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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Craving to Serve

I'm still in search of my meaning of submission. Still trying to understand this thing we do, this way i feel... In my search i found this image, and the little poem, and liked it so much i thought i would share it with you.

Though i might not really understand the way i think and feel, i do know that there is this deep desire within me to feel his control, to feel powerless and owned. This was said a few times last night as Master and i chatted.

"You own me" "Yes, I do. You are mine. And I love you very much."

As stressed as i have found myself lately, those words wrapped around me like a heated blanket on a freezing night. i slept peacefully for the first time all week, with no tears, no nightmares; i don't even remember dreaming. i slept the deep sleep of a girl, owned completely, and safe in that possession.

Gor has been on my mind a lot to day, for no particular reason that i can express. Master and i have had those moments of play with this lifestyle. Leading my through the house by my hair, ordering me off the bed with a sharp "floor kajira!" While neither of us consider ourselves or our relations Gorean, and we see the books for just that- fiction novels that could be role-played, i think it echoes something deep in both of us. That little fantasy in my head where i truly have no consent and no responsibility. Where i truly am property, and He owns me completely, to sell, to trade, to love, to keep. It is an edge that we dance on... A line we step to, nudge at, but do not cross completely. It is more like a game we play.

As some of you know, my nickname on several website's is kslave. k for my first name, k for kajira. Why? i just said i don't identify as Gorean. And kajiraslave is a little redundant. Because i was raised kajira. And while it wasn't always so obvious, the training was always there, directly or indirectly; i was always taught to serve. And, at the moment at least, i crave that total powerlessness, i crave giving up everything to Him, concentrating on nothing but Him, serving Him. Letting all thoughts of work and life and pain and anguish drift away, give over to the desire to serve....


  1. I understand the craving because I have it too... I also understand life from the point of view of someone who has followed her heart and pursued her dreams... who spent years searching within to find her true self and bring it out.

    I truly believe it's not possible to give all of ourselves to someone else until we know who we are... after all... how can we give something we don't know is even there?

    I think every woman at some stage in her life... no matter what her desires and urges may be telling her... she really needs to take time to go to that quiet place and find the girl inside that life events had hidden away.

    You've told me some about your childhood and it seems to me more than ever that it's really important for you to learn to be you and not something someone else wants you to be. This is your time to find out who you are so that you can offer the real you to the man you love... rather than the you someone else wanted you to be.

    It's not really about whether or not you're submissive... I think it's obvious that you are. It's about more than that... it's about who you were born to be and what you have to offer to the world.



  2. Isn't it interesting all the different takes there are on this lifestyle? i think each of us have our own spin on it and as we grow together with our Owners we are continually exploring and changing.

    This is a lovely post.


  3. Subbrooke echoed my thoughts that each couple has to find the right spin that works for them.

    And how appropriate that you could sleep well because you knew you are owned and safe.

    Hope your journey continues to go well.