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Friday, May 22, 2009

Safety in Distance

kslave: are You afraid of losing me?
Sir : no...not for that
kslave: i mean in general
Sir : i dont want to lose you if that is what you are asking
Sir : am I worrried? no
kslave: why not?
Sir: I dont know...just not worried..I guess I feel I can carry my own
Sir : I am Me..
Sir : that is all I can be
lotusblossum4 : yea
Sir : ok?
kslave: ok what?
Sir : are you ok?
Sir: your eyes are telling me there is an issue
Sir : Im telling you
Sir : the eyes dont lie
kslave: no
Sir: are you ok for the nite?
kslave: i dont have much of a choice
Sir: talk to me
kslave: it wasnt the answer i wanted or feel like i needed to hear
Sir : but its the answer I gave
kslave: yep
Sir: you ask these really deep questions..and it is difficult for me, be cause I dont think about it..I just do
Sir: ans I realize that it is your nature to question everything
Sir: but I dont always have the answers
Sir : I...just am
kslave: i know and honestly i got the answers i expected just not the ones i hoped for i am still a teenager, or a young girl in many way but i have adult understanding at the same time so there is a part of me that hopes for a fairytale must of me knows that fairytales are bullshit and if you wanna get saved you have to do it yourself at the same time
kslave: i wanted You to tell me that the idea of losing me from Your life hurts or scares You, even just a little and that You aren't worried about it because You see how much i love You
Sir: to be will hurt me
Sir: more than you probably think
kslave: and You dont feel like someone could take me away from You because of it
kslave: what do You mean? 'more than i probably think'?
Sir: im sure you think when the time comes I will just "discard" you
Sir: it wont be like that
Sir: you will have a place in my heart
Sir: my own slave girl
Sir: I have a big heart
Sir: I am always sad when I lose a friend..and you are much more than that
kslave: oh?
Sir: i may not be that good at expressing myself sometime but I have my feelings for you and I thank you for the time we spend together may still not be the answer you want
Sir: but as I said..I am me

Ture, it still wasn't the answer i really wanted, but i am not sure if i would have been happy getting the 'it would tear me apart to lose You, i'll never leave You' speech from Him. W/we simply don't have that kind of a relationship. And i think in part O/our kind of relationship is what is making Him feel so safe, because in one way or another, He is still distant from me, still on the other side of that wall. He can never be fully mine, W/we can never live together, never have babies. And that keeps some space between us i think, because someday, with someone, those are things that i want. So there is distance. And in that distance, because i am so fucked up, there is safety...

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