thinking...

Master was out of town for the weekend, and i managed to survive. But now He is gone once again on a business trip. i'm trying to be good, trying to be patient for His attention, but some times He just seems so far away. Not in physical distance, but He gets busy and tired. And while i comprehend all of this, a part of me doesn't want to understand, doesn't really care. A part of me doesn't really feel like His slave at all. And its frustrating. i do suppose this is a part of being a good slave, realizing that it can't always be my way, which would be to have Him around all the time.

There is a part of me that longs for that, as much as i am afraid of it. That part of me craves a Master with me at home all the time, to make sure that i don't cheat, to hold me accoutable. That could, any time i am home, bend me over His knee and paddle me, or let me cook Him dinner, rub His feet, make me ask permission to sleep in bed next to Him. At the same time, i rebel at this idea, fight against it, shrink away from it. In some way i suppose i am still clinging to what independence i have. i find little ways to rebel without actually breaking the rules, or disobeying. (Knowing that Master reads this i probably shouldn't say that, but part of me wonders if He will even notice.) Mostly this is because i want to be caught or punished or held accountable. i need to feel His dominance over me, need to feel like i am being forced to submit.

There are some days that i think Master has it easy with me; i go willingly into submission. Yes, as stated earlier, i rebel, but mostly for attention. There was no forcing me. Yes, there has been training to a certain extent, but nothing like things i have read from other girls. He has simply had to ask me. The only thing that has been necessary to work through is my lack of trust in anyone because of things in my past.