Its a kind of overwhelming loneliness. I'm sure this is just the start of my depression kicking in, but even knowing that, i am helpless to make it stop. I long for, crave, touch that isn't for sex. Its all i get anymore.
These first few days are the hardest, the ones that require the most restraint. Because that need, that desire for self-mutilation is always there, floating in the background of my mind. And today i have the energy for it. Today its not a long walk from here to the knife. I hate myself a little for thinking it, but accept that it is a part of me and always will be.
Theres are the days i push everyone away, try to escape anything and everything for fear of my blackness bleeding over onto everyone else... At the same time, I am writing here, so that must be a hand reaching out, right?