Though i might not really understand the way i think and feel, i do know that there is this deep desire within me to feel his control, to feel powerless and owned. This was said a few times last night as Master and i chatted.
"You own me" "Yes, I do. You are mine. And I love you very much."
As stressed as i have found myself lately, those words wrapped around me like a heated blanket on a freezing night. i slept peacefully for the first time all week, with no tears, no nightmares; i don't even remember dreaming. i slept the deep sleep of a girl, owned completely, and safe in that possession.
Gor has been on my mind a lot to day, for no particular reason that i can express. Master and i have had those moments of play with this lifestyle. Leading my through the house by my hair, ordering me off the bed with a sharp "floor kajira!" While neither of us consider ourselves or our relations Gorean, and we see the books for just that- fiction novels that could be role-played, i think it echoes something deep in both of us. That little fantasy in my head where i truly have no consent and no responsibility. Where i truly am property, and He owns me completely, to sell, to trade, to love, to keep. It is an edge that we dance on... A line we step to, nudge at, but do not cross completely. It is more like a game we play.
As some of you know, my nickname on several website's is kslave. k for my first name, k for kajira. Why? i just said i don't identify as Gorean. And kajiraslave is a little redundant. Because i was raised kajira. And while it wasn't always so obvious, the training was always there, directly or indirectly; i was always taught to serve. And, at the moment at least, i crave that total powerlessness, i crave giving up everything to Him, concentrating on nothing but Him, serving Him. Letting all thoughts of work and life and pain and anguish drift away, give over to the desire to serve....