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Monday, April 23, 2012


Four times now, I have started to write here, but erased what I had to say. Nothing feels right. This rage of mine is boiling just under the surface, making my hands shake. Its burning away anything else I might feel for more than a few moments. Any joy, happiness, is a distant background in comparison to the fire that seems to be all consuming. EVERYTHING gets on my nerves. 

Left to my own devices, I would cut. I would drag a blade against my skin over and over and over until I bled it out. That option has once again been removed from me, as I fear that I will not be able to stop. Rather, I know that I would not be able to stop once I started, as I have already once this week been overwhelmed by the desire to just sleep... and sleep and sleep until my body withers. Knowing that this would hurt those I care about, I still had enough sense remaining to call out to help to my fiancee. Barely. 

My stomach is in knots. It has been all day. Everything seems to be fighting against me... Or perhaps that is simply my perception of things. All I know is that I feel near that breaking point, more than where I was yesterday, when I destroyed a room and cut just a little too deep. I fear my reactions, fear what I might destroy.


I came here to write to try to let it out, and it is not helping...

Do I seek S&M? Do I ask him to hurt me to cope, as a temporary solution? To be lost in the pain done to my physical body until the emotional pain melts away? How can this be done given our current living situation? What other options do I have? 

This is a hopeless place. Can I find my love again?

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