I know my blog has been quiet for a while... I haven't been able to get the proper words out for what is going through my head... and once again, I'm censoring what i am thinking because i don't want to step on anyone's toes. Fragile are the egos of today in my life.... And people are too important to hurt and cast aside. These relationships are the defining characteristic to my life, to my world, when so much of me is define by this lifestyle.
I try to explain to Master that he is my world, and so much of what i think and feel stems from him in at least some way. I have always been highly receptive to manipulation and influence from others. I remember being younger and having my personality reflect the guy i was dating at the time. I don't do it on purpose. It is like camouflage on insects and lizards.. We blend in to better survive our environment. Because of this, i sometimes wonder if i have no real personality of my own, just the personality given to me by others. It is true that i don't always like the same things my Master likes.... But is that because it is truly what i like, or because i know that he wouldn't want me just the same as he is? When left on my own for a period of time, i become... almost stale, worrisome, lost, and confused. I need the constant supervision and reassurance that i have found often comes from this lifestyle. I am not very good at running my own life... Is this because without a mate, i simply cease to exist?
I know i am seeming to ramble here now, and perhaps i am, but in my mind all these things are related. Cancers (i was born July 19) are water signs. and we all know water (like any other liquid) takes the form of the container it occupies. With out a container, it runs free and disappears. It is defined by its container. If i am water, and Master provides my container... if i am set free with i disappear? not physically of course, but emotionally, mentally? I don't know how good a job i do of keeping him interested anyway. I'm cranky, especially as of late, with work and now school feeling all consuming. I'm up early and down late and feel like i have no time to accomplish things i would like to (because i know they are important to him). So when he is hard in the morning and craving my attention, I find it hard to focus, and difficult to comply. I fear that this will eventually lead to a lack of sexual attention, given or wanted.
I give in to my fears here, let my doubts run rampant because i don't know how to control them on my own. It is not his lack of reassurance that makes me wonder. Goodness knows how often he tells me he loves me and wants me and that i am beautiful. It is self image. It is doubt and fear. and experience. and the feeling at the end of the day that i don't really know what i am doing, I just blunder my way through and hope something connects. Ma i the only one to feel this way? I know these feelings will pass, that part of what i am missing is my ability to kneel (one night makes me miss it) because i hurt my knee. That he is feeling unsure about a few things that really have nothing to do with me, yet i internalize them, which is really quite selfish and arrogant of me.