i dont want that
Sir (4/11/2009 9:42:10 PM): i understand your pushing..in fact, i was wondering when it would start and thought it might be this weekend
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:42:27 PM): why did You think that?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:42:56 PM): because all week you were excited..we talked and chatted..everything was good...but I was seeing hints
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:43:25 PM): like what Sir?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:38 PM): and I figured that once you had a whole day (almost) where you couldnt talk to me, you would start to think
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:53 PM): and wonder
Sir (4/11/2009 9:43:56 PM): and push
Sir (4/11/2009 9:44:08 PM): and try to see if I would punish you
Sir (4/11/2009 9:44:31 PM): you have been burned..and you want me but you dont want me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:44:44 PM): i dont want You?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:06 PM): you expect me to run off lilke others may have
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:19 PM): but that is trying to top from the bottom
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:25 PM): you are the sub
Sir (4/11/2009 9:45:31 PM): I am your Master
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:45:47 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:46:12 PM): I expect you to feel this way until we meet
Sir (4/11/2009 9:46:18 PM): off and on
Sir (4/11/2009 9:47:13 PM): from what you know of me...do you think I would drop you just becuase you ignore my commands and push back?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:47:23 PM): waht kind of Dom does that make me?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:36 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:48 PM): that would mean that You are not a real Dom, but that is the point anyway
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:47:51 PM): isnt it?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:48:25 PM): to be proven to that my faith in You was useless and that You were never worth it, that i was stupid for trusting You
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:49:03 PM): it never crosses my mind that it is You to blame for lying to me, it is always my fault for not seeing it
Sir (4/11/2009 9:50:01 PM): have I lied?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:14 PM): no Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:30 PM): that was hypothetical, based on previous experience
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:50:42 PM): not actually You Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:50:47 PM): ok...
Sir (4/11/2009 9:51:25 PM): my question to you is this...are we going to have to go back thru this every weekend?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:33 PM): its what i am terrified of
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:42 PM): i dont know
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:51:53 PM): did W/we do this last weekend?
Sir (4/11/2009 9:52:17 PM): pretty close
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:52:36 PM): i'm sorry Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 9:53:04 PM): no prob...i know it comes from having free time to think
Sir (4/11/2009 9:53:17 PM): maybe I need to have you doing things that keep you busy
Sir (4/11/2009 9:54:15 PM): sigh
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:54:32 PM): yeah
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:54:51 PM): and i now i sit and wonder and wait
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:55:02 PM): when i am going to be 'to much to deal with'
Sir (4/11/2009 9:55:32 PM): i dont know...I was hoping we could enjoy what we have
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 9:56:41 PM): yeah but i'm emotional and clingy and U/us not doing this anymore would really just be in my best interest because i need to find a Dom that can meet my needs and You tryint to do this is just exhausting for You
Sir (4/11/2009 9:57:20 PM): sigh....last week all over again
Sir (4/11/2009 9:57:46 PM): i dont know
Sir (4/11/2009 9:58:04 PM): i would like to see...I like having you as my sub
Sir (4/11/2009 9:58:25 PM): but if you dont want me as a Dom, then you are correct...it wont work
Sir (4/11/2009 9:59:24 PM): I dont know what to do here
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:00:33 PM): why in the HELL WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT i DONT WANT YOU AS MY DOM???? MY ONLY PROBLEM THAT THIS POINT IS THAT YOU CANT BE AS MUCH OF A DOM AS YOU AND i WOULD BOTH LIKE YOU TO BE AND YOU KNOW IT
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:06 PM): ok..i get that you want me as your dom..
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:21 PM): and you are right, i cant be as much as we would like
Sir (4/11/2009 10:02:32 PM): and thats not going to change
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:02:33 PM): no Sir You cant be
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:02:42 PM): but i will take what i can get
Sir (4/11/2009 10:03:32 PM): so do you wish to continue?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:00 PM): You dont seem to understand that i am willing to suffer thru weeks, maybe months of not seeing You because i believe that when i do that experience will be worth all the waiting and suffering in the world
Sir (4/11/2009 10:04:12 PM): i do understand that
Sir (4/11/2009 10:04:24 PM): what i dont understand is why this happens
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:43 PM): because everything that i have done... everything
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:51 PM): You have not once punished me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:04:56 PM): why did i just say that
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:01 PM): i hate my honesty
Sir (4/11/2009 10:05:16 PM): i have already realized my mistake in that dept
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:30 PM): and today i was left much to my own devices
Sir (4/11/2009 10:05:30 PM): at the beginnning of our conversation
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:05:39 PM): much like yesterday and the day before
Sir (4/11/2009 10:06:31 PM): I know you want me to control you day and night
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:31 PM): i need You to have more control than that... i like structure, i like assignments, not that i have to report to You every five seconds of the day
Sir (4/11/2009 10:06:47 PM): ok
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:48 PM): but a daily routine would be nice
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:06:54 PM): not just 'play with yourself'
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:07:01 PM): i cant have this be all about sex
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:07:11 PM): i'm more than that to You, right?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:07:15 PM): yes
Sir (4/11/2009 10:07:27 PM): it is a small part
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:08:02 PM): think back to the things You have had me do... almost all have been about sex, except for making me ask permission to use the bathroom
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:08:25 PM): and telling me where to eat lunch on thursday
Sir (4/11/2009 10:08:44 PM): waht kind of control do you want?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:09:05 PM): telling you when to eat and what to eat can be difficult
Sir (4/11/2009 10:09:30 PM): bathroom already seemed to cause an issue
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:10:28 PM): its more about the control You want to have... but more than this... yes my pussy belongs to You, but so does the rest of me.. You can control everything You want from what i read to what i eat... etc... and the bathroom didnt cause a problem, i just happened to be sick at the time, which i am over now
Sir (4/11/2009 10:11:40 PM): but from my side, i have to worry about the problems...it is one thing if im there with you...much more difficult long distance
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:12:02 PM): problems?
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:16 PM): if you hold pee too long
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:25 PM): dont eat at proper times
Sir (4/11/2009 10:12:41 PM): if i cant call you in a timely manner
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:09 PM): i can understand you wnating me to have this control
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:19 PM): and I said I dont mind taking it
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:41 PM): but you have to give me time to adjust to this also
Sir (4/11/2009 10:13:50 PM): one step at a time
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:14 PM): you are basically asking to be a slave
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:27 PM): and I have not had that much control before
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:31 PM): i can learn
Sir (4/11/2009 10:14:45 PM): but you have to give me a little time to figure out
Sir (4/11/2009 10:15:51 PM): does that make sense?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:15:58 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:19 PM): I can see your issues and desires
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:34 PM): and I will do my best to fulfill them
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:16:54 PM): i feel like i am asking too much
Sir (4/11/2009 10:16:59 PM): no dont
Sir (4/11/2009 10:17:08 PM): but i ask that you be patient with me
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:17:19 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:17:29 PM): i have to learn a new aspect of this
Sir (4/11/2009 10:18:07 PM): as you have learned..being a Dom isnt easy
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:18:20 PM): no Sir it isnt
Sir (4/11/2009 10:19:34 PM): so all I ask is that you give me a chance if you wish to continue
Sir (4/11/2009 10:19:44 PM): im a pretty smart dude...
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:19:55 PM): of course i want to continue Sir
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:20:06 PM): the last thing i want is for You to turn away from me
Sir (4/11/2009 10:20:33 PM): i dont wish too..i would like to see how this works out
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:20:53 PM): yes Sir
Sir (4/11/2009 10:21:41 PM): are you willing to be a bit more patient with me?
lotusblossum4 (4/11/2009 10:21:49 PM): yes Sir